Highlights From the Dan Bergstein Facebook Chat

Posted November 13, 2009

Yesterday afternoon and evening, many of you flicked on your computers and chatted with the hilarious Dan Bergstein. But we realize some of you don't have a Facebook account, and others across the world had to do really silly things like sleep and go to school. Alas, not everyone got to chat with Dan, so we decided to take Sparkler synchrogirl117's suggestion and give you some highlights. (If you'd like to read through the entire event, click here.)

We'd also like to thank everyone who participated. The first Dan Bergstein chat was a major success! In fact, we'd love to post the entire, 6 hour-long convo on SparkLife, but with more than 1050 posts, it would be so long that your computer would probably blow up. So here goes: The Best of Bergstein...

Dan Bergstein wrote

Hi everyone!
Welcome to the Facebook Chat. Is anyone else really nervous? No? Just me then.
Feel free to ask me questions about anything, and I'll try to answer you as fast as possible. (Please don't hate me for grammar mistakes and the many, many typos.)
Questions about religion and politics will get short, uninteresting answer because I don't want this to turn into a debate.
Question about my love life will get even shorter, less interesting answers, because I have a girlfriend and would still like to have a girlfriend tomorrow.
Let's do this! [CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER IN LOUD OBNOXIOUS MANNER]

Zella! We finally meet. (sort of)

Great questions. Here are some answers:

Q: What is your favorite book? (I assume it isn't Twilight)?

Hmm. Tough one. It changes depending on my mood. If you held a gun to my head, and made me answer right now, I'd say Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. It's not an easy read (1,000 pages, plus 100 pages of end notes), but it really stuck with me. It's pretty funny too.

Q: Are you an English major? (If so, I can use you as proof that I ca be an English major and still be gainfully employed)

I majored in broadcasting at Kutztown University. (Though the major is now called Electronic Media).

Q: What's your favorite Twilight drawing from your blogs?

It's gotta be Bella in the Bear-Suit

Q: Will you write Early Evening: A Wererhino Romance? (Please!)

Already started. I'm having so much fun writing it that I don't even care if it never gets published (or finished).

Q: If there was one Twilight character you could meet just to slap, who would it be?

Edward…and I would be quite satisfying.

Q: What's the next crappy pop culture phenom that you'll blog on?

Not sure.

Q: "I'd just like to ask your opinion on Jasper? He's my favourite character in Twilight, not that there's much competition..."
A: I still don't know much about Jasper. He seems odd, like a kid who washes his hands too much. My opinion may change the more I get to know him.
Q: If you had to be a Twilight character, who would you be?
A: Emmett.
Q: What's your favorite word, glower or murmur?
A: Glower, because that word now makes me laugh. I can almost understand using the murmur too often. But how can Ms. Meyer overuse such a strange word like "glower?"

1) my friend wants to know how old you are?
A: I am thirty-one years old. Though my driver's license says I'm thirty-fun.
2) Are you going to make these blogs into one big book, because that would be a good idea and i will def buy it! =]
A: But if there was just one big book, only one person could have it. How would we decide which loyal reader would get this one book? (I'm thinking Egg-on-a-Spoon races)
3) Have you ever wanted to meet one of your comment writers? and if you do.. well then do something about that!!?
A: I love everyone the comments! Even the people who hate me.
last question...
4) Does your girlfriend like twilight.. and if she does how does she feel about your blogs?
A: She has read the first book, and wasn't a fan.

Q: Can i call you D-Berg?
A: Yep. Call me Dan, Danny, DannyBergs, DannyAwesomeDude, Dan 4000, Dan-imal. I like 'em all.
Q: Can your catchphrase be "I HEART ME SOME D-BERG"?
A: No.

Q: If you have seen any ads for the "Twilight" & "New Moon" movies, what do you think of the cast they picked to play the characters?
A: Great question. From the ads, I think the cast looks OK. But Taylor Lautner (or whatever his name is) seems too cute to be Jacob. In my mind, Jake is really tall and rugged. He should be more like a lumberjack than a boy-band member.

1. When you're writing your blogs, do you have like, some kind of system?
I read the chapter and make little notes in pencil, and underline silly phrases and words. Then i summarize the chapter. Then I go back and add my own opinions. It can take anywhere from 2 hours to 5 hours or longer, including time it takes to make the drawing.
2. Do you ever over-use a word like Mormon Mommy Moron Meyer overuses the words "Glower" and "Murmer?"
If you go back to the blogs, I think I over-use the word "explains." I under-use the word "brawny" and I'm trying to correct this.

