Auntie SparkNotes: Single Moms and Secret Surgery

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
Basically my life is sucking right now.

My parents got divorced when I was really young. I've always loved it how it is: me, my mom, and my younger brother. Me and mom have always been very close. I told her more than most teenagers probably tell their parents. She would tell me just about everything going on with her.

So when I found out my mom had a boyfriend that she hadn't told me about, I was super happy for her...right? WRONG! I know it's probably terrible but I hate it. She finally told me about a week ago and I thought that this was just someone who my mom could finally have "adult time" with. I never expected to find out that she had been telling him things that I thought were just between us.

And then she tells me that he is coming over for dinner Thursday. So naturally I'm thinking of all the possible ways to get out of meeting this guy.

So that's the worst of it...right?

WRONG!

Then I found out that my mom is having a friend of hers go with her to surgery. Plastic surgery! Secret plastic surgery!! I've always had a lot of problems with confidence. But my mom always told me to be happy with what God gave me and I'm beautiful just the way I am...blah blah blah.

So basically I have no idea anymore who this lady who claims to be mom is.

Holy cats, letter-writer, that's quite a situation! If only there was somebody you could talk to, right? Somebody who would be able to explain what's going on in your mom's head. Somebody who could tell you why your mom is doing what she's doing. Somebody like...

Your mom.

Of course, Auntie SparkNotes completely understands that you're feeling betrayed and weirded out and generally thrown for a loop by all this new mom-stuff—but in order to make it through The Crazy, you're gonna have to go to the source. And that means talking to your mom.

How? We'll get there in a second.

But first, try to put aside your feelings of betrayal and think about your mom as a person. She's human, and complex, and it makes sense that she might want to date after so many years of being single. And despite your close relationship, there are certain things that parents don't (and shouldn't) necessarily share with their kids. Should she have been more up front with you about what was going on? Probably. Do you have a right to be upset that she shared stuff with an unknown third party that you wanted kept between you? Absolutely.

This is where the conversation comes in. You and your mom have a great relationship, and she'll want to know that you're feeling completely freaked out about all this. So...

Ask her to talk. Do this when it's just the two of you, and well before her boyfriend comes over for dinner.
Tell her you're upset, but don't jump down her throat. Try saying something like, “I want to be happy for you”—'cause you do, right?—“and I know it's not logical, but I'm feeling sad that you have a new boyfriend. Also, when I found out you told your boyfriend x, y, and z, I felt really betrayed. I thought that was just between us.”
Then, hear her out. Your mom may not have realized that her actions would upset you, and she also might have had a good reason for not telling you about the boyfriend sooner. Many parents don't want to shake up their children's lives by introducing a boyfriend (or girlfriend) into the mix unless it's a serious relationship; you mom may have been waiting to make sure that this guy was going to be around for awhile before bringing him home.
And finally, negotiate. You can't demand that your mom ditch the boyfriend—and if you care about her happiness, you do owe him a fair shake. You said she's a good mom, and there must be some reason she wants you to meet this dude. But you can absolutely ask that she respect your privacy, and not tell her BF things that you've told her in confidence. Ask her to keep this stuff under wraps in the future, unless you say it's okay to share.

Oh, and about the secret plastic surgery: I know it feels like your mom is being a big ol' hypocrite by getting nip-tucked after she told you to be happy with what God gave you. But the truth is, there's a difference between being happy with what God gave you when you're 16, and trying to keep what God gave you looking good when you're 50. Many, many women are fine with their looks as young adults, but still want to do a little maintenance once things start to wrinkle and sag. (It's the difference between Cheryl Ladd plastic surgery and, say, Tara Reid plastic surgery.) So by all means, bring this up with your mom (e.g. "Mom, after what you told me about plastic surgery, I'm surprised that you would have work done")—but don't get too caught up in judging her until you've heard what she has to say.

Let us know how it goes!

Has your mom had secret plastic surgery? Got some feedback for our letter-writer? Leave your comments below, or email Auntie for advice at advice@sparknotes.com.