The Top 10 Things You’ll Learn at Your First Job

Unless you’re an inexplicably wealthy vampire, Paris Hilton, or a wildly successful freelance writer earning a cool six bucks a week, chances are you’re gonna have to get a job. And since you’re in high school and have no real skills to speak of, that job will probably be at some godforsaken retail store that makes a Russian gulag seem like a Free Hug convention.

On the upside, you’ll be earning minimum wage and will never, ever be able to rinse off the smell of the “Break Room,” no matter how many showers you take. In the interest of terrifying and entertaining you, we’ve listed the top 10 things you’ll learn at your first job.

1. How to Take a Compliment
And by "compliment," we mean “gut-wrenchingly offensive remark made by a customer bent on breaking your soul,” something which you shall soon be fielding by the dozens. Practice building up your immunity to these arrows of enmity by scowling at yourself in the mirror while saying things like, “My, what a ruddy complexion you have. Does alcoholism run in your family?” or “Goodness gracious, a person as dimwitted as yourself should certainly at least TRY to make up for her incompetence by working quickly. Oh, and I just LOVE your sweater.”

2. How to Sleep in a Closet
First, find a closet, preferably one filled with brooms, nuclear waste, and a hungover busboy. Next, sit on an upturned mop bucket and get some shut-eye. Enjoyable? Sure. But only because “unenjoyable” isn’t a word.

3. How to Snack Covertly
This is much easier if your work uniform includes an apron, a hamburger hat, or a fanny pack. (Sidenote: If you have to wear a fanny pack, quit; if you have to wear a hamburger hat, we want your life.) In those cases, you can simply stuff a bag of Cheetos into the most convenient access point and have at it. If, however, you have to wear pocket-less slacks for your eight hour shift, you’re going to have to get a bit more creative. May we suggest coating your sleeves in a fine glaze of maple syrup and sucking on them during moments of weakness? Yes. Yes we may.

4. How to Accept Trash as a Gift
Anyone who stands behind a counter will undoubtedly be approached by some jack*ss lovely person who says, “Hey, I got a present for ya,” and then hands you a soggy, crumpled Kleenex or a half-empty 20 oz. Slurpee. Said jack*ss lovely person may also try such smooth lines as, “How’d you like to throw this away for me, buddy?” or “Get rid of this gum, worthless retail worker.” The proper response? A swift kick to the jugular. If you’re not that coordinated, aim for the shins. Twice as low, and twice as deadly.

5. How to Cry Without Crying
A toughie for the best of us, this maneuver may take up to three, even four days of working to master. The key is to force all of your tears out as sweat. This way, you’ll manage to release pent-up pain and frustration as macho perspiration; instead of sobbing into your hands like a child, you can gamely wipe your forehead like a man.

6. How to Drop-Tackle Thievin’ Sons of Guns
Did you just catch some hoodlum sneaking a bicycle into his pants? Well then drop your shoulder and take him OUT. Just be prepared to face some frivolous lawsuits. Hoodlums love to sue.

7. How to Seek Vengeance Effectively
A customer screams that she’s already three hours late to the airport and your unfathomable slowness is destroying her one chance at happiness. Do you want to help? Of course. So in your mad rush to assist her with speed and congeniality, “forget” to remove all of the security sensors from her purchases. Ten bucks says that mall cop has her in headlock inside 34 seconds. Politeness rules.

8. How to Fold a Pair of Pants
Get your hands on a pair of pants. Fold those babies up. BAM. We smell a promotion.

9. How to Commit Arson and Get off Scott-Free
This is exceptionally simply, except for the last part. And the first part, too. Once you’ve put 23 barrels of kerosene and your stepdad’s cigar lighter to good use on the sale section of Urban Outfitters, buy yourself a sharp-lookin’ suit for your trial, hire the ghost of Johnnie Cochran as your lawyer, and repeat the phrase “I plead the 5th” until everyone in the courtroom explodes. And then go to prison. Sorry. We’ll send you some taffy.

10. How to Die a Bloody Retail Death
Don’t panic. Retail isn’t the Civil War. It’s worse. So strap on your bayonet and start kickin’ some shins. You are now a soldier in the Army of SUCK.

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What horrible things do your customers do to you? We're dying to hear!