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Blogging Eclipse: Part 7

Blogging Eclipse: Part 7

Chapter Seven: Unhappy Ending
Better Title: Eighteen Pages of Crap Punctuated by Two Pages of Awesome.

Dan hesitated at the computer, his breathtaking face unsure how to begin this enchanting blog. "Perhaps I will commence by mocking the opening line of this chapter," Dan muttered quietly. "It would be easy to do. The first sentence is dreadfully written, and the chapter itself so rife with sentimentally and pretension that it made me unglower and chortle. Even now, just thinking of the phrase 'Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure' brings a smile to my face like that of a child on Christmas morn." And with that, Dan stopped himself from writing the rest of the blog in such a pompous manner, and returned to using plain, pedestrian English.

You suck, Stephenie Meyer. I can't tell if I'm reading Twilight, or Jane Eyre fan fiction. No one talks like this. No one thinks like this, either. I understand that Rosalie is almost 100 years old, but even my 96-year-old grandma doesn't speak like she's stepping into the ballroom of the Titanic. And Bella's own thoughts and narration are just as cheesy.

It's obvious that Stephenie Meyer is trying to impress the readers and make us think that Rosalie's story is all so grand and tragic. But it isn't. It's a big ball of clichés and cheesiness. A clich-eese ball, if you will. The writing in this chapter makes a typical soap opera sound as if it were written by Diablo Cody. And the opening line made me laugh for a good 30 seconds. Let me write it again:

Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.

Ha! Oh man, that's even funnier than the joke about the ventriloquist frog. If Bella were a real 18-year-old girl and saw Rosalie standing in her doorway, she would not think to herself, "Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure." Instead she would think:

"Rosalie was in my doorway, and she looked confused. What the hell is her problem?"

Or

"Rosalie was nearby. It was weird. Whatever."

Or

"Rose be all up in my business. And I'm all like, eww."

The writing in this chapter also illustrates my point that when Bella talks to her high school friends, it seems natural. But when she talks to a monster, the dialogue becomes hilariously overwritten. In the last chapter, when Bella and Angela were discussing boys, Bella said, "Edward thinks Jacob is a bad influence, I guess. Sort of…dangerous." That's not going to win a ribbon at this year's Dialogue Awards, but at least it sounds like something a teenager would say.

But when she's with Rosalie, everything becomes forced. For example, this bit of dialogue that seems about as natural as a nine-headed turtle: "Would you like to hear my story Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending—but which of ours does?" That's so freaking profound, Rose. You just blew my mind with that eloquent, poetic, spur-of-the-moment statement. (Hand raised)

After Rosalie makes her hesitant, unsure, breathtaking entrance, she sits down with Bella and begins to explain why she always acts cold towards Belly. It's a long, rambling story, and I'll be honest, I didn't really pay close attention to what happened. (I was busy thinking about graham crackers, and why graham pretzels and graham soda don't exist.) But here's the gist of Rose's tale:

Back in the 1930s, Rosalie was a happy, pretty girl, the daughter of a well-to-do banker and a prim and proper mother. She was a spoiled brat who knew that everyone gawked at her beauty. She wanted nothing more in life than a big house, and servants, and a handsome, rich husband. Or so she thought.

She was courted by a wealthy banker's son named Royce King. I assume Meyer uses this name because it would be too obvious to call him Prince Miser Moneybags, or Lord Evil Cashdollar. Anyway, Royce and Rose planned to get married, and Rose thought everything was going to be splendid. But…are you sitting down? Things ended badly!

Rose had a friend named Vera. Vera married a poor carpenter (I don't remember his name, so I'll call him Frodo Pennypot). At first Rose could not understand why a woman would lower her social standing by dating a carpenter, but then she saw how much Frodo loved Vera. And when Vera and Frodo had a beautiful child, Rose realized there might be more to life than snobbery. But Rose still wanted to marry the wealthy Royce, even though he wasn't that nice of a dude.

