December Horoscopes

It's the last month of the year. Will it be a good time, a bad time, or pretty much the same as last month, but slightly colder? Read on to learn the truth…

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When typing, use your pinkies more. No one cares about your cousin or what s/he did last weekend. Stop talking about it. We're not kidding. Bring an extra hat with you when you go anyplace that begins with a vowel. That includes going "outside." A relationship will end over the phone, and the last words you say to this person will be, "Oh yeah? Well that's not what I heard." Learn as much as you can about triceratopses, as fast as you can. Stay away from tall people. You need a tissue, but we cannot tell you why you need it. It's embarrassing. Use straws. Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes and this will become the greatest month of your life. You will receive a new sweater.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your colors of the month are Bulgarian Rose and Safety Orange. In the parking lot of love, keep circling until you find the closest spot, and then honk your horn and scream to let others know that this spot is yours. This also applies to regular parking lots. Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes and this will become the greatest month of your life. Only eat food that comes in a bag. Adding a shoulder accessory will do wonders (shoulder pad, parrot, dolphin tattoo, etc.). Sleep on your stomach to reduce the chances of a spider dropping into your mouth. You will find something in the backseat of your car that will bring a tear to your eye. (Could be a tear of joy, or sadness, or pain, or terror.) You will receive a new pair of pants.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone who begins most of his/her sentences with a noun is hoping to kiss you on New Year's Eve. Be on the lookout. Always open presents from the right side, ripping the paper towards your left, and never the other way around. Never rip the paper upwards or downwards. Check your gloves before blindly sticking your hands in them. Call the fourth person in your cell phone's contact list, and when s/he answers, simply say, "I know everything," and then hang up. It might seem strange, but this will improve your life significantly. Ice cream in your coffee isn't the worst idea on the planet. The turtle is more than just a turtle. Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes and this will become the greatest month of your life. You will receive a gift card.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes and this will become the greatest month of your life. Keep out of the basement. There is something down there that you shouldn't see. But if you go in the basement by accident, tells us everything you see, because we're dying to know what's down there. A person you've never talked to thinks you cute, and sixty years from now, s/he will die regretting that s/he never asked you out. Eat the cake first, and the icing last. Eat the pepperoni last, and the rest of the pizza first. Prepare an ice pack for December 13. Be wary of people who mention Lady Gaga…that includes the author of this horoscope. If you stop reading this sentence at the comma, something wonderful will happen to you. You will receive a new scarf.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Check your email in exactly thirty-nine minutes, and not a minute sooner. Talking about the show Glee will only make matters worse. Over the holidays, listen for jingle bells, for they shall bring great strife. However, during the same period of time, honking horns will bring great joy and love. Keep your eyes closed on December 10th between 3 a.m. and 3:45 a.m. As you read this, you smell something that is both sweet and sour. Don't look pigs in the eye. Horses either. You will marry someone you see on December 14th. If you have bangs, cut them. If you don't have bangs, grow some. You will receive new, fun underpants.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes and this will become the greatest month of your life. Your best friend will spend less on the gift she bought you than you will spend on the gift you bought her. Prepare to be disappointed. Keep an eye on your feet, especially the left foot, and particularly the pinky toe. Love is in the air, but misery is also in the air, as is the flu virus. Breathe accordingly. Someone named Tyler, Anne, or Maynard will not play a significant role in your life. Ignore them. Kiss people on the cheek, forehead, hand, or belly. Never on the mouth. If a person tells you s/he is not ticklish, leave it at that. No further investigation or endurance tests are needed. You will receive a CD that you already have.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life. You will not drink any pink lemonade. The person you have a crush on is also planning on spending New Year's Eve alone. Make your move! If you're looking for the good scissors, they fell behind the sofa. The bad scissors, however, are always readily available. The Santa Claus at the mall has undiagnosed swine flu. Spread the word. You will need three-fourths of an inch more wrapping paper than you anticipated to wrap that box. Glittery greeting cards will cause nothing but sorrow and the tiny flakes of glitter will attack you and permanently stick to your fingers and cheek. You will receive something you can eat…but you'll never actually eat it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life. There's something in your salad that shouldn't be there, but don't panic. It will work out splendidly in the end. When stuck in traffic, stay in the right lane. Unless you think the left lane is moving faster. In which case, merge into the left lane. Your heart will be broken. Oh, don't cry. Sorry. We didn't mean to bum you out. Um…we were just kidding about having your heart broken. Honest. Everything in your love life will be terrific. Does that make you feel better? And…um…let's see. You'll also find treasure, and go to a tropical island, and win the lottery, and become a movie star! Your will receive a new sports car and your own private jet.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Remember that band we told you to form last month? Break that band up. They other members are dragging you down, and squashing your creative spirit. You will work better as a solo artist. Your pockets cannot be trusted. Don't even bother checking the mail today, because there's nothing for you. Someone in the school's holiday concert who has dark hair and does NOT wear glasses had a raunchy dream about you. Roll your sleeves up, because your forearms are about to do something amazing. Anything that tastes like peppermint is good luck. You will receive a dorky dress shirt. Oh…and send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
To avoid painful injury and possible death, jump in the air in exactly 89 hours and 23 minutes. Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life. The first person to wish you a happy new year, even if it's before New Year's Eve, is your soulmate. Don't open the door without knocking first. This applies to all doors, even elevator and revolving doors. You will find money, but the money will be cursed, and will smell like garbage. But you should probably still take it. In this tough economy, even cursed garbage money is vital. Eat one vegetable for every cookie that you eat, and you will be healthy for another year. You will receive something expensive that fits in your pocket.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You are not alone. There is someone behind you, and it's probably an enemy. Don't look around. Just be cool. We'll get you through this. OK, slowly grab the nearest canister of pepper spray. Slowly now. Don't panic. Don't make any sudden movements. Have you got the pepper spray? What do you mean, "There's no pepper spray handy"? Well, what about a sword? Wait, never mind. It wasn't an enemy. It was just that poster or picture in your room. Sorry about that. Anyway, December will be great for you. You will make some money, find new love, and pet something fluffy. Send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life. You will receive a check from a relative. You should seriously consider using this money to buy some desk swords, just in case.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
You will get so sick of holiday specials that you will actually turn off the TV and do homework. Your butt will look amazing this month. Use it to your advantage. Tie pillows to the top of your shoes, because sooner or later, you will drop something made of glass, and your shoe pillows may prevent it from breaking if you kick at just the right time. Try stirring your tea with a candy cane. Do not stir your tea with a regular cane. You will do more kissing this month than you ever have before. Prepare your lips accordingly. For the holidays, you will receive a book that looks boring but will end up changing your life forever. And, of course, send a cryptic email to a Leo in exactly thirty-eight minutes, and this will become the greatest month of your life.

Related post: November Horoscopes