Woo hoo, happy first day of Hanukkah! I am going to celebrate by…well, I’m not entirely sure just yet. Right now I’m blogging within arm's reach of a real live Christmas tree, which I have not because I am religious in any way but rather because it’s nice to have a big tree in the house. Maybe I could celebrate Hanukkah by lashing a menorah to the top? Or perhaps I could add dreidel ornaments to branches that are already sagging under the weight of non-denominational decorations such as plastic birds, plastic polar bears, mountain goats made of straw (I think it's straw?), birds made of fabric, and weird star-shaped thingies from Ikea? Anyone have any suggestions? While you're all ruminating on that, I'll tackle this week's batch of befuddling quagmires. Let's go!
I am a distinguished honors high school student, and am involved in not only marching band, but also the varsity tennis team, the student producer/director/stage manager for the musical, student council member, volunTEEN member, and newspaper layout editor. I'm not doing this to brag anything, but I have a very serious question. I manage to excel in all of these activities, and would like to know what the negative aspects of smoking pot are. I am a very curious person, so I tried it just to see what it was like and enjoyed it very much. It's not that I'm trying to be BA or anything, or think it's cool. I just had a great time. I also tried alcohol for the experience and did not enjoy it, proving I'm not just in it for social aspects. Anyway, I have plenty of friends who do not do drugs and are in fact against them but are accepting of others who do it in our school. I've done it a few times and have never had trouble with grades or performance in athletics. I am so incredibly paranoid about getting caught that I am overly cautious and don't need to worry about being caught. Even as I write this letter from an email address my parents don't know exist, I am planning on deleting it as soon as sent. Nor am I worried about the negative health aspects of it, because my philosophy in life is that the biggest regrets are things you don't do, and I would rather have a great time and die young than be a bored, goody two shoes in my 100s. This drug is not addictive. It won't kill me. I'm not worried about the illegal part either, because the purpose of laws are to protect us, and as shown above I don't believe I need "protection" from this act. You may say I am stupid for these views, but it's what I believe and my opinions displayed will not be altered. So my final question: what is wrong with doing pot?
I can see how don’t believe you need protection from pot—but the fact remains that buying it and smoking it is illegal, which makes your behavior dangerous. Of course, you are free to break the laws you don’t believe in, but you must also be aware of the consequences, which your local police force or Drug Enforcement Agency would probably be happy to explain to you. But illegality notwithstanding, there are a few other things that are wrong with doing pot: For one thing, although pot may not be addictive to some people, or even most people, it can certainly still be addictive. It is possible to develop both physical and/or psychological addictions to pot: Some people experience withdrawal symptoms, and others find that pot becomes one of the central motivating factors in their life. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but it's a possibility you need to be aware of. This article explains a little more. Another danger of pot is that it can lead to other drugs. Since some people may do pot and experience no ill side effects or addictive symptoms, they may feel it is OK to try a harder drug, something that can be vastly more detrimental to one’s health (LSD, for example, has been known to trigger schizophrenia) or one that is more immediately addictive. Furthermore, doing pot involves inhaling hot smoke into your lungs. And that just ain’t good for them! Finally, you said you're incredibly paranoid about being caught—and what's so good about being incredibly paranoid?
I don't think your views are stupid. They're shared by many people. And it's true that some people smoke pot occasionally, with no real detrimental effect on their lives. But in my opinion, the dangers and negative consequences of pot far outweigh the pleasures of it.
I think my mom might be suffering from depression. She had an awful childhood with a literally insane mother. She has told us that she wants to die every time she wakes up. In the past she's threatened to leave us. And she says it's because of my and my younger brothers' behavior. (I admit we are not nice to each other all the time. But the real truth is, my mom and dad have raised us VERY VERY WELL. We are more behaved than anyone I know, and we really love each other. We're just imperfect.) She says that she feels like a failure, since we are all she's done with her life, and she "hasn't raised us to be nice to each other." She works harder than anyone else I know to try to be happy and a good mother, and she provides us with everything and has made herself a wonderful person. But she feels like a failure. When she has a bad day, she'll tell us that we never behave. She thinks we are plotting to destroy her life (that's not a guess, she has said that), when we're just still in progress and imperfect. Yesterday, during a big scene, I asked her, "Do you think you could possibly have depression?" and she said, "YOU THINK??!" When I suggested medicine, she said, "I don't want to FEEL better. I want things to BE better." I think she is depressed is because of 1. her childhood, 2. she believes that we are worse behaved than we are and that therefore she's failed, and 3. she believes we are plotting against her. That's not very normal. About wanting things to BE better, she wants me to stop bossing my brothers around. My second problem: I am a control freak. When my brothers do something even slightly wrong, I feel the need to correct them. I am a perfectionist, too. I need to stop acting like a mother in order to not drive my mom literally insane, but I don't know how. So my questions: First, how do I help my mom? How can I tell if she depressed? If she is depressed, how can I help her see that medicine would help? Second, how do I stop being a control freak and perfectionist? I hope you can help me, or tell me where to start. I'm afraid to send this letter in case my parents find out and I get in trouble for not "coming to my parents with the problem." P.S. it won't feel like Christmas if my mom isn't happy. That's what makes Christmas Christmas! She's still not in the Christmas spirit because of us, and she usually is already Christmas-y by November 6th, her birthday!