After leaving Vera and Fordo's place one chilly April night, Rose was heckled by a group of drunk men partying under a broken street light. Drunk men under a broken street light are never a good sign. If this scene seems familiar, it's because it's been used in just about every single movie, book, TV show, play, opera, puppet show, music video, commercial, ballet, comic strip, and cave drawing that you've ever seen.

As the men called out to the scared Rose, she realized that she recognized one of the voices. One of the drunk guys was…wait for it…Royce King himself! At first Rose was relieved that her boyfriend was there to protect her, but he didn't greet her with hugs, kisses, and silver spoons. Instead, he barked at her to come closer to the guys. He then showed her off like she were a piece of meat. He tugged her hair and ripped off her coat to give his buddies a better look.

Rosalie stops her story here, and doesn't go into the gruesome details. Needless to say, bad things happened that night. The men had their way with her, and left her beaten and injured, lying on the street. She thought she would die on the cold ground, but luckily Dr. Carlisle Cullen found her, and took her back to his place, to a shocked Esme and Edward.

Rosalie then felt something stabbing her throat and wrists, and it's obvious that Carlisle was transforming her into a vampire. Edward thought it was foolish for Carlisle to transform one of the town's most recognizable socialites, but Carlisle said, "I couldn't just let her die."

Granted, we have no idea how badly Rosalie was injured. I'm sure she wasn't in great shape. But Carlisle doesn't even give the girl a bandage or some aspirin. Instead he simply transforms her into a vampire. That's a bit hasty and out of character, don't you think?

Of all the people Carlisle treated as a doctor, he's only transformed two or three people (Ed, Rose, and maybe Esme). So he's probably let a lot of folks die, innocent people who were sick with disease, children with critical burn injuries, soldiers who were simply trying to defend their country, etc. And yet when one pretty girl is a little beat up and chilly, he suddenly decides to save her life and make her immortal by using vampire powers? Was she even dying?

What happened to Rose is horrible, and I'm not saying she didn't deserve to be helped. But if Carlisle is going to jaunt around town turning injured people into vampires, why doesn't he do so more often? He could save millions of lives! Instead, he's chosen to save a handful of pretty people. Way to go, Dr. C. (You can't tell, but I'm slowly clapping my hands in a sarcastic manner. I'm also smirking in a sarcastic manner…and chewing on a pizza bagel, somewhat sarcastically.)

Rosalie continues telling Bella the story, describing how super-attractive the transformation made her. There was a time when Rosalie wanted to be the most beautiful being on the planet, but when she finally got her wish, she really only wanted the life her ugly friends Vera and Frodo had. She wanted a life of genuine love, and she wanted the ability to have babies. (If I didn't know better, I would say that Ms. Meyer stole Rose's unfulfilled desire to have children from my poem "Batman vs. The Fertility Doctor.")

Under Carlisle's tutelage, Rose became a good vampire, and never tasted human blood. But she did kill a few people. After she was transformed, she wanted revenge, and murdered Royce King and his friends. But she didn't shed any blood, because she knew she would not be able to control her thirst. I wonder how she killed these seven people without getting bloody. Probably by drowning them, or making them eat foods high in saturated fats and cholesterol.

Since vampires are weird, silly drama freaks, she even wore her wedding dress as she killed Royce and his goons. Was that intended to scare Royce? I'm sure he didn't care.

ROYCE: Oh no! You've come to kill me! Please don't kill me! Agh! Ack! Noooo! Hey, what's up with that dress? Whatever. Ack! Arggggggggh. Gurgle.

Rosalie ends the story, and is surprised to learn that Edward never told Bella what happened. Bella says Edward was being respectful of Rosalie's privacy, and Rose says, "He's really quite decent, isn't he?" And I laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

This brings us back to why Rosalie hates Bella. She's annoyed that Bella wishes to become a vampire simply because Bella doesn't want to be old. Rose is envious of Bella's ability to have children, and doesn’t understand why Bella would throw it all away. She wants Bella to know that if she became a vampire, she might regret the choice. I agree. Bella needs to think things through.

