I don’t know about you, but I'm celebrating Christmas. That means dudes in red suits, illuminated trees, fireplaces inside TVs, and boxes upon boxes upon boxes of stuff. This year I didn’t ask for anything except some new pots and pans, which I think is a sure sign that I am becoming elderly. (Next year, all I’ll want is a hot water bottle for my aching joints and a new holster for my dentures.) As you’ve probably heard, Christmas is excellent not only because you get things, but because it gives you the opportunity to get your generosity on as well. I’ve found that it’s best to mix things up and give people gifts they expect (books, socks) along with items they never knew existed (Play Doh cologne, Jellyfish mood lamp). And that means I am absolutely thrilled to deliver a variety of replies to Sparkler queries on this joyous occasion. If you celebrate today: Merry Christmas! And if not: Happy December 25th!
I'm in a weird situation. I'm 18 and have had not-so-great experiences with guys so far. Not bad, just not so great. I know this is normal and I'm not dwelling on it at all, but I have realized that I'm actually kind of old fashioned and want to wait until I'm older (say, 23ish) and more mature to date, because I'm the serious relationship type of girl and I want to know it can lead somewhere. I should add that the fact that I've been living in a small town with almost no people my age for two years helps. However, this weekend I went to a wedding, and I *drum roll* met a guy. He's 21, which I don't think is a bad age gap at all, and even though I'm usually super shy—especially around guys—we clicked instantly and talked a lot. By the time the night was over he'd promised to teach me to surf. He's completely non-creepy, down to earth, and non-Edward. Even my parents like him, which is saying A LOT. My question is, given the decision I've made, how do I keep from dating guys I feel a spark with or become interested in? If not this guy, some guy is going to come along before 5 years go by. This is way weird for me because I'm really not boy-obsessed (even though it sounds like it in this message), I'm not the "date a different guy every night" type of girl, and I really want to stick to my decision. Any advice?
I have a crazy idea: why not let this non-Edward teach you how to surf? If you catch some waves and make some reasonably non-awkward conversation, maybe you can even see him again. While it's good to want a relationship that will lead somewhere, you shouldn't create such arbitrary dating rules for yourself. Why 23? Why not 22 or 24? Maybe 34 would be best if you really want to be more mature. How do you know you won't stumble across the man of your dreams next year? Are you going pass him up because you’re not 23 yet? Believe it or not, you may be able to find a guy who wants to be serious before you get into your early-mid 20s. Just because most guys in this age range seem to want to play the field doesn’t mean all of them do. And sometimes, even if the circumstances don't seem right, a relationship develops anyway. For example: I started dating my lady when I was 18, and 12 years later, here we are, getting pots and pans for Christmas. To an outsider, getting into a serious relationship at that time may not have seemed logical, but it happened and worked out for the best. If we had imposed some bizarre dating rules on ourselves instead of just doing what felt right, we may have missed out on an thing. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. The point is, don't let some arbitrary rule cause you to miss out on any incredible things! If you want to go out with someone, do it.
I am a model student, with perfect grades, two part-time jobs (I can manage because my school ends at noon), I volunteeer and I am a musician, a pianist. I have several close groups of friends, I adore them all, and we get along great. I don't have a boyfriend, but that is not something that I am obsessing over at the moment. By the way I am an 18 year old girl. I have been accepted through early at my top choice college with a full scholarship, after many years of hard work and the horrible stress of applying. Generally I am admired and accoladed wherever I go because of my academics and my accomplishments. Me and my mother live together (my father's abroad), I don't have any siblings, so it's very peaceful and quiet, just the way I want it to be. Externally, my life seems perfect, but I have been having a feeling of melancholy lately and I've slipped into a terrible habit: I've started to smoke. Cigarettes, that is. I first smoked with a couple of my friends a few months ago. Only those two friends know about this. I'm pretty surprised at myself, as if you asked anyone if I smoked they would answer, "No way!" I feel like I'm betraying everyone I know with my secret. I'm afraid of ruining my pristine reputation and of disappointing so many people who love me and want the best for me. This news would crush my mother, I feel terrible hiding like this. Yet my problem is that I cannot bring myself to quit smoking! The stress of being a senior has really built up inside me and I think I'm under the illusion that smoking will take my troubles away. I don't know where to turn, how to distract myself, it's not as if I'm alone, but I cannot speak as openly with anyone I know. Please help!
