Ball of Hate vs. Pancake Face

A few days ago on Facebook, we asked which literary character is your dream bf/gf. Lots of people chose the reserved yet passionate Mr. Darcy, of Pride and Prejudice; there were also many admirers of the brooding, dangerous Heathcliff. This got us thinking: is Fitzwilliam or Heath the bigger catch?

We asked Kat Rosenfield and Kathryn Williams to debate the merits of these fictional dreamboats. Kat reps for Team Darcy; Kathryn for Team Heathcliff. Let the gchat battle begin!

kat: Darcy rules.
kathryn: Yeah, if you like that haughty, timid type.
kat: I prefer haughty and timid over bats**t insane.

kathryn: Not insane, just maladjusted. Like a beaten puppy.
Heathcliff, that is. I am Heathcliff.
kat: Yes.
I'm pretty sure that Heathcliff liked to beat puppies, actually.
kathryn: No, just the offspring of his enemies and his wife.
kat: Whereas Darcy would take them into his care, and give them lots of hugs, and make sure they ended up married to nice men.
Except that Heathcliff was enemies with, like, everyone.
kathryn: http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/looneytunes/images/8/80/Elmyra-Duff.jpg
kat: Heathcliff = ball of hate.
kathryn: He may be a ball of hate, but he was Catherine's (coincidence?) ball of hate.
kat: And look how well that turned out.
kathryn: Better to have loved and lost...
Who wouldn't want a guy so tortured by his love for you?
kat: At least with Darcy you can actually win true love while you're still alive.
kathryn: "In every cloud, in every tree—filling the air at night, and caught by glimpses in every object by day, I am surrounded with her image!"
I bet after P&P ended, Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett spent the rest of their lives sitting by the fire knitting and trying to think of things to say to each other.
It was infatuation, not love.
Give me stormy.
kat: I just went looking for Darcy quotes but couldn't find any.
kathryn: that's because he's lame-o
kat: No, that's because his quotes were so awesome that if they tried to share them, they would break the internet.
HAHAHAHA.
kathryn: break the internet from boredom of his utter cliche-ness
let's face it, heathcliff is an a-hole, but there's gotta be some reason he's so hot:
http://zazazu.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/wuthering-heights.jpg
kat: Okay, back to the topic at hand
Infatuation? NOOO. Darcy came back for seconds, dude.
kathryn: men love the chase
what we don't know is what happened after the chase
kat: Oh yeah, because "Oh, I'm so tortured, I'm so emo, Cathy hurt my feeeeeewings" is like totally original.
kathryn: Haha.
Heathcliff is totally emo. But say what you will, tortured is hot.
kathryn: did Darcy go insane over love for Elizabeth, dedicating his life to festering over her absence?
kat: No, but he did tell his Aunt and the Elizabethan version of the plastics to go [expletive] themselves.
That's love!
kathryn: well, good, at least we know Mr. Darcy had some balls
that bodes well for offspring
kat: I wonder if they'll let us actually say that. Can you say "balls" on SparkNotes?
kathryn: hmm. cajones?
kat: Man-marbles!
Heathcliff probably had only one ball. That's why he was so upset all the time.
kathryn: yeah, but it was a big one.
kathryn: let's look at who's played these smoldering hunks...
Ralph Fiennes
kat: Actually, Laurence Olivier played them both.
I don't know what that means.
kathryn: he was probably very conflicted. but he did get all the ladies
kat: Colin Firth. Firth FTW.
kathryn: Chuck Bass
http://www.sugarscape.com/main-topics/lads/343067/ed-play-heathcliff
i wish blair would play catherine
kat: Matthew McFayededededeennn played Darcy.
kathryn: Who?
kat: I have no idea.
I can't even spell his name.
kat: And now that I've looked him up I can't help feeling that the casting department failed me, because he looks like a pancake.
http://mystiqueschvie.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/pride.jpg
kathryn: you gotta admit heathcliff is mysterious
mysterious = prrrrr
kat: You know what else is mysterious?
Diseases that cause pustules to appear on your butt overnight.
...Not that I know anything about that.
kathryn: Whoops. You want to edit that one out? Haha.
kat: But therefore, Heathcliff = Butt Pustule.
kathryn: I am Butt Pustule.
two butt pustules twinned in heaven
kat: Two butt pustules were seen walking the moors, hand in hand.
kathryn: Matthew McFaddaduddy looks like Elmer Fudd with hair, btw
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/02/12/article-1144147-037F9849000005DC-774_468x279.jpg
kat: I know. Let's forget I mentioned him, because anyway, COLIN FIRTH.
kathryn: I liked him in Love Actually.
And Bridget Jones.
But I spent P&P too annoyed with Keira Knightly's forced overbite and inability to close her mouth to pay attention to Darcy
kat: The BBC one is better. Is there a Wuthering Heights BBS miniseries?
BBC*
kathryn: Girl, you know it. The BBC is all over those Bronte chicks.
kat: And Ralph Fiennes plays Voldemort, so, y'know
kathryn: Teen Voldemort was probably hot at some point too
http://screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/tom-riddle.jpg
kat: Hot and evil. Although if he'd had a girlfriend, maybe he wouldn't have bothered with the whole "killing everyone" thing.
Oh, what were we talking about?
Heathcliff vs Darcy, right.
kathryn: Um, Heathcliff vs. Garfield
kat: So, in conclusion: Heathcliff is a crappy little emo-sadsack with one elephantine man-marble, and even if you like that, you can't be with him until you're freakin DEAD.
Whereas Darcy is a fine and upstanding man with excellent taste in clothes who will fight Regina George for you.
kathryn: And Mr. Darcy is a timid, haughty pancake face who likes to handknit warmers for his two, small cajones by the fire with his wife, whom he has nothing to say to anymore because it was Victorian infatuation, not love
Heathcliff would eat Regina George alive
Because he is a tall, dark, handsome misanthrope with a steamy air of mystery about him who loves his woman to the grave and beyond
kat: And Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties was a movie that should never have been made.
kathryn: Agreed.
And SCENE!