This is just like the time in elementary school when I refused to wear my lazy-eye patch because I thought it made me ugly. I have a bad eye, and the doctor said if I wore a patch for a few hours a day in kindergarten, my eye would get better. But I refused, thinking only of the present, never realizing how this would change my life. And now, because I was vain and didn't wear the patch, I have horrible vision in one eye, and can't see 3-D movies very well, and have poor depth perception. So if you throw me something, I probably won't catch it. (And even if I had good eyes, I still wouldn't catch it because I have little, pencil-thin wrists that are often mistaken for hairy bread sticks.) So Bella needs to think ahead and understand the consequences.

Bella argues that becoming a vampire isn't all bad because Rosalie has found a soul mate in Emmett. (Yay! Emmett is mentioned again!) But Rose says although she loves Emmett, she still wishes to have children and grandchildren. Can't she adopt? Or just watch the Hallmark Channel all day like my great aunt?

When Rosalie rescued the human Emmett from being mauled by a bear, she took him back to Carlisle and begged him to transform Emmett and save his life. She loved him from the moment she saw him, because his face reminded her of Vera's baby. So…wait. Rose loves Emmett because he looks like the child Rose could never have? That's kind of confusing, and icky. And Emmett is no child!

Rose reminds Bella that the choice to become a vampire is permanent. And before leaving, she pats Bella on the head. That's not odd. I pat people on the head all the time when I finish a story. It's a classier way of saying, "The End." Rosalie leaves, or as Stephenie Meyer puts it, "She got up silently and ghosted to the door." Seeing "ghost" used as a verb always makes me smile.

The next morning, Alice drives Bella to school…and then something amazing happens! Go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and grab a snack. This is going to get fantastic.

Bella snaps at Alice for the whole kidnapping plan. And Alice simply frowns. (That's not the awesome part.) Between classes, Mike Newton once again asks Bella out (this isn't the awesome part, either) and just as she's shooting him down, a loud motorcycle engine is heard in the background. (OK. This is the awesome part!)

Bella turns around and sees Jacob "The Thunder" Black stopping his motorcycle on the sidewalk, as he revs the engine and beckons to her. And she finally comes to her senses and sprints over to Jacob, hopping on his motorcycle while giving Alice a look that says, "How do you like me now, you kidnapping freak?"

Jake then speeds off before Alice has a chance to stop him, and he races for the werewolf territory. Once they make it past the boundary, Jacob smiles and asks,"What do you want to do today?"

Bella answers, "Anything!"

I'm not kidding! This part actually happens. I know it sounds like one of my goofy jokes, where I write, "And then Jacob and Bella fly off in jetpacks to go hunt dragons with Robocop." But this time it's real! Jacob rescues Bella! Merry Christmas to Dan!

Glowers: 0 (Book Total: 7)
Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 19)

Prediction:

Carlisle administers CPR to an ugly old guy. After a few chest compressions he looks up and spots a young attractive woman who is suffering from a minor paper cut. He lets the man die and quickly rushes to the woman's side. He transforms her into a vampire, saying, "I have given you the curse of life, my dear. I have much to teach you."

Meanwhile Bella hangs out with Jacob.

JACOB: What should we do?
BELLA: I don't know. We could go to a movie. Or we could ghost.
JACOB: What?
BELLA: We could ghost.
JACOB: What does that mean?
BELLA: It's a verb. It means to do things in a ghost-like manner. You know…ghosting.
JACOB: That sounds strange.
BELLA: Ghosting is the best. I ghosted all the time back in Arizona.
JACOB: Hmm. Why don't we imprint instead?
BELLA: Well, how about if we imprint and then ghost?
JACOB: Hell yes!
BELLA: If you don't have ghosting gloves, you can borrow mine.

Merry Christmas, Sparklers! We got you this complete list of Dan's Twilight posts. Hope you like it!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, books we love to hate, blogging eclipse

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