Yes, Sparklers, today is the day you have all been waiting for. After countless countdowns, plot-spoiling blog posts, and rumors about on-set love affairs, the cinematic event of the 21st century is finally upon us: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans comes out today!!!! I’ve been camping in this line outside the movie theater for 12 days now, and I can’t wait to slide my aching body into a velvet seat and let my sore eyeballs be caressed by the handsome visage of Nicolas Cage, that dreamboat hunkadoodle who plays an unhinged, drug-addled cop struggling to stay sane while investigating a murder in the Big Easy. I heard he looks super cute in all the scenes! Especially the one where he's hallucinating about the iguanas! Anyway, it looks like they're starting to let people into the theater, so I have to fold up my lawn chair and gather my socks and move on out. And since I was chilling outside a theater for almost two weeks, I had the chance to tackle a few more Chris Listens questions. Thanks for all your great submissions! Now bring me some Nic Cage!
So I have a pretty uncommon self-image problem. I'm a 15-year-old girl, and since a few weeks ago, my hair has been turning white. It's not as serious as, say, Anderson Cooper, but multiple strands of white hair are visible. I notice more and more white strands everyday. I'm getting tired of people pointing it out, not to mention the constant jokes I hear about it from my friends. I'm pretty sure it's from stress (my parents recently got a divorce, my grades are slipping), but I'm a little worried it might be serious. I'm against dying my hair, not to mention I like my natural not-white hair color and I don't want to lose it. I know this isn't normal but is it a serious problem? And is there any way I can cope with this?
Actually, there is little scientific evidence that white/gray hair is a byproduct of stress. Although we don't know exactly what causes people to go gray at a certain time, we do know that it's a hereditary trait, so unfortunately you don’t have much control over it. It’s not unusual to have a few white hairs when you are in your teens, and I knew a couple people in high school who were working a slight salt-n-pepper look early on. It’s likely nothing to worry about as long as most of your hair is still its normal color. In rare cases, going gray prematurely may be an indication of a larger problem, such as alopecia, but in that case all of your hair would fall out. If you have a significant amount of white hair or you are just very concerned about your stray white strands, you should consult with your doctor. As for what to do about those rogue white hairs, there are three main options—you can pluck 'em, dye 'em, or live with 'em.
So I like a guy who's shorter than me... By shorter than me I mean at least a head shorter than me ... And he's a REALLY nice guy... He's a totally different person than all of the other guys... He’s so quiet and reserved and funny and he talks to everyone in such a polite and decent way... This decency is the only thing that has me crazy for him. But the thing is I'm pretty sure of the fact that he likes me... He keeps looking at me the whole day in such a dreamy sort of way... But I know that's since he's so much shorter than me... He'd never come straight up to me and admit it... This game has been going on for like 2 years now... And honestly I'm freaking out... Also since I know he liked me I asked a mutual friend to go and talk to him about me... Guess what… He refused to say he didn’t like me that way... That made me so mad because I know he likes me he's so courteous to me and always gets me out if sticky situations... But after he refused I tried hard to take my mind off him but I couldn't because I keep seeing him everyday and he smiles at me and I just can't stop being attracted to him no matter what I do... I know I sound pathetic right now... But this is driving me crazy.... Especially since I live in India and school's going to end in like a month... And I love him and don't want to lose him... But I'm too proud to go up to him a second time and ask him... Because if he says no it will honestly break my heart... So I don't go up to him... Thinking it’s better never to know than be rejected... Please I need help... What should I do??? Also he has a record of being UNATTAINABLE... He has never had a gf...
I’ve received a few questions from ladies who are concerned about the shortness of their crushes, implying that this would somehow be a problem in the relationship. So let me clear this up once and for all: It doesn’t matter how tall or short (or skinny or overweight) anyone is. All that matters is that you like the person as he/she is, and that person likes you as you are. So now that we have that issue taken care of, on to the rest of your question. I think you should act on your feelings for this guy and tell him how you feel. The fact is you are not going to “lose” him because, at the present moment, you don’t “have” him. There is nothing to lose, and in fact you only have something to gain. Also, what if while you are waiting for him and hemming and hawing, another girl comes along and grabs his attention? You’ll have lost your chance! So let him know that you care for him. If he's a decent guy who doesn't happen to want a relationship, I'm sure he'll let you down easy. Personally, I would rather be rejected by a crush and move on with my life instead of existing indefinitely in this realm of uncertainty. And just because he hasn’t had a GF doesn’t mean he’s unattainable—maybe no one's tried to attain him. Give it a shot!
