Hi. I'm Ashley Spencer, a newly graduated working girl who also blogs for Sparklife. I will be writing about the patheticness of my life for your entertainment. Each Tuesday, you’ll get to see what it’s like to be out of college, all confused, and without direction. Some weeks, I'll probably complain. Other weeks, I'll give you advice. We'll get to be friends. This week, I'm going to catch you up with everything that’s happened since graduating in May through a format you’re probably familiar with: SparkNotes lit guides style.
Plot Overview
Soon after graduating from college, Ashley Spencer realizes that life post-college is neither exciting nor worth living. But because she is scared of pretty much everything that’s life-threatening, including sharks, sparklers (the 4th of July kind), fires, and big dogs, suicide is not an option. After moving in with her parents and her wanna-be rapper brother whose career achievements amount to graffiti artistry, Ashley realizes that without money or a job she will be stuck with these people. FOREVER.
After a summer of folding clothes at a clothing store, and trying to push jeans onto hot rich mommies and their mini-me daughters, Ashley finally gets a “big girl” job in the city, making not all that much more money then the first job she had as a sophomore in high school as a sandwich artist at Potbelly’s. And at least at Potbelly’s there were smoothies and Italian subs. She tries to save up as much money as possible to move out.
After contemplating running a Ponzi scheme to make quick money, Ashley decides that’s too difficult after looking it up on Wikipedia. Back at square one (her tiny bedroom in her parent’s house where the dogs like to take secret poops), Ashley decides that the only way she can make a living is writing. She thinks she is a pretty decent writer. After all, she was a comedy columnist for a student paper, where she tried to date a member of each news desk. She failed, but managed to make news meetings sufficiently awkward.
One day, as Ashley is eating the turkey sandwich her mother prepared for her and perusing Mediabistro’s job section, which she does every day while she’s supposed to be working on some Excel spreadsheet at her soul-sucking job, she’s thrilled to see a listing under SparkLife. However, after viewing the Sparklife website, she's somewhat displeased to discover the frequent use of the word “Sparkler” as a nickname for readers. She fears sparklers worse than she fears swine flu—and she once wore a mask to a huge block party after the H1N1 breakout, even though she thought it made her face look bigger. Despite this, she feels she'd be a talented contributor, able to write about a variety of topics—everything from horrible summer jobs and single sex high school to the importance of avoiding Fourth of July BBQs. She decides to apply, in hopes of overcoming her pyrocentric fears and moving to a somewhat decent apartment with someone who won’t stab her. She knows her destiny rests in some stranger’s hands in New York City, a place she thinks she might also fear after watching too many Law and Order SVUs. She gets the job and her first post gets taken down, but this is what Ashley expected. She is, after all, slightly insane, because she is always confused. Does she stay at her dead end job and write on the side? Does she say screw it and find something she really loves? Does she move out or hoard all her money and spend it on pea coats and cardigan sweaters at J Crew and huge dangly earrings at Forever 21? It’s hard being her.
After a few months, a cute girl in Ashley's writing class, who appears to be a decent human being, asks her to move in. Ashley likes her because she has a lot of books and wears the same cardigan sweater Ashley does almost every day. This partnership is meant to be, right?
When this opportunity to move out finally comes Ashley’s way, she has to decide if she’ll take it or stay with her parents, basically living in a world where she’s a version of her former high school self: her mom makes her lunches, her parents are worried when she fumbles with the key at the front door late at night, and she’s bored. All the time.
Will Ashley move out? Or will she decide she might actually like eating at home every night and watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her mom? Does that make her pathetic? If she doesn’t move out, will she actually change back to her seventeen-year-old self, complete with long leg hair, acne, and no self-esteem? If that happens, will she reunite with her high school boyfriend, because according to his Facebook profile she occasionally creeps, he looks like he’s doing well for himself? Stay tuned. These questions will be answered.
Character List
Gina Spencer
Ashley's mother. Gina's cooking is so delicious that Ashley immediately suspects her mom is purposely trying to bulk her up. Gina wants to be hotter and look younger than her daughter, and knows this is possible via spaghetti. All of Ashley's life, her mom has tried to act the same age, which means, yes, Gina Spencer wore bellbottoms when they were "in" for the second time in the 90's, that she buys Kelly Clarkson CDS, and that she thinks Josh Kelley is an underground indie talent she alone discovered. Though she tries to be hip, she doesn't have an email account or Facebook.
Edward Spencer
Ashley's father, whom she affectionately calls "special Ed" or “SpEd” throughout the diary (this could be the topic of a response paper). She also refers to her father as "artichoke," "totem pole," and "mister mister." From these nicknames, the reader can assume Ashley has had a rough childhood that has left her not only deranged, but also unusually creative.
Justin Spencer
Ashley's brother, who works at Pump It Up, a bouncy jungle gym that hosts kids' parties, where he mostly jumps and does flips on the large trampoline. Ashley sometimes wonders if he can get her a job there on the weekends, but doubts she is limber enough, or happy enough in the company of people below the age of 21, to thrive at Pump It Up. Justin has a tattoo of his nickname, "BOOF," across his back in giant letters—a major symbol in this novel.
Mini and Velvet
Ashley's dogs that are sisters. They are part Shitzoo and Yorkie, and don't do anything fun except leave mystery poops hidden throughout the house. These are a source of violence among the family, especially when one of the Spencers steps into poop piles by accident. Velvet is the all-black dog that nobody likes because she barks too much and doesn't let anyone snuggle her. Mini is the bisexual canine that would let anyone cuddle her, as long as they can stand the smell of wet dog.
Brian
Ashley's neighbor who does anything handy around the house, because all of the Spencers are carpentry and electricity impaired. Brian also makes sure the pool works. This past summer, Ashley wanted her mother to hire him to work the new Tiki Bar her mom purchased for the backyard. It was completely necessary.
Analysis of Major Characters
All of the characters in Ashley's diary are completely one-dimensional and have about the same amount of personality as an anteater. Because of this, we have can assure you that there is no deeper analysis necessary, although it should be noted that most of the characters (including the dogs) are severe Diet Coke addicts and have several debt collectors after them.
Themes, Motifs & Symbols
Dog Poop
A source of tension literally pushed from the buttocks of the two dogs all over the house, but mostly on Ashley's carpet in her bedroom. Her favorite shoes have poop on them, and she often vaguely smells of dog crap. The poop symbolizes the stain the family leaves in their nice house because none of them can properly pick up.
Diet Coke
A symbol of hope, as most of the characters rely on this drink to get through the day. This drink, often referred to DC, is said to be best from the McDonald's fountain via drive-thru.
By: Ashley Spencer
Topics: Life
Tags: confusion, the diary of ashley spencer
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