You sound like a very thoughtful, insightful person, and I can tell how much you love your mother and want her to get better. While you should definitely do everything you can to be supportive of her, only a therapist, psychiatrist, or other health professional will be able to help her achieve real change. Only such a professional will be able to tell whether she is depressed, and what the proper course of treatment should be. That may involve medication, or it might not. What you can do is try to talk to your mom at some point when you are not in the middle of a “big scene.” It’s hard to have a serious discussion like this when emotions are running hot, so try to catch your mom at a less stressful moment. She may feel like you are criticizing her, but you have to do your best to explain that you love her and are really concerned about her. You could suggest that she speak with someone—a therapist, for example—to share her feelings with someone who is not directly involved in the situation. You also might want to talk to your siblings, father, or relatives first to see if they’ve ever talked about something like this with your mom, or whether they interpret her actions the same way you do. If you can, be very supportive of her in your conversations with others. You don’t want her to feel that she is being attacked, since you know she has irrational fears that people are plotting against her. If you need more resources on how to cope with your mom's sadness or possible depression, check out this site. I'm really glad you want to help her! As for your own control freak tendencies, practice letting things go a little bit. If your brother does something that you perceive as slightly wrong, try not saying anything about it and see how it makes you feel. If you feel that your need for perfection is taking over your life, it's a good idea to talk to a therapist. It sounds like you live in a pretty stressful environment, and your need to correct your brothers may be a result of that. It might be a big relief to talk to an outsider about what's going on at home, and how it's affecting you. As for getting your mom into the Christmas spirit, you shouldn’t try to force it, but don’t let her keep you from enjoying the holiday. Maybe she needs to see you decking the halls in order to get into the holiday mood herself. Good luck!
I started going out with a friend of mine about two months ago, but we had been good friends for almost a year before this. I was probably his closest friend and he told me pretty much anything and everything. One of the things which he told me before we started dating was that he lost his virginity to his girlfriend at the time, who is now his ex-girlfriend. He seemed to just need somebody to speak to about the situation because his girlfriend had spoken to a lot of her friends about it, but he hadn't really had anybody to discuss this with. It was probably a major development in his life, but he seemed happy when he told me. I was confused by this because he is a devout Christian, but I did not question him then because he seemed comfortable with his decision. Now, after we have started going out, his not being a virgin often troubles me. He has never pressured me to have sex with him or even brought up the subject, and that is not what bothers me, but more so that he has already been close enough with somebody to take such a big step. I never really expected that I would be dating somebody who is not a virgin at this stage in my life (I'm sixteen), and I feel almost intimidated by his relationship with his past girlfriend. I am filled with questions about what happened, how he was able to make such a big decision, and if he regrets it (considering his religious beliefs) etc. I don't know how to deal with these feelings because I often wonder if our relationship will never mean as much as his last one because of him already losing his virginity to his ex-girlfriend. I plan on staying a virgin, so my concern is not whether or not I should have sex with boyfriend, but what I would like to know is, should I talk to him about this? If I do speak to my boyfriend about this, how do I bring it up and what do I say? I'll appreciate any advice you can give me!
There’s only one way to feel better about this situation, and that is to talk to your boyfriend about it. Be as open and honest with him as you were in your email to me. It’s perfectly natural for you to have a lot of confusing feelings and questions, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with trying to sort them out. However, I’m not sure there is a particularly smooth or painless way to bring it up unless for some reason your boyfriend mentions it first. It’s one of those conversations where you need to gather up all your courage and just do it. There is a chance it will be awkward, at least initially, and it’s possible that your boyfriend won’t want to elaborate on the details too much. But if you are honest about your curiosity and explain that you aren’t judging him, hopefully you can have a productive conversation. A good icebreaker might be telling him that it’s something you have been thinking a lot about and want to discuss—you don’t have to say it’s been troubling you or that you are intimidated. Your first step is just to open a dialogue so that he feels comfortable. Remember that everyone has a different perception of virginity, and you should respect his view of the subject just as he should respect yours. But I'm glad you want to talk about it with him. Communication is a really important part of a successful relationship.
