Chris Listens: Big City Living, Flirting Techniques, and How to Handle Divorcing Parents

Yo Sparklers. What’s sparklin’? Now that we have Thanksgiving behind us, we can finally relax for about three seconds before we start freaking out about the next series of holidays: Hanukkah starts pretty soon, then Christmas is coming in with Kwanzaa right on its heels, and finally New Years. This weekend, when you’re not busy purchasing and/or wrapping material goods for the people in your life, take a few minutes to treat yourself to something you want to do. Buy yourself a trashy magazine, take a walk with absolutely no destination in mind, or hit the cinema (check out Fantastic Mr. Fox if you haven’t already—it truly is fantastic). As for me, I’ll be nerding out at the Brooklyn Comics and Graphics Festival. Maybe I’ll see you there!

I have a problem with two of my friends from school. One of my best friends—I'll call him Joe—and I hang out all the time, and both of us are friends with another girl, I'll call her Sally. Sally is a completely perfect person at school, she's vice-president of drama club, an officer in the student council, and pretty popular. As I've gotten to know her, I've discovered she has a lot of self-esteem issues, and she has struggled with depression, cutting, bulimia, and attempts at suicide. At first I was the only one to know about Sally's self-destructive behavior, and eventually I got tired of being the only one to know, and told Joe. But instead of getting angry, Sally latched onto Joe as her support system. Every time she sees him she practically throws herself at him (I should mention, he's gay, and Sally's aware of this) and she calls him all the time when she is getting depressed (the other day she called him and gave him two options by which she was going to relieve her stress, cutting or drinking, and he had to deal with it alone). It’s odd, because she'll call me after incidents like this, I'll ask her how she is, and she'll say she's perfectly fine, and her voice will be peppy again. It’s like she's completely switched from me to Joe when she needs support. However, Joe is feeling completely overwhelmed with all this information, and we both suspect she is lying to us. She claims her dad abuses her, she's been sexually assaulted, she gotten drunk and lost in the woods, and she has a myriad of medical problems. I'm sure some of these may have truth behind them, but there are SO many stories she feeds the both of us, and many of them conflict. This girl's family, or at least her mom, is very supportive of her. She's gone through counseling and professional help many times, and none of it has helped. The problem that has just surfaced is that Sally has become threatening towards me when I hang out with Joe. It’s like she sees me as "competition," even though we're just friends and he's gay. Whenever we go anywhere she has to latch onto him and asks him to be her "pretend boyfriend" while I get pushed to the side, and when he and I talk she pops up in the middle of the conversation. When the three of us are together she glares at me, but latches onto me if it’s only me and her together. I don't mind her vying for attention, but I don't want her to get hurt when I know Joe feels like he's holding out his hand to her and she's pulling his arm. I don't know if she's lying to us, and neither one of us can handle her self-destructive threats. How can Joe and I deal with Sally?

You’re in a tight spot—obviously you want to be there for Sally if she needs support, but at the same time you don’t want to allow her problems to become yours, or to compromise your friendship with Joe. It’s hard to say for sure why she acts in vastly different ways with you, Joe, and you and Joe together. She may feel that Joe can provide a certain kind of attention that you can’t, even if that’s not the case. And while you are not "competition" in the sense that you could be Joe’s girlfriend, she may see you as friend competition—she might want the kind of close relationship you and Joe have. Her stories and threats might be real, or they might be part of her crying out for attention and/or help. Either way, you need to take them seriously. I’m sure a lot of her behavior is related to her medical issues—specifically depression—so you shouldn’t try too hard to “figure out” the answer. Instead, you should focus on supporting her and/or getting her the help she needs. Talk to her (one-on-one might be best) about what's going on in her life and see if she is receiving the support she needs from elsewhere. If she’s not, encourage her to do so, or even point her in the right direction. If she is depressed, bulimic, self-injurious, and/or has a history of abuse, she really really REALLY needs to talk to a mental health professional. Those are major issues and it may take years of treatment to work through her feelings and become more stable. So I think it would be appropriate if you recommended that she speak with a therapist or try counseling again. If you try to talk to her and it’s just not working, you could go to one of your parents or a teacher or school counselor to see if they can help. In the meantime this website has some good tips on helping a friend who is depressed. If you want to give Sally some resources, TeensHealth is a good site for her to visit. And if you feel like Sally is an immediate danger to herself or you, please let someone close to you know right away. Okay, so that takes care of Sally (sorta); now we just have to make sure your relationship with Joe survives. Be sure to keep the lines of communication open with him during this whole let's-support-Sally process. Touch base with him regularly and make sure to plan special hang-out sessions when Sally is not around. Do your best not to gossip about Sally behind her back. Sure, you can discuss her, but you don't need any more negative energy in the situation than there already is. Good luck!

