Auntie SparkNotes: Personal Questions and Horrible People

You guys always leave great comments, and last week was no exception. Coffinmaker wrote: “Good advice, Auntie Sparknotes, but now I'm curious about YOUR internet history.”

Well, that's a kind of personal question...but okay, I'll bite. I am opening my browser, I am clicking on history, and I am pleased to inform you that my last google search was for...

winston churchill darth vader

It's probably best not to ask why.

And now, this week's letter:

Dear Auntie,

From the time that I was in 5th grade till the time I was in 8th, I had the biggest crush in the world on a guy on my soccer team. Eventually, we dated for quite a while, but he left me for another girl (who was my friend at the time) after we'd been dating for almost a year. The entire time we dated, he wasn't good for me, and even I knew that. He was flirty, dishonest, and he had an awful temper; if I made him mad, he'd occasionally hit me or shove me as if it was my fault.
After we broke up, I couldn't even talk to him because I was so hurt, but a year later, we started talking again, and I fell for him all over again. Soon after we reconnected, he hurt me and took advantage of me in ways that I didn't even know he was capable of. Being as it was a legal matter, I pressed charges, and then dropped them soon after because of the stress.
Now, a year and half later, he found me at a football game and apologized. He seemed sincere, and he said he wanted me to know how sorry he was and wanted to know if we could try again. I want to believe him, but he's always been a manipulator, and I don't wanna get hurt again. I still care about him, but I can't trust him. What should I do, Auntie? Give him another chance? Blow him off? I'm completely at a loss.

Hey, did you guys hear that? There was a weird noise just now...sort of like the sound of an advice columnist throwing a laptop across the room and running full speed into a wall while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Oh, wait. That was me.

Let's get the quick answer out of the way, here: No. No, no, no, no, no. NOOOOO. No. You must not, under any circumstances, become re-involved with this guy. You've offered up two compelling reasons yourself, which I'm going to repeat for you:

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A MANIPULATOR.
YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM.

And here's a third one, from me: Not only has this guy already hurt you too much to ever be re-admitted into your life, if you give him the chance, he will use it to hurt you again. Don't think he won't, and don't think you can change him. People like this are juggernauts of destruction, and you shouldn't interact with him anymore than you'd interact with the front of a moving train.

The truth is, while it may be possible for this guy to one day become a decent human being, it'll take a lot more than a year, and a lot more than a “seemingly sincere” apology. Make no mistake: What you're describing is textbook abuse by someone who has his game down to a science, and that includes the apologies and promises to change. Don't play right into his manipulation by giving him another chance. Read your letter—he's had more than enough chances, and he's used them to prove beyond any doubt that he will never treat you the way a boyfriend should. That's it. When it comes to this guy, the Chance Factory is closed.

The most important thing, now, is how you deal with this. Your number one priority is making sure that he stays away from you. That means telling him no and saying, in a way that's firm and unequivocal, that he can't contact you again. He'll jump on any chance to hammer at your argument with promises that he'll do better this time, that he's a different person, that he'll never hurt you again, etc; don't give him one. Instead, practice saying this: “I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. Please don't try to contact me again.”

Then, say it to him. Be brief, be firm, and then walk away. Do not let him draw you into an argument. You're done with him. Practice saying that, too: “We're done.”

Then, with the help of your parents (they know what's going on, right? Because if not, please tell them right away), find a professional therapist who you can talk to about what's happened. Experiences like you've had leave an emotional scar, and you'll be doing yourself a longterm favor by ironing out your feelings with somebody who can help. Good luck—we're all rooting for you.

Got something to say, something to add, or a question of your own? Leave it in the comments, or email Auntie at advice@sparknotes.com.