If there's one thing we love here at SparkNotes, it's science. Beakers! Bunsen burners! Things preserved in formaldehyde that look just a bit like our Aunt Gertrude! But no matter how hard we try, we still can't secure funding for our very important scientific study on the effects of an all-pickle diet on the average cheerleader. And now we know why: all the money is being used up by various silly adults, who are convinced that their study will totally be the one to finally determine which extracurricular activities are turning you guys into drunken, thuggish derelicts. (We thought it was just your music! But...no.)
The latest cause for hysteria comes out of Cleveland, where, according to this article, boys who play high school sports are more likely to drink and fight than boys who don't. Said one author of the study, “The generalizations about how positive and safe sports are may not be warranted.”
(This author then retreated to her fainting couch, where she disinfected her entire body using antibacterial baby wipes and clutched a string of pearls until she felt better.)
Needless to say, the study has its share of holes—like the simultaneous discovery, based on the same research, that boys who don't play sports are more likely to smoke cigarettes or suffer from depression. Gosh, that's weird, isn't it? According to the data, it's almost like kids who like to get physical (i.e. fight) are drawn to activities involving physical contact, whereas non-physical pacifist kids are more likely to write angry poetry and sneak away during lunch to suck on cancer sticks...
... but that would just make too much sense.
It's more reasonable to conclude that playing sports turns average teenagers into violence-worshipping anger-bombs. It's SCIENCE!
So, which are you—blotto brawler, sad smoker, or "person who thinks this study is more ridiculous than a mountain goat wearing a bikini"? Tell us in the comments!
Post a comment!