We’re not referring to the naughty word or the French University for Canadian Kings. The F-bomb we’re talking about is the nasty grade you may be anticipating at the end of the marking period.
Now, we know most of you Sparklers are grade A students, but we also know that at least one of you slept through the majority of your 1st period Algebra class and is now anticipating certain doom on her report card this semester. Fear not! Here are five ways to break the news that your parents' precious pookie poo got a FAIL on a report card:
1. The Worse Case Scenario Illusion: Sit your parents down and tell them you have some bad news for them. Proceed as follows: “Mom and Dad, I love you very much, but there’s some terrible news I have to tell you. I’m strung out on cough syrup, I’ve been selling my blood to vampires, and I’m pregnant. Still trying to figure out who the father is.” Let them simmer in despair for a second, and then catch them before it gets ugly. “Okay, none of that is true, but I did get a C in Chem Lab.”
2. "You’re The Best Parent Ever!": Butter up your parents real good. You know, cook them dinner, flatter them incessantly ("Did you lose weight? That mock turtleneck really accentuates your...eyes!"), let them know how wonderful, forgiving, loving, and kind they’ve been to you. You’re going to need that loving forgiveness when you tell them about flunking gym.
3. “Don’t Worry, I’m Punishing Myself”: Being a parent sure can be stressful, so why not do some self-parenting and help the folks out? Here’s your script: “Hey parental units. I just want to let you guys know that I got a D in Home Economics, and I am very VERY disappointed in myself. I mean, you guys don’t pay all those tax dollars for me to flunk the easiest class in school, right? Seriously, I have to get my act together, so I’m grounding myself for one week. Now I know this sounds harsh, but it’s tough love and I’ll be a better person for it. Thanks for being understanding. I’m lucky to have parents like you.”
4. Cry: It may be weak, but parents have a bottomless soft spot for a crying child. If you can muster an ugly cry with incomprehensible blubbering, it'll likely soften the blow of punishment.
5. Verbal Diarrhea: That’s right, just blurt it out. Prepare to answer seemingly rhetorical questions like “What were you thinking!?” and “Do you want to become a gas station attendant in Tulsa?!”
What do you do when you've got a bomb to drop on the 'rents?
Related Post: Your Worst Grade, Rationalized
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