Breakup Season

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake Gyllenhaal's mom and dad. Turtle on Entourage and Meadow from the Sopranos. (We have no idea what their real names are or if they even have real names.)

Celeb gossip doesn’t lie. Breakup season is upon us, folks. There’s something about hitting the ten-week countdown to Valentine’s Day that sends couples to Splitsville. And that means that every single person reading this is likely going to have to deal with a newly brokenhearted friend in the near future. Here’s a guide to coping with the three types of breakup-ees: 1. The Crier. Your friend is totally crushed by the breakup. There's tissues, snot, and high-pitched wailing. It’s the whole enchilada of emotions. Nothing you say is going to make her feel better. So ditch the “million of fish in the sea” talk and focus on distraction. It’s really the only thing that can work. Bowling, movies, matching tattoos…do whatever it takes to get her mind off the heartbreak.

2. The Hater. You’re friend isn’t sad; he’s mad. This can actually be really fun for you as a friend, because revenge feels pretty good even when it’s not really about you. Crank calling is seriously underrated entertainment. Thinking up heinous rumors to spread can be creatively rewarding. And flaming poop on a doorstep is, well, that’s just gross, but sometimes necessary.

3. The Rebounder. Some of your buds will want to monkey bar to another relationship right away. While at first this seems super easy for you because you don’t have to do much but wingman, it’s actually a disaster waiting to happen. At some point, the breakup is going to catch up with your friend, and you’ll have to deal with the emotions in a major way. We say stop the cycle by being the worst wingman ever. Normally just one “pull my finger” joke is enough to send anyone of the opposite sex running, but practice your creepiest laugh and most intentionally desperate flirting techniques, just in case. All of the resulting alone time should totally give your friend time to heal.

And when all else fails, turn to Ben & Jerry’s. There isn’t an issue known to man that can’t be fixed with ice cream…except diabetes.

Has anyone you know been crying on the bathroom floor for six days straight? Vent in the comments.

Related Post: The Breakup Playlist