The Cafeteria? More Like The Den of Love

Saying that the cafeteria is only for eating is like saying that your bedroom is only for sleeping, or your underground secret prison is only for being an evil mastermind. The lunch room is more than just a place to chow down on industrial-grade food and prepackaged cupcakes. It is a room of mystery and wonder. In fact, the cafeteria is not about food at all. It's about life. And it needs a more accurate name. May we suggest:

The Den of Love
Maybe it's the relaxed atmosphere. Maybe it's the rise in blood sugar. Maybe it's the way the veggies in the "Mixed Vegetable Medley" rub up against each other in such a lustful manner. Whatever the reason, the lunchroom is filled with flirting. Some of it is subtle, like when a guy looks at a girl and then quickly looks away when the girl looks back at him. Some of it is gratuitous, like when a girl sits on a guy's lap and then they start rubbing each others' backs as if they were incorrectly treating areas of frostbite. (Never rub frostbite!) Look around the cafeteria. There is more sexual tension here than in any Jane Austen book or movie starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey.

The Place of Miracles
The cafeteria can be your last hope for completing homework or studying for an afternoon test, or both. It might be hard to ignore your loud, obnoxious friends. But who knows? Maybe you'll be the first student ever to cram a semester's worth of information into your brain in 30 minutes. And if you're not, you can always finish up during the four minutes between classes. And maybe you'll get lucky and there will be a fire drill during your next class. This could be the best day of your life! (Warning: It will not be the best day of your life. It will suck. You will get nothing accomplished. Also, now your textbook smells like beef.)

The Den of Secrets and Lies
After spending the previous three hours collecting valuable information about your fellow students, the cafeteria is your only place to share this data with your allies. But be careful. Half of what's said during lunch is a lie, meant to distract you from the real issues. Plus, someone close to you is working for the enemy. If your so-called best friend says, "Be careful. You can't trust anyone," then s/he is the double agent! Basically, it's an episode of 24. (A good episode, from the first season. Not a crappy episodes from every season after that.)

The War Room
Time in the cafeteria can be used to arrange and prepare for non-school activities. You can hash out solutions to problems such as:

Will your band be able to rehearse in Tyler's basement?

Who will stand in line to buy the movie tickets?

Can someone drive you home after school? And will they allow for a trip to the taco stand?

Where will go after prom (even if prom is five months away)?

How will you get your notebook back from Lisa, if Lisa is going to Vancouver for a week?

All of these problems, and more, will be solved during lunch. In fact, cafeteria strategy sessions are so effective, most teens could solve our nation's problems in one lunch period, and instead of pages and pages of boring bills and Congressional reports, the only paperwork produced would be a a doodle of a scary smiley face sketched on a book cover next to the phrase, "MATH SUX!" written in bubble letters.

Which new name do you prefer? Or would you like to suggest one of your own?

Related post: Hot Lunch or BYO?: The Food Feud