Steal These Books

Posted November 17, 2009

If you're a human, you're probably familiar with what we at SparkNotes like to call the Library Oh-Crap—so called because of that unfortunate experience wherein you notice an unfamiliar book on your shelf, open it up, and discover that the binding is stamped in five places with the words, “Property of [Your Town] Public Library”... and inside, waving like a tiny flag of shame, is a sign-out slip dated sometime in 2007, at which point you close the book and say, “Oh, crap!”

But if you've ever found yourself wracked with guilt over a library book that's a year or two overdue, we're happy to tell you that it could always be worse. You could be this person.

According to that AP article, an alumnus of a Phoenix high school has returned two fifty-years-overdue Audubon Society books to the school library, along with a 1,000-dollar money order to cover any potential fines. The alumnus wished to remain anonymous, probably because he or she is embarrassed at having spent half a decade ogling those racy pictures of birds.

But while we commend the book-returner's honesty, we also can't help thinking that there are certain cases of Library Oh-Crap in which giving back the books in question just doesn't make sense. After all, some works of literature are practically begging to be checked out and never returned! And so, we've compiled the following list of Six Books to Abscond With, Guilt-Free*:

The book: Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Steal it because: 400 pages of Raskolnikov's guilty conscience is worse punishment than any library fine.

The book: The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
Steal it because: Delightful irony.

The book: The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
Steal it because: You're the only person on the planet who hasn't read it yet.

The book: The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne
Steal it because: WORST BOOK EVER. One less copy of this horrendous tripe in circulation can only be a good thing.

The book: The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
Steal it because: Rand's objectivist philosophy says you should!

The book: Steal This Book, by Abbie Hoffman.
Steal it because: Duh.

Got a steal-able book to add to our list? Tell us in the comments!

*This list is a joke. SparkNotes is not responsible for any injuries, arrests, or parental disappointment resulting from book theft. Be sure to tip your waiter.