Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Is a Pirate

Not only is this highly interesting problem, but our letter-writer promised to send spicy Mexican chocolate if I answered her question. Heyo!

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I have a problem with my boyfriend: he's a pirate.

A cyber pirate, I guess the term is. And it's not even so much that, but the fact that he's transitioned from songs to software like Photoshop and Adobe Flash, which are $$$ in the real world.

I don't like pirating songs, but I can see why people would do it (and admittedly I've done it a few times when iTunes didn't have that obscure soundtrack that was stuck in my head.) However, this pirating of $700 software rubs me the wrong way. He justifies that it's "not wrong in the sense of murder or theft" and that it's not theft because "theft is when they lose something and do not have it because you took it", instead he just "made a copy". But they are losing something aren't they? They had to pay a lot of people to develop that software and want to make a profit, nothing wrong with that... right?

We've been together for 2.5+ years, negotiated and talked our way through other problems, and had a pretty good understanding of each other. I even went on a week's vacation with him and his family this past summer. He's sweet and understanding and patient, and this pirating is probably not going to break us up at the moment... but I don't know if I can or should tolerate something I think is morally wrong. And when I mention how I think it's wrong to pirate expensive software like that, he just brushes it off with a "lol nothing you can say will dissuade me from doing that stuff". I mean, I know that I have no real right to try to change the guy I agreed to make my boyfriend, but it still bothers me that he just brushes off something I think is serious with a "lol".

Am I being completely irrational? Should I continue just ignoring this flaw in a guy that is otherwise fairly decent? And how do I make this squicky guilt feeling go away?

Drop anchor and ready the plank, because Captain Auntie SparkNotes does not like the cut of your boyfriend's jib.

Uh, technologically speaking, I mean.

The main problem here isn't so much that your boyfriend is spending his free time doing his best impression of Blackbeard; it's that he's responding to your concerns by doing his best impression of a dumbass. “It's not as bad as murder”? That's his justification for continuing a definitely-not-legal activity?! Remind me to try out that line the next time I get pulled over for speeding. I'll let you know how it goes.

Whether or not pirating programs is a matter of absolute moral badness (which we'll get to in a second), it bothers you, and that means your boyfriend owes you a convo that consists of more than “lol I won't change.” That's one of those non-negotiable rules of relationshipping, and it applies whenever one person has a reasonable concern or complaint about something the other is doing. Does he have to change? No. Does he have to discuss? Oh yeah.

As for pirating software, here are the facts:
1. It's illegal (obviously).
2. Your boyfriend's chosen justification for why he's doing it is all kinds of ridiculous.
3. However: as illegal activities go, this one is really freakin' popular.

Because these programs are industry standards for design, animation, etc, the companies that sell them make most of their money selling to corporate clients—which drives the price into the stratosphere, which means that a lot of people resort to, er, other means of getting the programs. (According to some estimates, more than half of individual users of Photoshop are using a pirated version.) So while your boyfriend's activities are illegal, morally ambiguous, and probably the reason he's not a candidate for sainthood, the damage he's doing is mostly limited to a) his own karma, and b) your relationship.

So, how should you handle this? Recognize that whether or not this is a black-and-white issue of WRONG is beside the point: it bugs you, and your boyfriend should respect you enough to discuss it. Ask him to have a real conversation with you about it, one in which he intelligently explains his feelings about the ethics of pirating, preferably without lol-ing. (You might also want to remind him about all the open source versions [free downloadable software that has been developed by nerds for the benefit of all mankind] of popular programs.)

If you see things a bit differently after this convo, that's fine.

If not (or if he won't talk) then it's time to acknowledge that you and he have a major difference in your value systems. And while that doesn't necessarily mean “automatic breakup,” you'll have to take a hard look at the relationship -- not just because it's a big problem, but because it will probably crop up in other conflicts down the road.

Thoughts on cyber-pirating? Thoughts on regular pirating? Share 'em in the comments! Questions for Auntie? Email her at advice@sparknotes.com.