3. What's your favorite short story by steven king?
1408 (I think that's what it was called. They made a movie about it with John Cusak). It's like the Shinning, but shorter.

-What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
White peppermint mocha in December. It's Christmas in a freaking cup!
-What is one thing you're addicted to?
Twitter. (It's so sad. Really, really sad).
-What kind of kid were you in high school?
I was average, i guess. I wasn't athletic, or super smart. I wasn't an outcast, and I wasn't Mr. Popular. I did keep a slinky in my backpack, though. So I guess i was "The Kid Who Kept a Slinky in his Backpack".

Q: What moves would be in a D-Berg Dance?
A: Lots of twirls. But manly, aggresive twirls.
Q: What character do you most relate to?
A: In Twilight? Probably Conner. (Is he ever mentioned again in the book? I think Meyer forgets the non-monster high school students.)
Q: What is the most awesome thing Emmett can do?
A: He can get things done. Here's why I like Emmett, in the first book, when the wussy Cullens were all running away from one, puny evil vampire, Emmett was THE ONLY ONE who said, "Hey, let's stop being silly and go kill this jerkface." And he was right! He's always right! It makes me angry thinking about how the Cullens ran away. Arghhh! [Takes a sip of Cranberry Soda] That's better. Sorry about that.
Cranberry Soda rules!

Q: How mad were you when the Yankees won the World Series?
A: Why did you have to go and bring that up. It sucked. But I'd still rather hang out with the Phillies than the Yankees. (Did you hear that A-rod has two paintings of himself as mythical beasts hanging in his bedroom? Eww.)

Q: Do you know already what happens in Breaking Dawn?
A: Nope. Though I heard that Jacob does something awful and I will hate him. (Don't spoil it!)
Q: What made you start the blog?
A: My wonderful, talented, intelligent, witty, and funny editor at Spark Notes, Emma Chastain, sent me the idea and I jumped at the chance. She is the absolute best. Everyone at Spark Notes is so great and so much fun to work with.
Q: Have you done this for other books?
A: Nope.
Q: Will you be doing this for other teenager girl oriented books?
A: Maybe.
Q: Since you're a Harry Potter fan, do you find the Harry & Ginny, Ron & Hermoine pairings believable?
A: The Harry and Ginny relationship seemed a tad forced. But Ron and Hermoine is match made in heaven.

1) Was english your favorite subject in school? or was it something else... and you ended up as a writer?
A: I like Newspaper Club more than English. I also like Bio, for some strange reason.
2) When you write do you have a special place you go? or you do something special?
A: Nope. Just sit at my messy desk. (I'm there now!)
3) Have you ever seen the twilight movie? and are you planning on seeing the new moon movie?
A: Haven't yet. Will see them one day.
4) How does it feel to be popular? you with all the blogs and all...
A: It's so wonderful. I've been writing for a few years now, and nothing compares to the response from you guys. NOTHING! The Spark Notes Readers are fantastic!

Q: What music do you listen to while you're blogging ? Maybe after Twilight you could blog the twilight soundtrack...

A: Right now I'm loving the the latest Decemberists CD. And I think the new Kid Cudi album is pretty good. I also listen to The Flaming Lips a lot. And The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Tim Fite, and Pearl Jam, and The Beatles, and old Cat Stevens, and Radiohead. But most of the time, I write in silence. (But I make the drawings while rocking out to bands like Mastodon. Mastodon RULZ!)

Q: Dan, if you could do things to change the twilight series but still keep the essence of the plot, what would you do to it? And is it possible to save the series? or are they too far gone? :)
A: I would make Bella a stronger character. She doesn't need to be Buffy, but it would be nice if she didn't rely on guys all the time. And I would also add a minotaur named Jeffy who could teleport and solve crime.

ZELLA! Sorry, but after reading your comments for a few months, I feel like shouting whenever I see you on facebook. (I hope some of the other commenters are here too. Dying to hear from HouseObbsessed and Ling and Bond_chick, and everyone else who's screen names I've forgotten.
Anyway, you asked what I would do if I ever met Stephenie Meyer. I would shake her hand and say, "Thank you for writing the books. My name is Roger Smith. I do not own a computer, nor do I know what a Blog is." And then I would have my picture taken with her, and then post that picture online. And it would be funny. (If only to me).