From what I've gathered through sheer observational skill and not creeping, you live in New York City, but grew up in New Jersey. That means you moved to New York City. I was born and raised in Connecticut, and will likely be going to college in Massachusetts for four years. However, I've always wanted to live in NYC. Like, when people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I respond with, "Living in New York City." My family is dead set against me moving there, and they actively discourage me from moving there post-college. What advice do you have to someone who would be moving there on her own and would be most likely living alone? Like, how expensive is it really? Is it as scary as everyone makes it out to be?

It's true—I am a New Jersyan transplanted across the river to NYC (Brooklyn, actually), although I did take a detour through New England. What I usually tell non-New Yorkers is that it’s much easier to live here than to visit. Just spending a day or two in the Big Snapple can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t have a home base or place to go to escape from the perpetual noise and hustle. I find New York City less scary than many other cities I’ve visited or lived in because there are always a lot of people around. Also, despite their reputation, I’ve found most New Yorkers to be friendly, helpful, and sociable. But NYC is expensive—particularly when it comes to housing. If you want to live in a semi-nice neighborhood with no roommates, you’ll probably pay at least $1,000 a month for an apartment that’s merely decent. Apart from housing though, you can live pretty cheaply if you want. You won’t need a car and therefore you don’t have to worry about car payments, gas, or insurance. The subway and buses are pretty cheap and get you everywhere you need to go. One problem with New York is that there are a lot of opportunities to spend money, from amazing restaurants to hip clothing stores to boutiques that sell cool products you can’t get anywhere else. You are constantly being confronted with things that say, “Buy me!” But if you have some willpower, you’ll be okay. There are some annoying things about New York that have nothing to do with expense. Grocery shopping and doing laundry might be easy tasks in the suburbs, but they can be really frustrating in New York. Also, New York is fairly dirty compared to a lot of other cities. But in my opinion, the positives outweigh the negatives. If you need advice about moving here, the main thing is to find a place to live that fits comfortably within your budget, is located in a decent neighborhood, and is not too far from a subway. You mention that you want to live alone, but living with a roommate might help to defray living costs and make your family feel a little better about you moving to the big city. Best of all, a roommate will give you someone to share all those amazing only-in-New-York experiences with.

So I've been participating in this online fandom for almost a year now, and I met some really great people through it that I consider some of my closest friends. I know everyone says that having Internet friends isn't safe, but... we took proper measures, I won't bore you with all that, and I love them and consider them closer than most of my real life friends. There's this one guy I've always been really close with (along with three or four other people) and I think I might be developing feelings for him. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend and lives on the other side of the country—and I know his girlfriend, which makes it even worse. Our mutual friends have always teased us about dating each other, but it was always a joke. Maybe it's just the power of suggestion? But I've never been the social, let's-go-out-and-date-somebody type, so I can't imagine dating anyone. I'm extremely close with him, and I love him as a friend all the same, but I can't help thinking that “what if” we knew each other in real life...

I think it’s natural to wonder “what if” in a case like this, but as you probably realize, you shouldn’t get too wrapped up in your feelings for this guy. He lives on a distant coast and he is already spoken for, thus limiting your chances of anything beyond a solid friendship. That doesn't mean you have to give up hope completely, though. Who knows, someday you might cross paths in an airport lounge or at an event for enthusiasts of online fandom. For the moment I would just leave things be and see how your feelings develop—don’t ignore your attraction, but don’t focus on it either. You may find your affection subsiding in time, and if it intensifies, then you can figure out what to do, if anything. Thanks for writing and good luck!

So I'm a sophomore in HS, and I used to be very shy. Recently I got contacts, got my braces off, got some new clothes and, most importantly, a bunch of new friends. I'm really coming out of my shell, so to speak, and so a few weeks ago I finally got the courage to talk to this guy I really like. He's super nice and funny, and we have a lot in common. I talk to him every day now, and it's never awkward or weird—I just love to talk to him. And although I really don't know since I have no experience with guys, I think he may like me, too! Anyways, I'm hoping he will ask me out soon, but I don't know if he knows that I like him.  (I'm not too worried though, I only started talking to him pretty recently) I'm a little afraid to tell him outright, so what I'm trying to ask is: How the heck do I flirt with this guy? I need some subtle techniques... Any ideas?

