Dagger University: The Best Worst Years of Your Life

This is the scenario. It is Friday night. It is your first week of college. It is 7:43 pm. You are alone in your dorm room, and you are some combination of the following:

• nauseous

• ever so lonesome

• paralyzed by a sense of imminent doom

• covered in gummy bears

• dead

• undead, zombie-style

• winsomely attractive

• incapable of doing a lot of really important s*@#

• Batman

Down the hall, you can hear the gleeful laughter of your college compatriots, who are having the time of their lives while you slump in your squeaky desk chair and check Facebook for the 47th time. Your phone shows no calls and no texts. Your door, propped open invitingly, doesn’t seem to be attracting the hoards of friends that you’d imagined. You have eaten three bags of Doritos, an entire pack of Marshmallow Pies, and one apple, which your mom sent you in a box labeled “AWESOME CARE PACKAGE.” You miss your friends, you’ve already watched every DVD you own, your roommate ran off to a foam party at Delta Zelta, and you are desperately afraid of the showers and the laundry room. The best part? You have four more years of this to look forward to.

And there you have it. College in a nutshell. Scared? Not nearly scared enough.

I’M KIDDING. Mostly. So quit hyperventilating, grab some more Doritos, and allow me to introduce myself. Dagger is the name, and giving you college advice is the game. I just wrapped up four years at a university which shall henceforth be referred to as DaggerTown, aka Dagger’s House, aka the University of Dagger, and I would love nothing more than to use my expertise at embarrassment, excellence, and edible homework to help you make the most out of your college years.

Every Tuesday I’ll be responding to your college-related questions, and hopefully guiding you down the proverbial path to greatness. So send your problems, deeply distinguished cries for help, and half-full bags of Doritos to advice@sparknotes.com. I can’t wait to hear from you.

Much Love,
Chelsea Dagger

Related Post: Nothing compares to Chelsea's new college column. Sorry.