The Sparklers' Guide to Winter Wear

Sparklers, winter is fast approaching! For many of you, this will mean changes in your wardrobe. But tread cautiously: there are many disturbing garments you'll need to avoid. For example:

Dickeys. These are turtlenecks that are not turtlenecks. Here’s how it works: when worn under a sweater, a dickey looks just like a real turtleneck. But when you take off the sweater: surprise! The dickey stops below the collarbone. Yikes! There is something scary about this. If you love dickeys and yet you don’t want to freak out your friends, just be sure to wear yours on a day when you don’t have gym class.

Arm warmers, or fingerless gloves. These are for people who get really cold forearms and palms, but their fingers are just fine. You get a pass for wearing these because they allow you to better grip a pencil, or the steering wheel of your car when you’re swerving to miss a pedestrian. Arm warmers and fingerless gloves also impart a certain bohemian look—a look that says, “I couldn’t afford enough yarn to knit myself a full pair of gloves, and yet I’m willing to write you a poem.” In other words, they are good for romantics.

Wearing your ski pass on your winter jacket all season long. Okay, we get it. Your parents are rich. You can afford to go to Aspen every year and spend winter break there. Fine. Would you also like to wear the menu of the restaurant you went to last night around your neck? That way all your classmates can see the price of the seafood risotto you ordered, which you did not split with your sister, because she ordered her own, after which both of you pooled your leftovers and fed them to the dog. You probably wouldn’t want to display that menu, so please don’t wear your ski pass, either. Make your ski trip your own little warm secret. You’ll still have Aspen, and what’s more, you’ll also have friends.

Face mask. This is the full-head hat with little holes cut out for your eyes and mouth. The face-mask hat is a fashion item preferred by armed robbers, and it generally comes in two threatening colors: navy blue or black. Every face-mask hat also comes with a guaranteed aura of creepiness. There are many creepy aspects of of the face-mask hat, not the least of which is the nose-free look of the thing. You will be lucky if you get past the front door of your high school wearing a face-mask hat, so it’s probably best to save yours for snowmobiling trips, where the only things you might scare off are raccoons or black bears.

Moon boots. If you are wearing moon boots to school, chances are you’re on a fast track to becoming a full-blown hipster artist type, which is maybe what you were after. But have you considered what will happen if there’s a fire and you need to exit the building quickly? You will likely be the last one out the door, and not without falling on your face a number of times. Also be aware that if you are seen trying to run in moon boots, this will automatically cancel out any hipness quotient you may have accumulated by choosing to wear them in the first place. Tip: you are not on the moon. You are on earth. On earth there is gravity, and gravity will do its best to trip you up when you’re wearing puffy, oversized boots.

Do you own any ridiculous winter gear?

Related Post: Weather Girl From Across the World