Congratulations on coming out of your shell! That’s awesome. I’m psyched that things are going well for you and that you are striking up a friendship with this boy. I have a surefire technique that will get this boy's attention: ask him out. Well, not like out out, like on a date, but just ask him if he wants to do something that's more than talking. Might he want to attend a film and/or enjoy a caffeinated beverage and a tasty pastry at the local cafe? While you do not have to be explicit with your (potentially) romantic intentions, he'll probably get the picture, and hopefully there won't be that OMG-we-are-going-on-a-date-how-should-I-do-my-hair pressure. Regarding how to flirt with a guy, I get this question a lot, and I have a good answer: don't actively try to flirt, as any purposeful attempt to appear alluring or sexy can easily backfire, and things can turn awkward and unnatural and embarrassing in a hurry. Just act like your normal awesome self and try not to be self-conscious about whether you're sending him a certain kind of message. If you are already talking with this boy, you are off to a fantastic start, and I imagine that he’ll pick up your vibes without you even trying. In fact, I'd say that most guys find it more attractive if a girl acts like herself instead of in a manner that is supposed to create a desired effect. So just do your thing, take it slow, and enjoy the new you. I also want to give a shout-out to some Sparklers who offered advice on this very question in the comments section of my last column: props to zella435 and wannacracker!

My parents hate each other. I mean it. Not like "they complain about each other, they bicker, they fight about money." NO. These people HATE each other. They have been fighting, consistently, for almost as long as I can remember. They are finally divorcing. Or so, they said. They have been talking about divorce for the last three years (they have been married for eighteen), although they have both threatened to leave each other before this, many times. This last May however, my mom woke the entire house up at two a.m., screaming about how pathetic my father is. They often fight like this. About two months later, my mom took all of her belongings, and moved them into a room across the house. She locked herself in there. She comes out to fight with my dad, to ask him for money (the two events usually coincide), to pick my siblings up from school, and to clean. My parents used to co-own a cafe, but my mother left it, and is now unemployed. So because she cannot afford to move out, my mom lives like a hermit. I have watched her take a nose dive into depression. The worst part of this divorce, is that it is making me despise my parents. It's also made me lose all faith in the concept of marriage and everlasting love. I never want to get married. I hate how marriage butchers love. And I can't talk to my boyfriend about this because well... we've been together for over a year, and I'm in love! Now, my parents scream at each other all the time, they can hardly be civil around each other. They ALWAYS talk bad about each other to me and my younger siblings (they say really hurtful things about each other. I'm seventeen, so they don't bother filtering), they tell me all the problems about their marriage, even after I've asked them not to, and because my mom can't find a job, I don't know what they'll do! My dad earns a meager $50,000 or so a year, and they struggle so much with money as it is. How could they possibly afford to divorce? And as for custody battles? I'm out. I am SO close to my siblings. I hate to leave them. My two older siblings are leaving across the country this year, and the second I turn eighteen, I'm moving across town, on the college campus. I don't want to live with my crazy mom, or my depressed dad. I'm so terrified about moving out, but I know I have to. Living with just one parent isn't an option. But I know that when I move out, I'll become lonely and very depressed. It's a lose/lose situation. I feel so emotional just writing about it. Please give me some encouraging words, Chris. I'm freaking out, I feel like I'm on an island.

I’m really glad you wrote to me—what’s really important right now is that you share your feelings and not keep your anger/anxiousness/frustration inside. You should definitely continue this discussion with someone who’s close to you. Hopefully you can speak to one of your siblings or a relative about how this marital discord is affecting you. You might even want to talk to a school counselor or a therapist if you feel especially troubled or like this issue is taking over your life. I’m majorly bummed to hear about your parents’ unraveling relationship, especially because it puts you in a weird position where you feel like you have to choose sides or move out when neither option is terribly appealing. However, it sounds like your parents have a long history of turmoil and perhaps it might be best for them to go their separate ways. As for whether that will actually happen, it’s hard to say. Despite the obvious problems, some couples find it easier to stay married to than get divorced, which might seem even more painful than remaining in an unhappy marriage. You can read more about dealing with divorcing parents here. Perhaps the best you can do right now is take life day by day and try to keep an open mind about the future. I know it's hard, but you can do it. As tough as it is, try to be there for your parents if they need you. Listen to their complaints, but also make sure to tell them how it makes you feel. In fact, make sure they know how you feel about everything—and if you don’t think you can talk to them, write it in a letter. Hopefully you can share some of the emotions you've shared with me. Regarding your future, don’t assume you will be lonely and depressed—living away from home might be a good experience and you shouldn't assume you will feel one certain way. Keep talking about how you feel. Don’t think that you are obligated to solve all of these problems at once. They will work themselves out over time and you just have to hang on until things get better. Take care of yourself!

If you've got questions, I'm all ears. Hit me up at chris@sparknotes.com.

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