Hey Chris! So I have a problem with school. I'm a pretty smart kid, but I am so, so lazy and such a procrastinator. Like it's insane. I'm a junior, and I'm taking as many AP classes as I can. In my English class, we write papers every week that are due Fridays, and each week I wait until the last minute to do it. Like I start writing the paper around ten on Thursday night, and I get distracted by MySpace and Facebook and email and texting and I end up being awake until two and three in the morning. It stresses me out, and then I'm screwed up the next day because I'm so tired. Sometimes I will even just lie on my bed and freak out about all the homework I have when I could actually be doing it. It sucks, and I want to fix it, but I don't know how. My parents have even gotten involved and I have "study hall" between seven and ten. They get rid of all distractions such as cell phone and iPod and stuff so I can focus. It still doesn't really work out though, especially if I'm using the computer because it still has Internet which has MySpace and Facebook and even the Spark quizzes! But yeah, and recently my grades have really started to suffer. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get scholarships from the university of my choice, which is the only way I will be able to go. Getting into college is my main priority right now. And another distraction I have is a girlfriend. She and I are constantly talking, whether by texting or calling or whatever, it's cool. But when I tell her I have "study hall" or that I have to finish homework, she gets mad and then I get in trouble. I'm only in high school, and grades need to be my number one priority, not my girlfriend, although I would prefer it to be the other way around. But what should I do or tell her so she will be less upset? And what tips do you have for me to get over my laziness and procrastination?
Hey there! I’m glad you are trying to address your problem and take leave of procrastination station. Wanting to change your bad habits is an important first step, and probably the hardest of all, so good job on that. There are a couple of ways you can focus. One is to create a rewards system for yourself. Instead of checking MySpace and Facebook while you are working, make checking them the reward for accomplishing something. Work for 30 minutes straight, then spend five minutes checking your news feed for extremely urgent updates, then get back to working. Obviously five minutes can turn into an hour pretty quickly, so you'll need to exercise some self-discipline. Or set an egg timer to ring after five minutes and send you back to Study Land. Here's another idea: If you are easily distracted by the internet, try working on a computer that doesn’t have it. Unplug your Ethernet cable or turn off the Wi Fi. You could even get one of those cheapo netbook computers that has some decent word processing software, then uninstall the internet browser, or simply don’t connect it to the web. You need to train yourself to concentrate, and it may be easier to do so if you are physically barred from your distractions. Regarding your girlfriend, you need to let her know that grades come first, and that it's not something she can argue with or get mad about. Doesn’t she have studying to do? And do you really want a girlfriend who gets you "in trouble" because you want to do well in school? Shouldn’t she be happy that you want to excel? I think you should lay down some rules about how often and how long you can talk when there’s work to be done. We already took care of the computer issue, but you can also turn your phone off if she keeps texting you I MISS U SOOO MUCH EVEN THO WE TALKED 5 MINS AGO. If you need more motivation to overcome your slothful inclinations, think about the end goal in addition to the assignment at hand. You’re not just writing a paper—you’re improving your grades in that particular subject, which will look good on your transcript and help you get into a better college. Plus, you’re like learning and stuff. And learning is cool.
