I’ve Got A Crush on You (and I Will Stalk You Until You Marry Me)

You may remember a series we published a few weeks back called Unrequited Love is Awesome, in which we pummeled you with advice on how to win the gooey heart of your crush, ooze sex appeal while surrounded by meatloaf, and become the least-respected congressman in your state. Now that you know how to woo the apple of your eye, it’s time to talk about the reverse scenario: what to do when someone has an unreciprocated crush on YOU.

Step One: High-Five Yourself.
You heard me. Get all up in there, dude. SOMEBODY HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. Arrogant congratulatory actions are in order. Walk up to a mirror, look yourself dead in the eyes, and say, “You, sir, are a stone cold FOX.” Say “sir” regardless of your gender (it will make you sound rakish and debonair) and top off your performance by leaning out your window and shouting, “I AM IRRESISTIBLE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX. I AM A PROVERBIAL MAGNET, A STUN GUN, A SEX BOMB, IF YOU WILL. HIDE YOUR EYES, COMMON PEOPLE, LEST MY BEAUTY TURN YOU TO STONE.” And then turn some pedestrians to stone, just so you don’t seem like a grandstander.

Step Two: Analyze This Situation
If you’re reading this article, we’re assuming you don’t exactly have romantic feelings for the person who’s crushin’ on you. If you do, quit being a dumb head and go get 'em. If you don’t, you’ve got a difficult situation on your hands. Somebody thinks you’re a pretty cool cat, and while you’re definitely flattered, you also definitely don’t want to date him/her. RIGHT?!? Before you make any rash decisions, carefully consider what it is about your “crusher” that turns you off or makes you feel that a relationship would be totally impossible. Don’t rule out a guy who cracks you up just because you hate his goofy haircut; don’t ditch a girl you think is really cool just because she looks eerily similar to your mom (actually, you might be justified on that one).

What we’re saying is this: Try not to judge people on the superficial, and don’t rule someone out of your potential dating pool for a purely shallow reason. On the other hand, if you’re not feeling a romantic vibe because your admirer doesn’t make you laugh, has absolutely nothing in common with you, or is raging alcoholic with a meth addiction, then you should proceed onto the next step. And maybe alert the county sheriff.

Step Three: Say It to His/Her Face
As my grandmother always says, “Put some more cottage cheese on your gravy bread, dumpling.” Which, as we all know, basically translates to “Honesty is the best policy, especially when someone is obsessed with you.” Once you’ve determined that your crusher isn’t your future soul mate, you should probably break it to her so that she can stop spending her allowance on an endless stream of “u sure r realy pretty” texts. Leading someone on (a.k.a allowing him to take you on dates, hold your hand, or buy you extravagant gifts like an actual panda or a life-size replica of the Empire State Building) will only lead to heartache and complications with consequences that could reverberate for years. It’ll be less painful for everyone involved if you’re straightforward and kind.

Try something like, “I’m so flattered that you feel that way about me, but I like you more as a friend,” or “It was really sweet of you to ask me out, but I don’t think we’d be compatible as a couple,” or better yet, “The mere sight of you causes me to shudder with revulsion, so I bought you this paper bag. Put it over your face or get away from me IMMEDIATELY.” See how easy that was? Sure, you may feel a little guilty at first about being so direct and hurting your crusher’s feeling, but it’s a lot better to tell the truth up front than to drag the situation out and let her think she might have a shot. Bite the bullet, pal. And butter that gravy bread, too.

Step Four: We Think Another High-Five is In Order
Hey, you’ve earned it. You were rational, honest, and a proverbial magnet. We wouldn’t hold it against you if you threw a low-five in the mix too. BAM, baby.

Have you ever had to turn someone down?

Related Post: Unrequited Love is Awesome Part 1

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