Chris Listens: Fizzling Relationships, Religious Divides, and Dating Tomboys

Happy 2010, Sparklers! It’s been a great year so far. I’ve successfully eaten breakfast, cleaned up about half the dishes, and soon I might even brush my teeth. And that will take care of all my resolutions for the next 12 months. Well, my morning resolutions. I have things planned for 2010’s afternoons as well. For example, I resolve to: keep my desk clean; water the plants even before they are brown and withered; read only excellent books; move my skeleton around with a modest amount of vigor in order to avoid human slugdom; visit at least one new state; respond to text messages in full sentences and using proper punctuation; hang out with trees; eat more quiche; take my own advice and be open/honest and not allow my emotions to simmer/fester; conserve energy; expend excess energy by doing things that are fun instead of obsessing over the cleanliness of my desk; and, of course, listen to and answer questions from you. Hope your 2010 is absolutely amazing.

So... What is sexting? I thought another clueless Sparkler might ask... I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't know this...

As we discovered last week, sexting is how a sneaky guy cheats on his girlfriend. The Urban Dictionary tells us that sexting is a word named by teachers n government official for teens who send dirty pics n messages 2 1 another. Quite frankly I kno NO teenagers who use this word 4 wat they do... The only reson anybody BUT teens kno about “sexting” is bcuz some kids were txtin in some skool, got there phones taken, n the teacher felt the need to invade their privacy n inform every1 n their mom about wat they were txtin. Got that? From what I gather, sexting involves sending arousing or provocative remarks or pictures via text message. Sexting can be used to initiate in-person encounters, or it can be a substitute for intimacy, along the lines of phone sex. My question is: What if you are turned on by text messages that aren’t related to sex? Let’s say you have a serious sock fetish and your friend texts you a pic of these babies. Does that count as sexting? Or is it soxting? As for whether sexters actually use the term “sext”: It seems they do, but only to mock adults who think they understand youth culture.

I have this friend “Joe” whom I have known since we were freshman through mutual friends, but didn’t really get to know until junior year and now we are seniors. While I think he is very attractive (I am a girl by the way), as I have got to know him I realized we don’t have any kind of romantic connection and so I don’t “like” him. I have always liked his girlfriends until his latest one. I don’t know her very well, but the things I have heard about her are not good. She flirts with almost any guy and still does even though she is with him and is quite the partier. I worried that this girl is just using Joe and doesn’t really care about him and also that she will pressure him into drugs and alcohol. But I think if I tell him these things it will just make our friendship awkward or he will get mad at me, but at the same time I care about him and don’t want to see him get hurt. What do I do?

Proceed with caution. I think it’s great that you are concerned for Joe’s wellbeing, but if you’ve merely heard a lot of negative things about his girlfriend, you need to be aware that the rumor mill can greatly exaggerate the truth. So whatever approach you take when dealing with Joe, be careful not to make unfounded assumptions or spread (and thus further legitimize) any gossip you’ve heard about his girlfriend. I think it’s fine to bring up the subject with him, especially if you think his girlfriend my be pressuring him into doing something bad for his health. Just keep in mind that he’s probably heard the rumors too, and he might be a little sensitive to the way people perceive her. If you want to address it, tell him you’ve heard people talking, but you don’t know what to believe. Let him tell you his side of things before you make any judgments or give him any advice. Remember that you are on his side, and that you don’t want to insult him or put him on the spot by telling him whom he should or shouldn’t be dating. Be a supportive, nonbiased friend, listen to Joe, and take it from there.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a month, and everything has been pretty good I guess. He really likes me and texts me all the time and is a great guy and really funny and nice, but I just feel like something is missing for me. I like the idea of having a boyfriend and James is a great guy, but I feel like half the time I'm making up plans to get out of our plans, which should obviously mean I don't like him??? Not so. I do, but at the same time I think that if this relationship is really right, then I should feel better about it. Instead I feel pretty bad about it. For example, my mom and I are extremely close and I haven't even told her about it. I don't want him to meet my parents at all, and other than at school, I've been really secretive about it all. (Side note, I never lie about anything. That's just totally not me.) The problem is that I like hanging out with him and everything, but I feel like maybe I'm not ready for the commitment. That sounds so cliched, but I'm starting to think that might be it. I'm only a junior in high school so I have so much time ahead of me to have a boyfriend… Do I really need one now? And one that I'm still not totally sold on? If that's the problem though, I do care about him and don't want to hurt him so I'm just confused on what to do.

From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you need to summon up a big ol’ bunch of courage and cut this guy loose. It’s not fair to him or you to go forward with the relationship if you aren’t happy. You seem to be maintaining your couple status only because you don’t want to hurt him, and that’s never a good reason to stay in a relationship. Yes, it’s possible that you aren’t ready for commitment at the moment, but if you’ve only been together for a month and the magic is already gone, this boy probably isn’t right for you. It’s best to end things now before either of you becomes more invested. He’s probably picked up on some of the signals that things aren’t working out, so hopefully the breakup won’t completely blindside him. But if it does, that’s okay—the short-term pain will subside eventually, and he'll be better off. Just as you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t excite you, he shouldn’t be strung along in relationship with someone who isn’t completely into it. Take a deep breath and move on!

