Chris Listens: Medication, Confirmation, and the Pressure to Pursue Higher Education

Hey, where were all of you last Thursday? Didn't I invite everyone over to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving dinner? Didn't I explain how she recently purchased a football stadium so she now has room for over 80,000 guests? Well, in any case, you missed a lot of food, some of it edible, and you also missed me being thankful for a whole load of stuff. Specifically, I'm thankful for cold-ish weather, good headphones, nearby bird songs partially obscuring the noise of distant construction, talking dogs, friends who don't put any pressure on you (well, on me) to buy them expensive products during the holidays, thick books, skinny books, weird shadows cast by houseplants, good coffee, bad jokes on coffee mugs, traveling by train, drum solos, furniture made from cardboard, the Bauhaus, seedless grapes, movies on the big screen, the tiny plastic hippo guarding my computer, family, friendship, fun, winter hats that don't look stupid, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (yes, it's that good), and oh yeah, all you Sparklers! Hope your turkey day was a blast. Maybe we can spend it together in 2010.

I've been suffering from depression since I was in 8th grade, and as a result, I became addicted to self-injury. I got help and started seeing a counselor, and everything was hunky-dory until this year, my senior year. For some reason, my depression came roaring back over the summer, and I started cutting again. I went back to therapy, and I've been seeing my therapist for about 3 months (I'm actually celebrating my 3-month mark since the last time I cut on the 20th). The only problem is my therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist to get a prescription for anti-depressants and I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, I know it will really help me, because my depression is really bad, like suicidal thoughts bad. I hate feeling like this and I hate how I act when I have a depressive episode, and I know the medicine will help that. But on the other hand, I'm straight edge and I really hate the idea of taking any form of medicine. My mom makes me take sleeping pills at night so I get some rest, and even that freaks me out. I hate knowing that I'm not actually in control of myself and that some outside force (the pills) are controlling me. I also worry that since I became addicted to self-harm so easily, I may become addicted to the drugs. What do you think I should do?

Since I am a semi-professional bloggist and not a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor of any kind, I can't really recommend a course of action. But I can encourage you to express all of your concerns to the people who are helping you with your treatment right now. Don't be afraid to ask for some concrete answers. And if you do end up seeing a psychiatrist, you should be very clear about your feelings with him/her as well. Make sure to ask a lot of questions about side effects and the possibility of addiction and loss of control. Since you are the one with depression, you should have some say in the type of treatment you receive, so don't be afraid to voice your reservations if you have them. At the same time, medication may be the best treatment for you, and it may help you to gain better control of yourself. In the end, it's your choice as to what you put in your own body, but you have to speak with medical professionals and do research about your condition and treatment before making an informed decision. You can learn more about depression and the available treatments, including medication, here. I totally respect your desire to be straight edge and in total control of your body, but keep in mind that therapists and psychiatrists are there to help you. Congratulations on your three-month no-cutting anniversary—keep up the good work!

I am a 15-year-old girl. I'm feeling kinda alone right now because of religion. My mom is Catholic and my dad is Jewish. Apparently, when they got married, the priest said that they had to raise their kids Catholic, so they did. I've gone to Sunday school, and got Communion and everything, but now I'm in Confirmation class (the next sacrament) but I'm doubting my religion (a.k.a., I'm an athiest). I won't get into details about it, but let's just say that I haven't been praying before dinner with my mom and younger sister since I was 12. Now I just sit respectfully for a sec with my dad. My mom isn't a Jesus freak or anything, but she FORCES me to go to these awful Confirmation classes! I am an extremely busy student, and I just don't get it why she makes me go. She knows that the program at the local church absolutely sucks, but she makes me go anyway because "she had to." But she knows I'm an athiest. We get into big arguments about it. Also, a lot of my friends happen to be Catholic, and go to the same church and classes as me. I've never told them that I am an athiest, but I have had them try to "explain" God to me, and it usually ends in a sorta-awkward disagreement, because usually they can't answer my questions very well. I feel so alone because my parents force me to this class and my friends won't understand. I usually cry when I get home because none of this religion works for me! I've tried talking to my parents a lot. I've told them pretty much everything I told you, exactly how I feel, and yet they still make me go, even though they know how alone I feel. What should I do now?

