With Thanksgiving just around the corner, we're about to hit the prime time of year for long, looong-distance family travel-thons. And whether your family's Turkey Day destination is across the country or just (heh heh) over the river and through the woods, chances are that next week will find you in the inescapable company of your family for at least the duration of a traffic-jammed car ride.
We know what you're thinking: Blast it all, SparkNotes, why'd you have to bring this up? Don't you know that Thanksgiving holiday travel is my personal hell?!
Why, yes. Yes we do. Which is why we're putting together an informative series of Thanksgiving Holiday survival guides to mitigate your hell, whether you're traveling by plane, train, automobile, or personal jetpack. (Just kidding—if you're lucky enough to own a personal jetpack, we don't want to hear any more of your piddling complaints. Also, can we borrow it?)
First up in our Thanksgiving survival series: The Family Road Trip.
Everybody into the station wagon! It's time to strap in, buckle up, and get ready to spend several hours in waaay too close proximity to your family members. The average holiday road trip will find you crammed into the backseat of a car, right between your sister, who thinks that a four-by-six-foot enclosed space is the perfect venue to paint her fingernails, and your brother, whose bladder is the size of a peanut and who may or may not be peeing his pants right now.
Wait...uh, forget about that “may not” part. Everybody out of the station wagon!
While you can't escape the fact that you're trapped in a steel cage with your family, you can take certain preventive measures to make sure you don't end up trying to rip your sister's face off somewhere along I-95:
1) Bring entertainment. If you're really lucky, your parents have purchased one of those swank SUVs in which everybody has a fully reclining chair, personal DVD player, and individual climate controls at their disposal. But if not, be prepared with an iPod, or a video game, or a freakin' coloring book—just make sure you've got something, anything, to distract you from the fact that MOM BILLY IS BREATHING ON ME AGAIN.
2) Make the best of the situation. Being in a car means golden opportunities to play games like “Count the Cows,” “Car Bingo,” “I Spy,” and “Let's Put a Sign in the Window That Says We're Being Kidnapped and Need Other Drivers to Call the Police.” (Your parents especially love that last one.)
3) Create strategic alliances. Promise to help your sister surreptitiously dispose of her brussels sprouts during the Thanksgiving meal in exchange for a window seat. Then, inform on her to your parents in exchange for driving privileges on the way back.
4) Fight for fun. There's no getting around the fact that after four hours in the car, you will start getting on each other's nerves. Be prepared for this eventuality by rehearsing creative ways to insult and annoy your fellow travelers. The ride will be much more interesting if you respond to your brother's shouts of “I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!” by calling him a grapefruit-faced pervert with bad butt hygiene.
5) Be ready to take extreme action. When all else fails, it's time to get serious. Encase your entire body in a durable plastic bubble. Install an ejector mechanism under your sister's seat. Pack a jumbo-sized tube of frosting, horse tranquilizers, and several rolls of duct tape...no, we won't tell you why. When the time is right, you'll know.
Do you have a road trip survival tip to add to our guide? Tell us in the comments! And stay tuned for future installations of this exciting series. Next up: Trains.
By: kat_rosenfield
Topics: Life
Tags: siblings, road trips, thanksgiving, families
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