Smoking cigarettes is really, really bad for your health. In fact, it can make your lungs look like this. Not very appealing is it? So if you need motivation to stop, maybe you should blow up that picture, print it out, and tape it around your pack of smokes. Also, smoking can give you bad breath, yellow teeth, and breathing problems. Oh, and don't forget about cancer and emphysema. Smoking may make you feel a little more relaxed, but the positives are greatly outweighed by the negatives. But you seem really smart, so you probably know all this. And yet you are still smoking. Have you asked yourself why? Does it really make you feel relaxed? Or are you so paranoid that someone is going to find out that you end up being tense anyway? Maybe smoking allows you to feel a little rebellious? Almost everyone I know has tried smoking at one point, so maybe you are just trying something out, and in a month or two you’ll find it completely repulsive. Obviously you should try not to do it, but since you are 18, it’s not illegal and you are free to smoke if you want. If no one knows you smoke, you probably aren't smoking a whole lot, so hopefully it’s just a passing fancy that came about because you are under a lot of stress. You should monitor your cigarette intake. If you start to smoke more or notice yourself craving cigarettes, you might be getting addicted, which is not good. In that case, you can find some quitting resources here and here. I know that life can be stressful sometimes, but smoking is not going to help anything. If you are feeling overwhelmed or depressed, you're much better off talking to someone—your parents, a school counselor, or a therapist. Take care of yourself!
Hi, I’m having a tiny bit of a problem. I read one of your recent posts, with someone who wanted to be a writer. The advice you gave them was very helpful to me, but I’m worried about what I should write about. I have this really good (I think) plot line for a vampire story, but I don’t know whether that’s been done too much recently. I think that vampires are interesting to write and read about, and my plot wouldn’t work if they were human. I’ve had several ideas for vampire stories, and I’ve told one of my friends. She just says “Oh, like Twilight?” even when they’re not anything like Twilight! I’m losing faith in my newest plot, which I really like. I don’t really know what to do. Please help!
To be honest, the answer is yes, vampires have been done too much recently. Inevitably, your work is going to be compared to or lumped in with Twilight and the various Twilight rip-offs. This could be good or bad. Vampires are hot, so people like reading about them. On the other hand, people might be getting tired of vampires, and they might dismiss your story even if it does have a fantastic plot line. On the other other hand, if you have a really amazing narrative, you should believe in yourself, stick with it, and disregard the naysayers who aren't writing anything. You could also try to tweak your plot to make it stand out a little more. Do you think you could substitute another undead creature for vampires? How about a mummy? A monster along the lines of what Dr. Frankenstein created? A brain-eating poodle? No matter what happens, I'm psyched that you are writing!
I've known this boy (I'll call him Scott) since seventh grade (we're seniors). We dated in middle school, and since then we've been friends. He's asked me out twice, but I said no because I was with someone else. This year, after things ended with a younger guy I really liked, Scott and I confessed our feelings for each other by text. Since then, we've been very flirty and talked a lot, mostly texting, and he gives me a hug when he sees me (but no other physical stuff). The problem: Scott has a girlfriend (I'll call her Alice) that's been my friend for as long as I've known Scott. Scott doesn't want to date her anymore and wants to break up with her, but as odd as it sounds, I don't like that idea. I like Alice a lot; we've never had any friendship problems or anything. I don't want to hurt her or ruin our relationship, and her boyfriend dumping her for me would certainly do that. I know how wrong this is already. I've been trying to ignore it, but all the guilt came to the surface when a text conversation with Scott started to turn into sexting. I stopped it before it went really far, both because I wasn't ready and because it really shocked me, how much this would hurt Alice if she knew. Scott was fine with this; he understood why we stopped, and he feels extremely guilty too, even if Alice is a "problem" for him—he knows my situation with her, and he doesn't want to screw her over either. I know you're probably thinking what a horrible person I am, and how cold it is of me to get involved with something like this. You're right. Normally, every fiber of my being would scream how wrong this is and prevent me from even coming close to Scott. But I don't think Scott and I can let go of each other—we are so close, and so good together. We can practically hear what the other person's thinking, and even after six years, we keep coming back to each other. I don't know what to do. I want to be with this amazing guy I feel for so much, but I can't bear the thought of betraying Alice. I am completely caught. I just need someone who (after they're done screaming at me about how terrible I am) will give me some good, solid advice from an outsider's standpoint.
I’m not going to scream at you. But I might scream at Scott a little. SCOTT: YOU NEED TO STOP LEADING ON POOR ALICE. And SCOTT: PLEASE FIGURE OUT YOUR BIZNASS ASAP. The biggest problem here is that Scott is still with Alice when he has feelings for you. That’s kind of messed up, don't you think? Your feelings about their relationship shouldn’t matter; if he doesn’t want to be with her, he should break up with her. It's that simple. And if Scott is incapable of being honest with himself, with Alice, and with you, do you really want to be with him? How would you feel if you were in Alice’s position and Scott was all sexting behind your back? I suspect that Scott is too scared to break up with Alice, but maybe it would be helpful to ask him why they are still together if he wants to be with you. If he doesn't have a good answer, I would tell him to figure it out! He really needs to clear up his relationship with Alice before putting the moves on you via text or other method. In the meantime, you can still be friends with Scott, but let him know that you don’t want to hear about his relationship unless absolutely necessary. Once Scott figures out how to proceed or not proceed with Alice, then you can decide if you should date him. Personally, I am a little skeptical of his unfaithful tendencies, but if you take it slow, you should be all right. Just don't let him play you—it's really easy to get hurt in a situation like this.