Last year, in the summer before freshman year, I met this guy who went to the same church as me. I joined the youth band there and he played electric guitar in it (I know what you're thinking, a church band with electric guitar? I know, it's awesome :D). I kinda knew this guy before, but only because I knew he was the brother of this guy that was in my class in grade 7/8. So we started to become friends, and once I got into high school, I realized he went to the same one as me (obviously, I now realize, since his brother was in my school), but he was a senior. After about 3 or 4 months, I started to fall for him. We had a lot of stuff in common. We are both musically oriented people. We ended up being in the same extracurricular activities (band, choir...in fact, I was one of the first people he told when he decided to join choir, shyly). He was, suffice to say, my first serious crush. And sometimes, I used to think that he liked me back (example: he asked me to audition with him for the school talent show). But as time went on, I guess I started to become more obvious, and then my friend backstabbed me and told him that I liked him. Long story short, he told me we needed "space," and we didn't talk for two months. After those two months, I tried to talk to him and clear it up. I thought time would fix it. But to this day, we do not talk to each other. I see him every week at church, and we have the same group of friends, so we're around each other a lot. Even though I believe I don't like him anymore, there is still the little feeling in the back of my heart that lingers, and I want to make up with him and become friends again, since we were really good friends before all this drama happened. But I feel it might be too late to fix things, since we haven't talked for months (I have tried, but he ignores my attempts). Plus, when I think about what happened, it still hurts. I have been thinking of sending him an inbox message through Facebook, telling him how I feel, and what he thinks of me now, and if we could still be friends. He never truthfully told me how he felt. And if he didn't want to be friends, then at least I have the closure and knowing that there is no point in trying anymore. But I feel it might've been too long to try and fix this, and I don't want gossip going around my group of friends about it. Should I try and fix things, or just brush him right out of my life?
I would try to fix things, as I suspect that this guy doesn’t really know how you feel about him. It's likely that part of his negative reaction was a response to finding out about your crush through your friend, which is not exactly natural the most natural way to start a relationship. I don’t think you need to elaborate on your love for him right off the bat, as that might scare him away, but you should at least let him know that you miss his friendship and want to start over. I think a well-crafted Facebook message would be appropriate, although a handwritten note tucked into a mix CD might mean even more to him. If he rejects your offer for friendship this time, then it’s appropriate to move on with your life. But until you make one last attempt at salvaging things, you may have that lingering feeling that things went sour for no good reason. Go for it!
Okay, so when I was around 9 or 10 I found out something waaaaay beyond my maturity level. I needed colored pencils for some school project so I went to look in my sister's room. She was around 19 or 20 at the time, and was in a relationship with a guy who the whole family loved; he was nice, sweet, and polite. Well, I found the colored pencils, and my sister's diary/journal too. Stupidly, I read it and now I really wish I hadn't. There was a lot of stuff about drugs and her having sex with a whole bunch of different guys. Keep in mind, I was 10 at the time and deeply crushed that my big sis was doing all these things. The worst part is she revealed she had an abortion. My whole family is devoutly Catholic and believes a life is a life no matter how small. I thought my sister did, too. She's now 25 and we're very close. I consider her one of my best friends. I have never mentioned that I know her secret. I've considered telling my parents, but I just know it will crush them and tear our family apart. Also, I'm sure if I told, I wouldn't be as close with my sister as I am now. I feel alone, being the only one in our family who knows her secret. Please tell me what I should do, if I should do anything at all. I don't want to tear our family apart, but I also want my sister to get help if she's having bad feelings after her abortion. Also, I believe abortion is a sin, and I want my sister to be in good grace with God. I appreciate the help!