Ok, your story is all too familiar to me, because it was during my Confirmation classes that I began to seriously question religion. Although I was on the verge of finishing the classes and going through with the ceremony, I told my parents that I didn’t believe any of the stuff I was being taught. Fortunately, they allowed me to abandon ship. I wish all parents could be this understanding about one's religious belief or non-belief. If attending these classes is making you uncomfortable and goes against what you believe in, I encourage you to continue to make your opinions known and explain that you are not ready to go through with Confirmation. You can tell your mom that the church expects you to make a lifelong commitment to Catholicism during the ceremony, and you are not prepared for that. I know you said you've already talked to your parents a lot about your beliefs, but you just have to keep at it and hopefully they will eventually respect your feelings. When you are having these conversations, you need to be firm, but also be careful not to dis other people's beliefs—religion is a sensitive topic! You may have some heated discussions with your parents, but the stress may be worth it since this issue is so important to you. Stay true to yourself, and good luck.

I'm a gay senior and am dating a guy a year younger than me. We're both fairly out, though not everyone knows. We've been dating for three months and I really like him but his mom is really intense. She is VERY controlling, and concerned about her image. His mom is constantly pushing him, in school, sports and in life. She rarely lets him go out, so we end up spending most of our time together at his house. His mom drinks a lot and makes outlandish statements and illogical requests. My boyfriend just takes it, and never argues back, because there's no winning with her, especially after she's been drinking. She acts rudely to me, and I'm not sure if she doesn't like me as a person, or me as my boyfriend's boyfriend, and what I kind of represent. So for a while, I've just been ignoring it, it's not direct insults or anything, but just how she judges me, and talks to my boyfriend. I'm a very outgoing and outspoken person, and I usually don't take stuff from people, but I feel it's better to just take it than start a conflict. My boyfriend told me how his mom asked him to tell me that I need to "tone it down." He just ignored her. Whenever she says something rude to me, he just ignores her. While, I don't expect his mom to like me, I do expect my boyfriend to stand up for me. But then I know he doesn't even stand up for himself, so how could he for me? I don't know what to do! His mom causes most of our relationship issues, and I'm at my breaking point. I know she isn't going to ever change unless she stops drinking, but something has to. I come over to his house expecting a relaxing time, and always leave frustrated. It's not like me to just sit and ignore it. What should I do?

I think the first step is to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about his mom’s drinking. She may be an alcoholic and need help, which is why she is behaving in such an irrational and mean-spirited way. Your boyfriend may be scared to confront this possibility, which is why he doesn’t stand up for himself, but I think you need to be frank with him about the situation. Tell him that you are worried about him and about your relationship. You need to get his perspective and learn a little more about his mom’s history before you can support him or help him figure out what to do. Instead of telling him what's wrong with the situation, focus on ways to make it better. If your boyfriend doesn’t know what to do about his mom's drinking, you can direct him to Al-Anon, which is a resource for people whose lives are affected by the drinking of others. This isn't going to be an easy conversation to have, especially if your friend is in denial about his mom's condition. You need to be careful and not immediately accuse his mother of being an alcoholic. You've only been around her for three months whereas he's been with her his whole life, so he might feel like you are overstepping your bounds. But if you are tactful and your boyfriend is willing to talk, I think you can make a plan for how to improve things. Your other option is to avoid going to your boyfriend’s house and ignore the problem altogether, but that’s not going to help anyone. This is your chance to help your boyfriend make a positive change in his—and maybe more importantly, his mom's—life.