Basically my life is sucking right now. My parents got divorced when I was really young. It's all I ever remember. I've always loved it how it is: me, my mom, and my younger brother. Me and mom have always been very close. I told her more than most teenagers probably tell their parents. She would tell me just about everything going on with her. So when I found out my mom had a boyfriend that she hadn't told me about, I was super happy for her... right? WRONG! I know it's probably terrible, but I hate it. She finally told me about a week ago and I thought that this was just someone who my mom could finally have "adult time" with. I never expected to find out that she had been telling him things that I thought were just between us. And then she tells me that he is coming over for dinner Thursday. So naturally I'm thinking of all the possible ways to get out of meeting this guy. So that's the worst of it... right? WRONG! Then I found out that my mom is having a friend of hers go with her to her surgery. Plastic surgery! My mom is having secret plastic surgery!! I've always had a lot of problems with confidence. I basically have no self-confidence whatsoever and have asked my mom to have countless surgical enhancements. Most of it I never would actually consider getting done. But my mom always told me to be happy with what God gave me and I'm beautiful just the way I am...blah blah blah. So basically I have no idea anymore who this lady who claims to be mom is.
Wow, you have a lot going on there. It sounds like you feel betrayed by your mom, and I strongly encourage you to talk to her about it. I'm glad you wrote to me to share your feelings, but it's important for you to have this discussion with her! The good thing is, you seem to have an open relationship with her, so that should make the conversation slightly easier. (Don't get me wrong, it's still going to awkward, but you'll survive.) I think your feelings of betrayal are completely natural—you feel like you and your mom had a special relationship, but now some dude is intruding and making you feel less special. Tell your mom how you feel and try to get her perspective on the situation. This whole dating thing might not be easy for her either, so it's crucial that you both talk about it so that no one is hiding anything. While you're talking to her, definitely ask her why she is having plastic surgery, especially when she forbid you to do so. She may not change her plans, but you should at least see how she is feeling and let her know that you feel that she is being hypocritical. As for your own lack of self-confidence, plastic surgery is probably not the answer. You might alter one body part, but before long you may find another to obsess over and want to “fix.” Before taking any drastic steps, you should speak to someone about your self-image issues: a school counselor, teacher, therapist, or even your mom. It's possible that your issues lie with the way you see yourself as opposed to the way you actually look, and it may take the guidance of a professional to help you through it. Good luck and don't keep your emotions bottled up.
I'm sure you've gotten questions about stage fright before, but I figured I'd ask you anyway. In band, I play an oboe (one of the loudest instruments), and the music we play in class always seems to assign the oboe a solo. It's not just a solo where one instrument is playing something special when other instruments are still playing, but the kind of solo where absolutely every instrument drops out while only one instrument (me) is playing. There's another girl in class who plays oboe with me, but she insists that I'm the better musician, so I should play the solos. My problem is, every time I try and blow a note into the instrument when I'm attempting a solo, noise doesn't come out. I guess you can call it "instrument stage fright." It's like whenever I try and play a solo, my fingers freeze up, the air doesn't come out right, and I'm basically not able to play. At all. When I play the solos (which usually aren't very hard) at home, I can play them just fine. I just can't play when I'm in class and the only person playing is me. Do you have any advice for me? How can I stop freaking out in band class and play the solos right, for a change?
The key to proper soloing is confidence. I’ve played various instruments in orchestras and bands over the years. In my experience, the only way to get over stage or instrument fright is to play in front of people until it no longer feels weird. You basically have to train your mind to be comfortable with performing. That will take some time, and it's important to proceed in stages. Start small! Can you practice your solos in front of your family or friends? Begin by playing in front of one or two people, then work your way up to five or ten if you can round up that many ears. Eventually you can treat these small performances as practice to acclimate yourself to the pressure. Also, practice your solos to the point where you can perform them automatically. You don’t want to give your brain the chance to think about the big moment, because that’s when things can go awry. Another helpful technique is to refrain from acknowledging the solo as a solo. Think of it as just a succession of notes on the page, and play those notes just like any other notes in your performance. If you are confident in your abilities, you should be able to play all the notes the same regardless of what other instruments are accompanying you. Try to minimize the importance of the solo and you may be able to get through it without breaking a sweat. Keep practicing and don't give up—I know you'll totally rock that oboe solo.
Got a stocking full of post-Christmas queries? Send 'em to chris@sparknotes.com.
Related Post: Reading Books, Writing Stories, and Drinking Alcohol
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
Tags: parents, twilight, band, orchestra, dating, writing, smoking, Music, stage fright, divorce, plastic surgery, sexting
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