So about a month ago I got mono (this disease especially sucks because when you get back to school you never hear the end of it). Anyway, so I was out for about a month, I just recently went back, oy. I go to a private school and our homework level keeps me up to like 10 most nights. So now most every teacher thinks their class is the most important, do not understand that I have other classes, and don't get that I barely survive the normal homework. Anyway that's not so much the problem (well, it's the source of the problem), but I have been feeling really sad lately, I feel like nobody understands me and nobody cares, and on the weekends (the only time I have to do most of this make-up work), I come home and sleep till noon (yeah I know, bad). And then I wake up and I find it really hard to get motivated to do work, then the weekend passes and I just want to rip my hair out because it feels like I have made but a dent in the pile of homework to do. What's worse is grading day is in like 7 days and these grades get sent to the high school I want to go to, but I won't be able to have a lot of this work done by then, so my grades will be horrible and then I won't get accepted into my top choice school. What's more is I have to do a lot of make-up work over winter break, when I'm visiting relatives I haven't seen in forever! (I know school first, just freaked out about it.) I feel so horrible, like I've lost control of my life, please help me Chris, I have no idea what to do.
Bummer! Yes, I agree, mono sucks. Since you had it so recently, it might be possible that your tiredness and lack of motivation are lingering after-effects. You might not be quite as exhausted as you were when you were in the thick of your illness, but your body may still be trying to recover! Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel? Some doctors recommend taking it easy for a while even though you may test negative for the disease. And speaking of tests, when was the last time you had a mono test? Is it possible that you still have it? When you speak to your doctor about your tiredness, maybe you should ask to be re-tested, just to confirm. As for your workload, you might try to get a doctor’s note to help take some of the school pressure off—it’s important to stay on top of your work, but if there’s a physical illness preventing you from keeping up, your teachers need to be aware of it. Hopefully they’ll understand and give you more time to complete your assignments. It might also be a good idea for you and your parents to meet with administrators at the high school you'd like to attend and explain your situation. In the meantime, you just have to do the best you can on the assignments that affect your final grades. Hang in there!
So at my school our Homecoming dance is casual but in December we have a Winter Formal dance. I asked the guy I liked to go to the dance and he said yes. Winter Formal is girls ask guys so normally the girls pay for the tickets and dinner. When I asked him to the dance he was really excited to go and he made reservations at a nice but expensive restaurant and I'm not sure if he is going to pay for it or not, and I also don't know if he is going to the buy the tickets. So I just wanted to know how should I go about asking him if he is going to pay for everything without offending him? He told me he was going to make sure the dance was special for me, but does that mean I am going to have to break open my piggy bank?
Hey, that’s a pretty good line—“Am I going to have to break open my piggy bank?” Try the humorous approach first, because it just might work! You shouldn’t assume that he is going to pay, and I think the fairest thing to do is offer to split the costs and see what his reaction is. You could try something like this: “I feel sort of weird asking, but I just want to make sure we are on the same page: How are we going to pay for the Winter Formal tickets and the dinner? Do you want to split it?” He might agree to going Dutch, or he might say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s taken care of!” In which case, super. But if he says, “WHAT??!?! I thought you were going to pay for everything!?” then you might need to have a little talk with him, because he shouldn’t be making fancy restaurant reservations assuming you will foot the bill.
A little birdie told me that you are pretty much the greatest advice giver EVER! What's your secret? My friends bombard me with Q's all the time and sometimes I just can't come up with anything. What advice would you give an amateur advice giver? I’m talking Dr. Phil hopeful here, THANKS!
The greatest EVER? You are too kind, although I think there have been some pretty good advice givers over the years, including Ann Landers and the Magic Eight Ball. My secret is that I don’t pretend to have all the answers—I just work with the knowledge and experience I have, and give people the resources and encouragement they need to get help or tackle their problems on their own. Also, I try not to judge anyone or let my own personal opinions influence any of my responses. For example, I love cheese and pickle sandwiches, but if someone writes in about how absolutely disgusting cheese and pickle sandwiches are, I'm not going to tell him he's wrong (even though obviously he is). Rather I'm going to explain the many benefits of the cheese-pickle combo and encourage him to open him heart and mind to the sandwich's manifold enchanting aspects. As for your own advice-giving, think of yourself as someone who is there to encourage and support your friends instead of giving concrete answers. A lot of the times people just need to express their problems in order to figure out what to do about them, and in that way you are as much a sounding board as a solution provider.
Fold your question into a paper airplane and aim it at chris@sparknotes.com.
Related Post: Big City Living, Flirting Techniques, and How to Handle Divorcing Parents
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
Tags: parents, homework, depression, sex, Advice, dances, drugs, mono, winter formal
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