So I am sure you have probably heard this question one thousand six hundred and three times but I'm just going to ask it anyway. So here goes: I am a senior in high school and I don't know what I want to do with my life yet, or even what college I want to go to (or even if I do). Growing up in Edmond, Oklahoma, the kids here are pretty much are all going to college. In fact, it's engraved in our brains: "You shall excel in high school and GO TO THE BEST COLLEGE! This is life and don't question why!" Okay, so maybe it’s not so dramatic but the pressure that goes along with that logic is immense. I feel like I am going to explode! Even when I am talking with my friends all they talk about is which colleges they want to go to and what their future jobs are. So of course when they ask me I feel completely stupid replying with, "Dude, I don't even know what I want for lunch..." (no joke). Let’s face it, I have in no way "excelled" in high school. I have a 3.3 GPA, have taken a couple of AP classes but I'm certainly not Harvard material (like my friends with their perfect 4.0's, etc.) It's not like I'm not interested in attending college at all, it’s just I don't really know what it is I am interested in studying or what kind of career I want in the future. I don't even feel like I could get in to a good college. So, of course that makes it hard when I'm researching potential colleges. And with application deadlines getting closer, I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Oh don't worry, I've only heard this question nine hundred and seventy three times. I'm happy to answer it a few hundred more times. I feel for you. In the last ten years or so, the pressure on high school students has increased exponentially. Everything they do has to in some way improve their chances for being accepted to a good college. In addition, students are expected to have a strong sense of direction and myriad goals, and every action is supposed to work toward achieving those goals. And I think that’s all kinda BS. While being motivated toward a specific end can be good for some people, it's certainly not the only way to live, nor is it particularly exciting. Where’s the fun of exploring? Where's the fun of trying new things out? Where’s the fun of not being stuck in a certain path leading to a certain career? I think it’s totally natural to feel the way you do, and you shouldn’t feel pressured into transforming into a robot of pure achievement. That being said, it sounds like you do want to go to college, so maybe you want to get on that. Start by making a list of the things you are interested in and/or the subjects you like. Some schools will cater to these interests. If they do, put them on your list. Also, think about whether you want to go to a small school or a big school, and whether you'd like to stay close to home or try living somewhere new. Once you figure out these things, you’ll probably still have a pretty long list of schools. Your next step will be to examine the academic requirements for each school and pick six that you have a good chance of getting into. Pick one or two “reach” schools and a couple “safety” schools, and voila, you’ll have a list of about ten schools worth applying to. You can probably get this done in a weekend if you put your mind to it. Then, start applying. Rest assured that many students don't know what they want to do when they go to college, or even when they graduate. That's why liberal arts colleges were invented.

Hey Chris! I realize you're probably flooded with these but I hope you have the time for my situation! Alright here's what's going on: there's a girl, and I liked her A TON. Like, a ton. She has become my best friend since I've started liking her. Well before, I had been so cautious not to bother her with my 'infatuation' or whatever, but homecoming was coming up and I decided to just grow a pair and ask her! She said yes! Awesome, we went, we had a greatttt time...we were dancing and talking and laughing and I know that I was being a total gentleman and everything (paid for her ticket, paid for her dinner, paid for our pictures, and anything else she wanted she got it), and we were just having a lot of fun...until this happened. We were chilling at a table, just her and I, and I had noticed she was texting her ex-boyfriend (a total jerk, left her for another girl, then cheated on that girl, and blah blah he's just trouble). Well I asked her, "So what's up with you two anyway?" She replied with, "Well, we both like each other and we're gonna get back together." Wow. I was so hurt, because basically everything she was doing that night made me think that our feelings for each other were mutual. Anyway, it's a month later and I've moved on...sorta. Like I know I'm not gonna be with her and I don't really want to be anymore! But I'm having serious trouble with those “leftover feelings,” ya know? Like whenever I see her, my feelings may not be as strong as they used to be but I still get that feeling inside like I really want to be with her if you know what I mean? And I just want to get over it really bad. She and I are still really close but I don’t know if she has any idea how badly she hurt me that night. What should I do to get over those feelings for her?

One thing you can do to help you deal with your feelings is to tell her how she hurt you. Right now there is an imbalance—you are hurt, but she has no idea how you feel, which makes your pain even worse. You might start to feel better if she at least knows about your feelings. It may not change the way she feels about you, or what happened on homecoming night, but you may feel a certain sense of relief. Otherwise I think you are already on the path to getting over her, it just takes some time. As I’ve recommended in the past, it can be helpful to focus on other things—school, sports, hobbies—to keep your mind off her. But if the two of you are really close, contact will be inevitable. I think the best strategy is to talk to her, but make it clear that you are not expecting her to do anything or make any kind of decision. You are just letting her know how you feel. If it's any consolation, I'm not sure you want to go out with a girl who thinks it's cool to text her ex while you are on a date. You can do better!

Concerned about your impending turkey intake? Maybe you overdid it with the mashed potatoes? Send your leftovers to chris@sparknotes.com.

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