1) Would you kiss Bella (if she was real) on a dare?
No. That's gross. I'm old.
2) If you could spend one day with Jacob, what would you do?
First, eat spaghetti. Then, ride motorcycles. Then, watch him kill vampires.
3) Does black nail polish make a girl look awesome?
Only if she puts it on her nails.
4) How does it feel to be an internet celebrity? (At least to us)
I think I'm still in shock. I'm also nervous that soon everyone will realize I'm just a smart-ass and stop reading the blogs. Or that I will run out of things to say.
5) What would you do with 1 million dollars and 1 day to spend it all?
I would us part of the money to hire someone to kill whoever made sure that the money was spent in one day. Then, I would have the rest of my life to spend the rest of the dough.

Q: If Edward Cullen and The Wonderful Emmet weren't fictional characters, but living breathing people in real life, what would you say to them?
A: I would say, "Boo!" And then Edward would run away, while Emmett just laughed. Then Emmet and I would go bowling. (Emmett would win).

Q: What is your inspriation for your lies of the day on twitter (not that I'm a stalker or anything. lol)
A: I think of things you could tell a little kid, and the kid would believe you.
Q: Did you really like reading as a kid? Was English your favorite class? Did you ever think that you'd be doing something like this?
A: I always liked reading. But I'm a sloooow reader. It will take me three-weeks at the minimum to get through a novel. After reading the comments on my SparkLife story "How Fast do you Read?" I felt dumb. But i always loved, loved, loved writing. Started writing funny stories in High School, continued in college, and then got a job at a magazine. Then went to work for another Web site that closed down and since then I've been doing work for Sparks. The journey continues...
Q: Does it feel weird to have so many people profess their love for you on a regular basis? Myself included :P
A: It's all in good fun. Sort of like when I say, "I love oatmeal cookies so much I want to marry them!" or "I hate olives so much I want to divorce them!"

Q: when you were in high school what did you want to be? Job-wise.
A: I was always wanted to be a writer. Or a petroleum engineer.

1. What are the most awesome socks you own like?
A: My socks are not very fun. They are ordinary. I HATE THEM!
2. Do you like Cotton Factory tees? Because you just seem like the kind of person who would.
A: What is that? I like Threadless.com T-shirts. Is it like that?
3. Do you like rap music? I don't like rap music. You should blog about rap music.
A: I enjoy some rap music. But most of it is too braggy.

Q: Do you believe in true love at first sight?
A: Nope. Because then blind people couldn't fall in love. And that just doesn't seem fair.

Q: Oh, I also want to ask you what your favourite pick up line is.
A: "You are pretty. Can I kiss you on the mouth!?!? Where are you going? There's no need to run."

Q: how many times do you revise your work?
A: A lot. I've tossed out entire blogs that I didn't think were very good, and started over from scratch. It's not that I'm a perfectionist. But I know when I could do better. And killing something and starting over is sometimes more beneficial than trying to salvage it.

Q: What is your middle name?
A: Adam. (Someone actually guessed this in the Eclipse Blog, and I was tempted to give them a cyber-high five.)
Q: Would you consider making your excellent Blogging Twilight drawings into a book?
A: Maybe. I'll keep ya posted.
Q: If you could get Stephenie Meyer to replace anything from the series with your own invention, what would you replace? What would you replace it with?
A: I would remove Bella, and replace her with a time-traveling gopher that told jokes about historical events. It would be as educational as it would be fun.

Q: What was your favorite Sparknotes article that you ever wrote?

A: "Why Is That Guy Driving Without a Shirt?" I dealt with a very real problem, and I think my article brought about serious change.

I just swallowed my gum.
Just thought you should know. Moving on...

Q: how did you get hired by sparknotes?
A: Sent in my resume and writing samples. Did some more samples for them. And then started writing for them. Oh, and there was an Egg-on-the-Spoon race I had to win, too.
Is there a better name for Egg-on-the-Spoon race? Egg-Relay? Egg-Race?

Q: What fictional character or characters from literature, film, theatre, or television have intrigued you or taught you something and why?
A: Live life like Atticus Finch, from To Kill a Mockingbird. He is amazing.
Q: What is the best piece of advice you've ever been given, and why?
A: Omit needless words. (Stephen King taught me that in his book On Writing, but I think this tidbit originates from The Elements of Style. Either way, it's the most important thing a person can do when trying to communicate.)

-what do you want for christmas?
A: Jetpack, jetpack fuel, jetpack helmet, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, jetpack insurance, some magnets. I like magnets.
-who can you imagine singing "Back dat up Bella (slap it slap it) feat. T-Pain?
A: That Bieber kid. (He's a singer, right?)
-If you could bring someone back from the dead for one day, who would it be? And what would you do with this person?
A: Zorro. And then we would fight crime together. (Stop looking at me like that. Zorro could totally be a real person. You don't know that he wasn't!)