I have been having a bit of a problem for the past 18 months. My father is the pastor at a local Baptist church. While I remain a nominal member, I have feel very drawn to the Eastern Orthodox Church. I read books about Orthodox theology, post in an Orthodox Internet forum, read The Onion Dome and find myself in stitches, and I am very seriously considering entering the priesthood. I have talked to my parents about the former (after hearing their responses, I dare not bring up the latter). My father is, simply put, a very angry person, with a decisive hatred for any idea that falls outside his very narrow views about Christianity. I suspect my mother to be a bit more sympathetic, but she, for various reasons, winds up being nothing more than a pawn of my father. I am 15, and plan to get my driver's license shortly after turning 16. When I proposed that I be allowed to attend church services elsewhere, my parents kind of flipped out, and gave me some crap that didn't really make any sense, even when I asked them to clarify. I've tried to be patient, but I can't go a Sunday without hearing an affront to one of my most deeply held beliefs. I try avoiding religious discussion altogether, but my family is extremely devout, and such topics come up frequently. On one hand, if I give my actual opinion, it would make them very leery of Orthodoxy in general. On the other hand, if I say nothing, I'll cement their suspicion that I don't really care about God, and the whole "Orthodox" thing is just a way of rebelling. I am (quite literally, in their eyes) damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I'm really not sure how to deal with it in a way that will a) keep me sane and b) potentially change their minds. I understand that you're not particularly religious, but seeing as you probably have more experience with teen angst than the rest of the Internet combined, I hope you might be able to help.

I commend your desire to express your beliefs to your parents in a constructive way. I think you should try to tackle this problem head on—while not talking about it may be easier, it isn’t going to help anyone. Changing your parents’ minds is a tall order, but you may be able to do it if you are persistent and sincere in telling them how you feel. First you need to reassure them that this interest in Orthodoxy is not a passing fancy or something that you are doing to rebel against the Baptist church. You don’t need to say you are so committed that you have considered priesthood, but let them know that you genuinely believe in the Eastern Orthodox teachings and they mean a lot to you, the same way that the Baptist faith means so much to your parents. You don’t need to bash the Baptist church or claim that it’s wrong—you just need to convey that the Orthodox church speaks to you in a way that the Baptist church does not, and as such you don’t think you should be forced to attend a church that doesn’t spiritually compel you. If your parents are leery of Orthodoxy, you might want to ask them what they are concerned about and try to address their fears. It’s possible that they don’t understand Orthodoxy, so it’s your job to inform them. If there are any similarities between the religions, let them know. As you know, religious belief is typically based around very deep-seated convictions, so it’s possible that you’ll never totally convince them that it’s good leave the Baptist church for the Orthodox one, but hopefully you can get them to at least accept your choice. And to do that, you need to persevere. Every time the subject comes up, gently remind your parents of what you believe. You should never feel like you have to hide your faith, or like you have to pretend to believe in something else to please them. Stick to your (metaphorical!) guns and let your parents know that while you are not trying to disobey them, you simply cannot go along with something you don’t believe in. Good luck!

I'm a pretty big tomboy. I have short hair, wear guys’ clothes (although they are the more fitted kind), and have mostly guy friends. I'm the only girl on the Ultimate Frisbee team and I play percussion in the marching band. This has good and bad parts to it—the good thing is, guys feel comfortable around me, trust me, and say that I'm great because I "don't get caught up in all that girl drama." However, the bad thing is that they tend to think of me only as a friend, as a fellow guy. Thus, we have me, the hopeless romantic. I can be a "girl girl"—I wear dresses when it is appropriate and have "girl talk" with girl friends—but it's just not a big part of who I am. And when I ask a guy out, they say that they just think of me as a really good friend. What can I do to get guys to see me as a girl, but without losing who I am?

While cliched heterosexual dating traditions seem to dictate that manly men with their muscles and mustaches chase after girly girls in their dresses and makeup, the reality is that there are plenty of guys (some hyper-masculine, some not) out there who are attracted to you just the way you are. And so I think you should avoid trying to change yourself to please others. It sounds like you are really comfortable with who you are, and that’s awesome! That comfortableness will make you more desirable to some guys, so you just have to be a little patient until the right guy comes along. If you feel like you have to do something, you could see if there are any tomboyish things that you genuinely want to change about yourself, and start there. For example, would you like a different haircut? Do you ever want to mix up your wardrobe? It’s possible that a few small tweaks will make the boys see you as more than an Ultimate Frisbee teammate, but you need to put your own happiness first.

How’s your 2010 so far? Let me know at chris@sparknotes.com.