Dagger University: Where Are the Boys?

Dear Dagger,

What's with the boys? I went to an arts high school so the ratio of boys to girls was 1 to 8 (really the school did a poll). So I have no boy experience. Anyhow everyone goes on about how in university boys are amazing, articulate, outgoing, charming, intelligent etc.etc. blah blah blah. All I've met is Mr. I'd-like-to-get-you-drunk- what's -your -name -again?, Mr. Girls-still-scare-me and the occasional, uncomfortably friendly TA that invites you to email, call him or drop by his office every time he sees you because he really cares. Of course uni is great with the new friends and opportunities and such but ... is it all a farce? Are all college boys out of bad MTV reality show? I've been at uni for 3 month and it's kinda a let down.

Thanks,
Boys M.I.A.

Dear M.I.A.,
In the immortal words of the Jonas Brothers, “COLLEGE BOYZ IS TROUBLE.”

Okay, maybe the Jonas Brothers didn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure Benjamin Franklin did. He also invented the light bulb (maybe—but I might be confusing him with Muhammad Ali). All these misplaced historical references have a point, and the point is this: quit your despairing, woman. The “amazing, articulate, outgoing, charming, intelligent” college boy is not a myth. He exists, and he’s just as superb as you imagined. The thing is, you’re not necessarily going to meet him in your first three months at university, and even if you do, you may not recognize him right off the bat. It’s a lot easier to identify the alcohol-soaked frat boys and the slightly creepy TAs than it is to spot Prince Charming, and it’s easier still to become disheartened by the seemingly endless line of illiterate Real World cast-offs that drunkenly approach you at parties and slur bad pick-up lines in your direction.

But take heart, my dear, and take your mind off the gents for a while. It’s usually when you least expect it that you meet a great guy—and it might turn out that he’s been hangin’ out in your hall the whole time, and that you were so distracted by your attempts to find him that you missed him altogether. Instead of worrying about finding Mr. Right, focus on having fun, meeting new people, startin’ legal bonfires, and eating as many cafeteria hamburgers as possible (my record is 28 in one sitting). The first few months of college—and the next few years, really—are about figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. If you spend too much time trying to track down a man, you’ll miss out on all those epic late-night banter sessions, hallway water balloon fights, and screenings of Mighty Ducks 3 (clearly the best of the series, and anyone who says different is a fool and I will fight them to the death on the playground at noon).

I'm not suggesting you stop thinking about boys. Au contraire, Pierre. Because guess what? The time you spend making new friends and being your own personal Boss of Awesome will give you confidence and charisma, which will help you attract suitors by the tens of dozens, and I guarantee you that at least one of them will be able to spell a three-syllable word.

One more point before I leave you to slay the opposite sex with your stunner skillz: The best romantic relationships often start as friendships, so don’t overlook that dweeb lounging on your beanbag chair right now, because there’s at least a 5.6 percent chance that he is your SOULMATE. Now go chuck some water balloons, darlin’. Throw enough, and you’ll eventually hit the guy of your dreams. Or you’ll catch an RA on the chin and get expelled. Happy hunting!

What do you think of/fantasize about college love?

Related Post: Get Your Nose to That Grindstone, Cowboy

Got a college-related question for the recently-graduated Chelsea Dagger? Ask her at advice@sparknotes.com!