Q: You always meantion poking eyeballs in your blogs, do you poke people eyeballs when you meet them or do you just have a phobia of them?
A: I've never noticed that before. I think eyeballs is a funny word.
Q: what would you do if you ever met a Volturi Lord?
A: Sit back and laugh, and laugh, and laugh at Marcus.
Q: If you had the choice to become a werwowlf or be emmett's roommate, what would you choose?
A: Werewolf. Because I could still play Xbox with Emmett online.

Q: It is said that "an optomist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be."
What do you have to say about the glass?
A: Does it come with free refills?

Q: What program do you use to draw the pictures? (or do you draw them by hand? No, that wouldn't work, they're too computer-looking)
A: First, I draw them in pencil on regular computer paper. Then go over it with a Sharpie marker. Then I scan it, and use the free photo-editing program called GIMP to color and edit the drawing. Originally, I colored them with markers, but it looked sloppy and took too long.
Making the drawings is my favorite part, and I always save it for last, like it's a reward.

1. What other cultural phenomenon do you have incredible trouble comprehending? It could be music, movies, books, whatever.
A: I don't understand that Taylor Swift song where she disses girls who wear short skirts, because she sings the song while wearing a short skirt. Seem hypocritical to me. But like I said, I think she was great on SNL.
2. What is your biggest guilty pleasure?
A: Niel Diamond songs.
3. Have you ever been completely disappointed by a band changing their sound? (I just got Flyleaf's new album, and I like maybe 4 songs of the 14. I was heartbroken.)
A: No. I always liked The Flaming Lips. And the new Flaming Lips disc is really out there and different, and more jazz than rock. And I love it.
4. What was one of your most embarassing moments?
When I was in preschool, I accidentally relieved myself in the school Gym while we were doing jumping jacks. You don't forget something like that.

Q: If you were gonna make me a Dan-bag, what would be in it?
A: First, to those who haven't read the latest blogs, Dan-Bags are bags filled with treats I take with me on long car rides. When I travel, I like snack on hard-candy root beer barrels, Twizzlers, pretzels, and lots of water. And Combos! Combos are great!

Q: Do YOU have a prediction for how many times the words glower/murmur will appear in Eclipse?
A: I'm going to say 27 Glowers, and 127 mumurs.
Q: And last but not least, if you could have a conversation with Emmett, what would you say to him or ask him?
A: Can I try out your flame thrower?

1. What is the best place you have ever traveled to and where would you most like to go?
A: It sounds odd because I worked there for four years, but Manhattan is my favorite place to go. I would love to go to Germany, Austria, England...I'd like to go to Europe.
2. What's your favorite joke?
A: It's very long, too long to type out, but the punch line is, "What are you talking about? The frog was a ventriloquist."

Q: Hey, Dan, what's your favorite TV Show?
A: Right now, I'm really enjoying all the comedies on NBC Thrusday nights: Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreations. I also love LOST. And I think the Cartoon Network's The Venture Brothers is one of the best written shows on TV. I'm not kidding. Watching that show makes me mad because I know I could never write anything as clever as that. It's like a show that was made just for Dan Bergstein.
It's not on the air anymore, but Arrested Development was amazingly funny. And The Simpsons was a great show. (it's a bit bland now). And The Wire is amazing.

Any advice for a senior working on college essays?
A: Take out all references to giant sand worms. Trust me.

Q: Do your tiny, doll-like wrists cause problems for you? Is it hard to type?
A: Yes. My wrists are so small I can wear Life-Saver candies as bracelets.

I like to swim.
I take showers at night instead of in the morning.
I no longer have a gallbladder.
I have never watched CSI: Anything.
Every free sticker that I get, I stick to my garbage can.
I like soup.

I don't know how to rollerskate.
I've never been ice skating.
I've never been to a NFL game.
My haircut costs $18 plus tip.
My bed sheets are off-white.
I sleep on my stomach.
I can't find my headphones.
I have NEVER worn shoes or sneakers while writing a Spark Notes article. Always, always, always in socks.

Phew.
Thank you everyone! I had a blast. Even if my fingers are kind of crampy right now.
Thanks again!
Sincerely,
Daniel Adam Bergstein

By: Emily Winter

Topics: Books

Tags: blogging twilight, facebook chat, dan bergstein