The Mind of a Candy Cane Eater

You're going to eat a candy cane in the next few days. This is a fact. And when you do, your mind will wander and strange thoughts will enter your head. To prepare you, we have eaten a candy cane and liveblogged this epic event, jotting down everything that popped into our minds.

Unwrapping (10:30 a.m.)
I don't want to eat a candy cane. They are stupid. I'd rather just eat a mint. I wish I had chocolate or something surrounded by cake. Or pancakes. [Grabs candy cane]

Should I start from the bottom of the cane, or at the hooked end? Hey, look! It fits around my ear. I'm the first person to ever try that. I'll tear it open from the bottom. Boy, this is sticky. The plastic isn't coming off in one piece. There are tiny flecks of plastic still on the candy cane. Should I just lick them off? I can't peel them off. If I lick them off, I'll probably die from plastic poisoning.

10:31 a.m.
This doesn't taste good. It tastes like wet plastic. I think I'm just licking the plastic. It does not taste like peppermint. Ooh! I just got a bit of peppermint flavor. It's not very strong. They should make Altoid Candy Canes. My hand is sticky.

10:33 a.m.
It's hard to do anything else while eating a candy cane. It's not like a lollipop. I could type and talk on the phone while eating a lollipop. But a candy cane has this sticky wrapper flapping about as I suck on it, and the curved end is catching my eye. I cannot look away from the curved end. The curved end is hypnotically twirling in front of my eyes. My hands are sticky. My tongue is bored and tired. I should give it a rest.

10:34 a.m.
ZAP! ZAP! I just made my candy cane into a gun by holding the curved end like a pistol grip. I'm the first person to ever think of this. Must I finish eating this? My mouth is tired. My lips are sticky. My hands are sticky. I want pancakes.

10:40 a.m.
By rotating the candy cane in my mouth, I have sharpened the tip. It's lethal. I bet my candy dagger could stab through skin or even body armor. If I keep eating the candy cane like this, the point will eventually become microscopic, sharper than a needle. Then I shall rule the world! My hand is sticky. I cannot touch anything else, because my hands are so sticky. My lips feel like Scotch tape. I hope someone brings me a warm, wet towel…and a better piece of candy. I want to see how sharp I can make the point. This will be the sharpest candy cane in the history of the world! I will never bite this candy cane.

10:41 a.m.
I bit the candy cane. It's no longer lethal. Now it's simply jagged. I scrapped my tongue with it. Remember those mini-candy canes the school bus driver would hand out? They were always broken. Always. I've never seen a mint-condition mini-candy cane. Ha! Mint…condition. I'm hilarious. I can't believe I'm still eating this. I just ate more of the plastic wrapper. I can't tell what part is plastic and what part is candy. I'm not even near the curved part yet. I will never finish eating this candy cane.

10:42 a.m.
I should have eaten Skittles. Skittles are easy to eat, and they taste better too, except the yellow ones. My hands feels as though they've been soaking in super glue. Can I be done now? I don’t even want the curved part.

10:43 a.m.
Candy canes are probably the only medical assistance-themed candy on the market. They should make candy crutches, or candy hearing aids. It's taking forever to eat this. They could use candy canes to measure obscene amounts of time. Geologists could say, "The Grand Canyon was formed over a period of two million candy canes." And that would mean the time it took to create the Grand Canyon is equal to the time it takes to devour two million candy canes. I bet I'm 56 candy canes old.

10:44 a.m.
I'm at the curved part! It tastes just like the rest of the candy cane. They should make the curved part taste like red Skittles, or pancakes. It could be the reward for eating the rest of the crappy candy. The ads would say, "Eat the stick, and then enjoy the special, great-tasting curved part! Now available in pancake flavor!" Do people ever start eating candy canes from the curved section? If it tasted like pancakes, I bet they would.

10:45 a.m.
How am I suppose to eat this curved section? Do I bite it? The curve frames my tongue perfectly. I can lick both sides of the curved part simultaneous this way. This is amazing. But I don't know where to hold it. How do I hold it? My hands are sticky! Someone help!

10:46 a.m.
I broke it with my hands…out of anger. Stupid candy cane. I have one broken, curved piece in my mouth, and the other is stuck to my hand. The piece in my mouth is uncomfortable. If I'm not careful, it will get jammed upright in my mouth, and I will never be able to close my mouth again. If that happens, I will no longer have the ability to drink from a straw or whistle. Maybe I should spit out this big piece, and bite off a smaller chunk. No, that's the coward's way out. I'm no coward!

10:50 a.m.
OK. I'm on the last piece of the broken curved part. In a few short seconds, the candy cane will be completely dissolved! I'm so proud of myself!

10:53 a.m.
It's gone! All of it! Now what do I want to eat? Hmm…maybe another candy cane…

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