The Four Types of High School Assemblies

By Jon_Skindzier

December 8, 2009

School assemblies are like fortune cookies: At first, you have no idea which of life's great mysteries they'll answer, but then they just say something stupid, like "Life is nice." And much of the time, they make no sense at all.

Either way, they're an alternative to being in class, and whether or not this is a good thing depends on the type of assembly:

1. The Procedural Assembly
Sample Theme: "Quit parking in our spaces, you lousy kids!"
How It Goes Down: Typically very short, this assembly will begin with some administrative person breathing heavily into the microphone and repeatedly asking everyone to be quiet. After several minutes, he will give up and mutter inaudibly about his chosen topic. This can range from "Every time you pull a fire alarm as a prank, you personally burn down an orphanage," to "Uh-oh, there's asbestos all the heck over the place, so try not to breathe too often." Regardless of the topic, the speaker will obviously be at least part-robot, and everybody will fall asleep.

2. The Life-Affirming Assembly
Sample Theme: "Everything is wonderful, because of hugs!"
How It Goes Down: Assemblies dedicated to being super-positive come in many flavors. The most common is the motivational speaker, whose theoretical outlook generally comes down to "Self-esteem is good, and so is everything else!" Occasionally these assemblies will take a different format—like, say, embarrassing improvisational theater—but as long as you have 1.) some excitable person and 2.) groaning students, you are at a Life-Affirming Assembly.

3. The Don't Do Bad Things Assembly
Sample Theme: "I wound up in prison, and so could you maybe possibly!"
How It Goes Down: The second cousin to the Life-Affirming Assembly, the Don't Do Bad Things Assembly has the same goal but takes the opposite approach: To convince you that life is precious, someone must now convince you that it is also full of total, absolute disaster. So let this be a warning to everyone: Don't you dare download those M3P-Discs from the Intronet, because crime doesn't pay.

4. The Assembly That Has Magicians or Something
Sample Theme: "Poof! You are hypnotized."
How It Goes Down: This catch-all entertainment category includes all the random stuff that was evidently meant to be fun, or as fun as is possible without just permitting you to go home. From magic to lemurs, these assemblies can involve just about anything, and though there's a chance something might interest you, the really interesting part is speculating about the mysterious decision-making process that led to the assembly in the first place.