Dealing with the Relatives

We think Sparkler ReannaTheElf is the most clever elf there ever was! (Seriously, she could teach a college-level course on getting rid of annoying people.) —SparkNotes editors

School is out, holiday break is underway, and you're probably losing your mind from having two weeks with absolutely nothing to do. Just when you think you couldn't get any grumpier, your parents drop a large metaphorical bomb on you: “Oh, don’t forget, your relatives are coming over for New Year's.”

WHAT??? You stand there in shock as your wondrous vacation dwindles away to a total of…nothing. Instead of having any fun at all, you will be dealing with your hyperactive younger cousins, your egotistical uncle, and your “dear old” Aunt Dolores. And there’s no escape in sight.

Or is there? For your Spark-viewing pleasure, I have broken down these pesky relative visitors into three separate categories and provided expert strategies for dealing with each of them. So sit back, relax, and read…your vacation may be salvageable after all.

“Wanna play?”: Escape from the Little Ones

Right as you’ve settled down to watch your favorite TV show, your 6-year-old cousin comes up to you with a disarmingly innocent look: “Wanna come play Princes and Princesses?” You are about to refuse politely, but your parent shoots you a look that says, "You’d better!" So you sigh, get up from that comfortable sofa, and go off to do your duty. Once you are alone with your young relative, you bust out one of these awesomely amazing strategies:

• The Time Limit: A little fun and games won’t hurt you, will it? Agree to play, but only for fifteen minutes. If your cousin argues, you merely say, “Or I could not play at all.” If you have any skill at acting (and we know that you do!), she shall fall for your amazing bluff and play for the allotted time, after which you may depart to resume your previous shenanigans.

• “Oops-A-Daisy”: This method involves the terrible, despicable act of “borrowing.” What shall you borrow? Why, one of the main toys in Princes and Princesses, of course. After all, how can a fire truck rush to rescue the princess if there is no fire truck ? Simply steal away with the object in question, make a show of being unable to locate it, and give up in despair, resuming your previous activities. Just make sure to place the missing piece somewhere where it will be found eventually—like under the couch, near the remote, or in the ice cream.

• The Toilet Break: Blame your unreliable bladder and make a dash for the bathroom, staying in there for at least five minutes. By the time you come out with a suitably relieved expression on your face, your young ADHD friend will have found a new playmate—one that isn’t you.

The Talkative Uncle: Escape from the Self-Obsessed

Of course, your dear old Aunt Lolita will want to tell you all about her house, her hobbies, and her handmade jewelry. Lucky for you, you are ready with these escape strategies. You fortunate werewolf, you.

• Partners in Crime: Make a deal with your parents, your brothers, or anyone else that you'll rescue each other from your talkative relative. To rescue, simply walk by with comments such as, “Mom, can you help me look for my flashlight?” Or, “Mark, where did you put my jacket?” This will provide a way for your struggling relative to politely excuse him/herself. Feel free to cackle conspiratorially.

• Loony Tunes: Your relative is crazy…so act crazier. Respond to her narcissistic blabber with a dreamy expression. At random times during the conversation, make an assanine comment. After a few minutes of your non-responsive, bemused stare, your relative will nervously excuse himself and find some other relative to pester. After only a few masterful performances, your relative will assume that you have lost your marbles completely and shall proceed to ignore you for the duration of their/your stay.

Know-It-Alls: Escape from the Self-Righteous

All right, so you’ve got nothing against your cousin Karen. Seriously. But she’s so annoying! She insists on talking and talking with you about how she knows everything and did you know that this turkey was raised on a farm in Nebraska before being mercilessly slaughtered by The System? You can’t simply ignore her, or she’ll tell everyone how rude you are, and you know how that goes…but you can drive her absolutely crazy—and have some fun in the process.

• Homework: Know-it-alls tend to be terribly impressed by the need to do homework, so anytime you see him closing in, take out your notebook and look studious. If the relative persists, look up with a preoccupied expression and say, “Sorry, this is 20 percent of my final grade,” and ignore him. Also useful for escaping chores.

• Nuh-uh!: She wants an argument, so give her one. As soon as she sits down, engage her in a completely random argument about anything your heart desires. Possible topics: Jell-O may be brought to this earth by aliens, turkeys are related to ducks, jetpack-flying werewolves exist, and the classic: Santa is too real! After losing a few arguments, she will avoid you for all eternity. Feel free to track her down and watch her squirm.

Have you ever tried any of these?

Related Post: Hanging With Adults: A Survival Guide