Skip over navigation

How Not to Cry

How Not to Cry

By Contributor

After recently stepping in a huge puddle and falling down in front of our crush, then being forced to sit in the same room as our crush for a really long time, we asked Sparkler synchrogirl to write a post about how to stop tears from flowing when crying would just add more embarrassment to puddle-induced injury. Here's what she came up with! —SparkNotes editors

Going through a breakup, getting a 3.2 percent on an algebra test, or falling into a puddle in front of your crush gives you this feeling. This...terrible feeling. Forget rivers, you're about to cry an entire ocean, but you are desperately trying to hold it in. Your eyes tear up, there's a lump in your throat, and you feel your troubles crushing your soul...but it would be so bogus to cry in front of Tiffany cause she would totally gossip and everyone would think you're a crybaby. So, what to do?  Here's some things to think about to turn that frown upside down:

1. Jokes

Duh! If you don't know any funny jokes, well, neither do I. I do have a few incredibly cheesy favorites, though, complete with fabulous fictional characters to tell them!

Inigo Montoya: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Fezzik: I don't know, what?
Inigo: No ideer! *must say with hillbilly accent

Fred: Knock knock.
George: Who's there?
Fred: Interrupting cow.
George: Interrupti-
Fred: MOOOO!

Peeta: What did Van Gogh say to his girlfriend when he gave her his severed ear?
Katniss: I don't know, Peeta, what?
Peeta: 'ere you go!

2. This picture

3. Edward Cullen trying to fly a jetpack...

...And running into a wall.  Silly Eddie, jetpacks are for wolves!

4. Whatever is making you sad dying a slow, painful death.

Say we go with the 3.2 percent algebra test example. As Arthur Dent so eloquently says, "I'll have you hung, drawn, and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until you've had enough. And then I will do it again! And when I've finished, I will take all the little bits and I will JUMP on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do..."

To top it all off, picture yourself 20 years from now as the smartest mathematician since Einstein, laughing at your own epic sophomore failure. Or picture yourself as a rich lazy guy with enough dough to hire people to do algebra for him....or hire a ninja to kill his 10th grade math teacher. Just sayin'.

5. This Doritos commercial

Best of the 2009 Superbowl commercials :)

6. Banana suit

If someone is yelling at you, sometimes it's really hard not to cry.  Or really easy, if you picture the yeller in this banana suit.

7. Google

Did you know that if you Google "What are," the first thing that comes up is "What are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad"?

The first three things that pop up for "I like" are "I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur," "I like turtles," and "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger." Sometimes technology can be a real upper!

Ever have a meltdown in front of people? Talk about it. Catharsis is good for the soul.

Related Post: Humiliation 101: How to Embarrass Yourself Like a Champion

Wanna write for SparkLife? Send  your nickname non-Christmas-related submission to contribute@sparknotes.com for consideration!

Topics: Life
Tags: sparkler posts, embarrassing things, crying

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!