How to Survive Thanksgiving Awkwardness

We can't wait to see Nana Beth, Grandma Lannom, Grandpa Brown, and Auntie Amy. But Dance4life51 is decidedly less excited about hanging out with her fam. In fact, she's in a teeth-gnashing rage about Thanksgiving. Um...enjoy? —SparkNotes Editors

The holiday weekend brings with it a whole host of relatives and family friends, and a seemingly endless series of painfully awkward encounters. You're not crazy about half of these people, and you don't remember ever meeting the other half. The whole experience can be horribly unpleasant—but you can do something about it. Here are some quick tips on how to shake things up and save your sanity this Thanksgiving:

The best defense is a good offense. When you first meet a horrible relative, stick your finger into your mouth and pull out that leftover donut chunk from the car ride. If you haven't eaten recently, sticking a digit up your nose works just as well. Lick your finger clean and repeat as needed or desired with other fingers before offering to shake hands. Uncle Annoying should leave you well alone after that.

“My, how you've grown!” is a fairly typical conversation starter. Pretty much every adult will say it to you, even if your last growth spurt was four years ago. There are two good ways to respond: either widen your eyes and, in a tone identical to theirs, exclaim, “My how you've shrunk!” Or say, “My how you've grown!”, then pat your stomach meaningfully. Watch in delight as they grow extremely uncomfortable, mumble an excuse, and walk away.

Bring up dentistry. You will also likely be forced to field questions about your future. If you're in the 10th grade or younger, this query will take the form of  “So, what do you plan to be when you grow up?” If you're in the 11th or 12th grade, it'll be “What colleges are you applying to?” The best way to answer this one is by saying that you are thinking of becoming a dentist. Random, I know, but it works. No one ever has anything to say about dentistry. You can expect Aunt Gwen to nervously nod her head and pick her teeth a bit. You can raise the stakes by pointing to her teeth and asking, "Is that a piece of lettuce. or are you getting a cavity?" This should send her running quickly to the bathroom. (Note: This plan will completely backfire if the relative is a dentist.)

Blame the dog. At the Thanksgiving dinner table, you will inevitably be seated next to a perky relative who Just. Won't. Shut. Up. Uncle Ted will probably make some lame comment about how annoying _____ (fill in blank with whichever pet is begging for food under the table) is acting. Take this opportunity to suggest that it may be because Ted is eating out of said pet's bowl. This tactic works especially well on prissy animal haters.

Reach and dip. Of course, there's nothing that quiets down a pesky Thanksgiving relative quicker than a good ol' borderhouse reach. As the plates of food circulate around the table, don't patiently wait for Cousin Althea to pass the gravy. Reach your hand right past her, placing your arm uncomfortably close to her nose. On the way back, “accidentally” dip your elbow into her mashed potatoes, leaving a perfectly shaped, knit-patterned crater in the middle of her mound.

Are you psyched about seeing your family on Thursday? Or are you preparing evil ways to torment them?

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