I would NOT tell your parents, as it is not your news to share, and I think telling them without talking to your sister first would really hurt your relationship with her. While you could probably talk to your sister about it, you would need to be very sensitive about how you approach the situation. For one thing, there’s a pretty good chance that she will get upset about you snooping in her diary, and she may not want to relive the traumatic events of five years ago. While she might have bad feelings that are related to the abortion, there is also a chance that she has come to terms with her decision. Don't automatically assume she feels bad about it—it may have been the right decision for her at the time. If the secret is eating you up inside and you feel that your relationship with your sister will never be the same, I would tell her the whole story about how you found out, and make sure she knows how deeply affected you were/are by this revelation. However, I would be especially careful about bringing religion into it, as your sister may not have the same beliefs that you do. You may want to talk to her as a concerned sister first and not jump immediately into the spiritual ramifications of abortion. And if you're not sure whether you can talk to you sister, but you know you need to talk to someone, perhaps you could discuss this with someone that you trust. This could be a school counselor or even your pastor. If you do decide to talk to someone else about it, make absolutely sure that person will keep your confidence and won't expose your sister's secret to your parents or others. I'm glad you care so much for your sister and want to talk about how you are feeling. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We'd been together for five years, since I was eighteen. He cheated on me and then told me about it in order to break up with me, but hastened to add that he had been thinking about breaking up with me for close to a year (cheers) and felt that we had serious issues (apparently beyond the fact that he couldn't keep it in his pants until after he'd got rid of me). None of this had ever been discussed with me, so obviously the whole thing came as a complete shock since I thought things were going well. It is, as I'm sure you know, incredibly difficult to be in this situation: one minute you feel like you're closer to this person than anyone in the world, and the next you're not even really speaking to them. After five years, I don't really know how to not be with him anymore. And, of course, after five years, you can't just flip the switch off and say, "Okay, well, I don't love you anymore," so I'm dealing with the fact that I still have feelings for someone who did something pretty awful to me. Not to mention, I feel very foolish to have thought things were fine while he was contemplating our impending breakup and messing around. Although I'm not ready for it now, I know that at some point I will start dating again. Probably. And I'm having a hard time imagining being in a relationship with someone and not being an absolute wreck. This guy was my first even remotely serious relationship, and the only person with whom I've ever had sex. He cheated on me with someone considerably less attractive, intelligent and caring than I am (and I say this as someone whose self-esteem is not, at the moment, great—so I feel confident that it's true). Am I ever going to feel secure in a romantic relationship again? Are there really men out there who won't cheat on me? Am I going to ruin relationships (or potential relationships) with perfectly nice guys by being paranoid and distrustful? Should I just stamp "damaged goods" on my forehead and resign myself to life as a spinster? If not, how long does one wait to try again? If you have any advice about moving on after a damaging experience, I would love to hear it, because right now the idea of opening my heart to someone new and putting myself in this same vulnerable position is positively terrifying.
I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like breaking up was for the best, though, as you don’t really want to go out with a guy who cheats on you and who wants to break up with you but doesn’t have the guts to tell you. Rest assured that what you are experiencing now—the self-doubt, mistrust of all guys, “damaged goods” feeling, etc.—is completely natural. You just went through a very traumatic episode and things are going to be rough for a little while. I think it makes sense to be terrified right now—your heart is wounded and you feel a natural urge to protect it, so the healthiest thing to do is keep it to yourself for the time being. You will start dating again someday, and you will find a great guy who won’t cheat on you. But you are right that it’s going to take time. Unfortunately, there is no answer for how long one should wait—you might feel ready in a month, or it might take a year. You'll know when the time is right. And don't worry, you’re not going to ruin future romances. If anything, you’ll be better equipped to deal with a serious relationship after having survived this breakup. Take care of yourself!
I am a 22-year-old student at a small religious university, and about to graduate. I am taking a very interesting class right now about men and masculinity. Recently in the class we discussed body art and tattoos and men's view on them. I have several small hidden tattoos and one 4-inch tattoo on my forearm that I decided to get after a life-changing trip I took to Rome. I love the way it looks. However, I am quite concerned because in my class discussion several men in the class (including the professor) were saying how the majority of men believe that tattoos and body art are unattractive on women, that women who get them must be stupid and promiscuous, and the only men those women will attract are trashy, uneducated, low class, unmotivated losers with nothing going for themselves or those looking for a one night stand. My professor also made the point of saying that women with tattoos will have the hardest time getting jobs and succeeding in their field because no one will take them seriously. I really hope this isn't the case. While I never regret any decisions I make and love the piece of artwork on my arm, I worry that the things they say are true. Aren't social stigmas surrounding tattoos and body art disappearing? Do educated men really feel this way? Am I doomed to live a life fighting off advances from low-life scum and working a career in which I will have no chance of success all because of a piece of body art that means the world to me? Your insight would be soooo helpful right now!
