Auntie SparkNotes: They Like You! They Really, Really Like You!

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

I have a problem and it's pretty complicated, I find myself changing who I like more often than I would like. I recently just started High school and during Middle School I was considered weird but as summer passed I changed quite a bit. Now (not to sound full of myself) I have many boys who have crushes on me, and being that I had never been used to this before I start to like them. Plus the people I had liked before all of this started. So now I feel egregious because some boys that I don't have feelings for, I keep egging them on. And with ALL (I don't say that in a good way) the boys I do like, I feel horrible because some are not as "cool" as others, I tell people I don't like them but the truth is that I do.

I don't know if there is anything to be done about this but if there is could you please help the boys out there that I am hurting in the long run?

[Five minutes of confused blinking.]
Can I...so what you're saying is...can I help the boys...

Oh, sure, why not. You just go outside and play, dear, and Auntie SparkNotes will take care of all those poor, heartbroken boys you've left in your wake. I'll just invite them in for some cookies and Mario Kart. Okay? Hey, guys! Yes, you, the sad, crying gentlemen who look like lost puppies...yes, ALL of you. Who wants an Oreo?!

But while I'm busy playing Wii with the sad sacks you've left behind, think about this:

It doesn't have to be this way.

As you've discovered, becoming suddenly desirable is a total trip—and in high school, where raging hormones and pubertal onset can turn a gawky geek into a stunning stallion pretty much overnight, the results (as you've also discovered) can be tough to handle. The metamorphosis from “weird” to “wanted” has several distinct phases:

Surprise: You like me?
Acceptance: You like me!
Power trip: He likes me, and he likes me, and he likes me... THEY ALL LIKE ME.
Darth Vader: ALL OF YOU WILL BOW DOWN AND LIKE ME.

The key is to recognize what's going on, and stop it, before you turn into the evil leader of an army of love-addled drones. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the attention—it would be weird if you didn't—but there is something wrong with getting up the hopes of guys who don't have a chance, just because it feeds your ego. Of course, you know this already; you know how you're feeling bad about it?

That's 'cause you know it's not nice.

So, the responsibility lies with you. In order to wield your newfound hawtness wisely, implement and follow these rules of Ethical Crushing:

1. There's nothing wrong with flirting. So flirt as much as you want—flirt your face off! However...
2. Do not flirt with somebody who likes you, but whom you find undesirable. In these situations, it's your responsibility to scale back from “flirty” to “friendly.” No arm-touching, no leg-grabbing, no egregious hugging.
3. Practice the art of the let-down. If somebody pursues you, and you're not interested, your response is as follows: “I'm flattered, but I think we should just be friends.”

Following these rules will take some self-control at first, but it's entirely worth it. You'll feel better about yourself when you aren't collecting suitors like some people collect souvenir beer steins.

Oh, and one other thing: Stop it with the “not as cool” stuff. Consider this your karmic responsibility for prior broken hearts. As a desirable person, you have the power to say, “Yeah, that guy who made a series of hats for his Bunsen burner is cute—so what?” By acknowledging that even people who aren't A-list popular can be attractive, too, you'll be doing the world a favor. (Thanks in advance!)

Do you collect crushes? Are you Darth Vader? Confess your sins in the comments, and send your advice-seeking letters to Auntie at advice@sparknotes.com.