Because "My Dog Ate My Homework" Just Won’t Cut It

You're late. And you don't have the assignment. Who knows why? Maybe you didn't want to get out of bed. Maybe you were too busy to find out the answer to x=n4 because you were at the New Moon premier, shaking with an intense excitement. Maybe your group project partner has the worst four-day-old-Chinese-food-smelling B.O. in the history of humans and you just couldn't work with her for one more second. For whatever reason, you're screwed.

But don't worry. We have three foolproof ways you can save your butt:

Option #1: Tell the truth.
Sometimes this is the best route, especially if the truth is insane, fun, or good fodder for a class distraction. Skip school yesterday to go see Oprah, the Colbert Report, or some other show? Got a video of you and your sister falling off your trampoline and into the empty above-ground pool? In possession of a slab of ice that landed on your roof this morning? Come prepared with stories about how small Colbert looks in person, screen the video for the class, or bring the ice into class and hypothesize about where it’s from (the wings of a plane, outer space, the lab of the crazy girl with BO who is trying to sabotage your life and your group project?). Chances are your teacher who barely knows how to teach will welcome an interesting distraction. Thanks to you, she now has time to plan her lesson for the next class she doesn’t know what she’s doing in.

Option #2: Blame it on someone else—preferably someone who shares your blood.
Having trouble at home? Obviously. Who isn’t? Parents are crazy, if your grandmother lives with you she’s probably even crazier, and chances are you have a little brother or sister who absolutely drives you crazy. If it wasn’t for these people in your life, you might actually be normal and on time. But your grandma can’t figure out how to make oatmeal, your mom and dad are having an epic fight over laundry detergent, and your little sister needs a ride to school and won’t get out of the car until she hears “Party in the USA.” Use their craziness to your advantage. When you come into school, lay it all on the school secretary: “And then I had to boil the hot water for my grandma, and she tipped over the pot and scalded her feet. She was screaming, and so was my mom because my dad told her she shouldn’t even be allowed to do laundry anymore since she shrinks all his clothes. Then my little sister Kelly was shaking her hips like yeah and then….” Try not to pause or breathe during this exasperated excuse.

Option #3: Be relatable (Ya feel me, teach?)
When you prance in late to first period and your snotty teacher gives you the stink eye through her I-think-I’m-smart rimmed glasses, you’re going to need to stoop down to her level and tell her something that she’ll completely understand. Have you seen her eat Activa yogurt at her desk during lunch? Chances are she has digestive issues. Glide up to her at the front of the room, discreetly lower your voice, and say something like, “So sorry I’m late, but I had the worst diarrhea this morning,” or “You might want to call down to the office and send a janitor to the guy’s bathroom on the third floor. I made quite the little mess, I'm afraid.” Top it off with a serious, stoic face that also looks a wee bit constipated. (For future reference, these lines will probably also work if you want to go home for the rest of the day, especially if you head down to the nurse's office with a pained look on your face and a hand on your stomach).

Related post: Three Clues Your Science Teacher Is In Completely Over His Head