I completely disagree with the men in your class. First of all, how do they know how the majority of men feel about tattoos on women? Have they conducted an extensive tattoos-on-women survey? While I can’t speak for all men, most of the ones I know do not categorically dismiss tattooed women as unattractive, and no one feels that the women who get them possess any of the negative qualities you mentioned. I think those assumptions are based on an old-school and rather outdated value system. These days, tattoos are much more socially acceptable, and I would hope that most people don’t judge others by their body art. As for getting a job with tattoos, I think it depends on what kind of job you are going for, what kind of tattoos you have, and how visible they are. If you want to be a TV newscaster and you have a tattoo of a flaming skull on your neck, you might have a few problems. For most jobs, it should be a non-issue. I happen to think that tattoos, when meaningful and well done, are pretty dang cool. Be proud of yours and don't let other people make you feel bad about them!
This seems kind of frivolous compared to the emails you've been posting lately, but who knows. I have a friend, he's a good person, but I feel like he's too dependable on me. It's hard to explain, he asks me for a lot of advice and I don't mind giving it to him but sometimes it's just advice I can't give. Let's face it, I'm a senior high school girl, I don't have the answers to life. I tried to get this across to him a few times and suggest adults (e.g., guidance counselor) he can talk to that may be able to help him. I know he doesn't follow my suggestions though and I don't attend his school so I can't make him go (not that I probably could if I did). He can't afford a therapist, that would be completely out of the question but I want him to get the help he needs or think he needs. I always feel like I'm disappointing him when I don't have any answers to give. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a vibe I give off, I've had quite a few friends ask me for dating advice knowing full well I've never had a boyfriend or been in a serious relationship. I'm grateful they view my opinion so highly but I'd feel like a Magic 8 Ball spouting out answers if I tried to help with everything. I don't want to disappoint my friend, but I can't give him advice I'm certainly not qualified to give. I guess I'm just worried about him, he's going to college next year and I don't want him to be dependent on whether I think something is okay or not okay or what he should do. He needs to put more faith in his own thoughts. I just don't know how to get him to go about doing that.
Hello fellow listener. Your question really hits home, as I too sometimes feel that I don’t have all the answers. I shake the Magic 8 Ball, but it just says, "Um, what?" The key is not to think of yourself as an answer provider. Your friend is likely looking for support and for someone to listen, and you can provide that service without feeling the pressure to “fix” his problems. I think you should make it clear to him (and everyone asking you about stuff) that you don’t have all the answers and that they shouldn’t ask you to make decisions for them, but that you’re still happy to listen to them. If you are particularly worried about your friend, you can give him a little advice for when he goes to college: he will be able to take advantage of his school’s mental health resources free of charge. While he can still talk to you and let you know what’s going on, if he’s really having trouble he should talk to a professional, and I think it would be okay for you to recommend that path. Thanks for being a good friend!
I really want a Bumpits, but I'm nervous that people will think I'm stupid and gross if I wear it. Also, are Bumpits cheesy and trampy and trashy? Can a Bumpits be worn ironically? Because I think that's how I'd like to do it. Chris, what do you think of Bumpits?
Your fears are unfounded. You may think that a Bumpits hair volumizing, leave-in insert is stupid and gross right now, but that’s because you are not wearing one. You are in what experts refer to as the “pre-Bump zone.” And once you get over what those same experts call the “Bump hump” and shellac a Bumpits to your head with half a can of Aqua Net, the “Hollywood hair” that you’ve always desired will lead to a tenfold increase in your confidence. When you have a Bumpits in place, every glance in your direction is tantamount to an admission of jealousy: “Oh, how I wish my hair could be that tall!” So by all means, rock a Bumpits and be proud of your towering locks. If you want to be ironic about it, I suggest employing multiple Bumpits. People may ask if you suffered a catastrophic head injury, but only you, me, and all the Sparklers reading this will know the secret! Shhhhhhh!
Does your hair need a serious volume boost? Bump it to chris@sparknotes.com.
Related Post: Abusive Boyfriends, Inexplicable Anger, and the Secret to Staying Happy (Maybe)
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
Tags: parents, chris listens, body image, relationships, friendships, breakups, siblings, dating, crushes, hair, Advice, weight, procrastination, tattoos
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