A Post-Christmas Letter to Santa

It is customary to send Santa Claus a letter before Christmas, asking for particular gifts and perhaps even lobbying for a place on the good list. Below is an uncustomary letter to Santa. Why uncustomary? Well, this letter was written after Christmas.

Dear Santa,

I thought about texting but I figured you’d probably still be sleeping after The Big Night, and I didn’t want to risk waking you. Sometimes people forget to silence their phones before bed, you know? So I figured I’d use the old email instead.

First of all, good work on delivering gifts to millions of children worldwide. A very impressive feat, especially for someone of your age and physical fitness level.

Now that those pleasantries are over, let’s get down to business:

I know you probably get lots of mail, but I wanted to discuss the matter of a certain piece of mail I sent to you a few weeks ago. It was an email, actually. Subject “Wish List.” I sent it to santa@santamail.com. Is that the right address? I only ask because, well, there are certain, shall we say, discrepancies between the items on said Wish List and the actual items that were delivered to my living room on Christmas morning.

Santa, big guy, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to come across as one of those ungrateful children of privilege. I do appreciate the sweaters. Also, the external hard drive—very useful and I am looking forward to backing up my data. But, you see, while sweaters and hard drives are nice, they are slightly different from what I asked for. Namely, Taylor Swift’s hand in marriage.

I can understand how sweaters and external hard drives could be a part of a larger gift package that involved Taylor Swift being my bride. I could, for example, use a sweater on my ski resort honeymoon with Taylor Swift in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. And the hard drive could come in useful to back up all of the photos, videos, and video-photo-slideshows from my sunset wedding to Taylor Swift on a Hawaiian beach. However, Santa, while on Christmas morning I found the more inconsequential items of the aforementioned hypothetical gift package (sweaters, hard drive) I was disappointed that you seemed to leave out the more essential component of what I had explicitly requested (Taylor Swift).

Listen, Santa, I am not angry. I am not angry because this situation can be very easily rectified. All you have to do, once you wake up from your post Dec. 25^th snooze, is just use some of your North Pole magic to magically marry Taylor Swift and me in a magical marriage of magic bliss. Magic. I’ll even return the gifts you gave me just in case, you know, there was a mixup and some kid in Tennessee who asked for a sweater and data storage is wondering why Taylor Swift is sitting in his living room.

Sincerely,

Wish List Clarifier

P.S. Just in case some sort of North Pole intern is in charge of sorting all of these letters, this letter is a few days late, not 360 or so days early.

What are you still hoping for?

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