Sparklers, you may not know this, but we're experts at failure. Below are some lessons we learned the hard way.
How to Fail at Driving: While backing out of your driveway, calmly look into your rear view mirror and confirm that the coast is clear. Then knock over three trashcans, take out your neighbor’s mailbox, and crash directly into the three-story treehouse your father spent nine years building. Lay your head on your steering wheel and sob quietly for a solid hour.
Next, drive through your yard (make sure to destroy your mother’s tomato plants, which she loves more than anything, including you) and enter the highway, sniffling only occasionally and groovin’ to the smooth sounds of decade-old N’SYNC. Think to yourself, “Hey, things are finally going my way.” Take a cheerful swig from your Nalgene full of red Kool-Aid. And then hit a horse. On the highway. The horse is fine, but you are now soaked in cherry food coloring and madder than Bella Swan when she’s showered with gifts and given a full college scholarship. Get out of your car, pop your trunk, grab your trusty Babe Ruth Slugger bat, and charge that reckless animal, screaming, “I’LL SEND YOU BACK TO THE FARM IN A GLUE BOX, BABY.”
That should pretty much do it. Oh: and your windshield wipers are irreparably damaged. The radio predicts a torrential downpour. Added bonus: you don’t even have a license. Mission: FAILED.
How to Fail at Dating: Show up 47 minutes late and realize you are wearing a powder blue tuxedo, moon boots, and an authentic Mexican sombrero. Smack your head against the closest wall, then straighten your lapels, tilt your hat at a rakish 45 degree angle, and sprint into the restaurant/bowling alley/creepy apartment complex where your date is waiting. Skid to a stop right in front of your date, wheezing like Piggy in Lord of the Flies, and gasp out the following phrase: “OhmygawdI’msosorryI’mlatebutwhathadhappenedwasthatameteorhitmyhouseandthenmymathteachersaidIwasincapableofalot
ofreallyimportantstuffandthenIgottrappedinmyownlockerandthenIdied.SORRYSORRYSORRY.” Make sure to say this all in one breath, or you will risk seeming logical, sane, and proficient at speaking. Next, as your date gapes at you with unbridled disgust, use the edge of the tablecloth to wipe your obscenely sweaty forehead, and get the bright idea to attempt that one magic trick where you pull the cloth out from under all the dishes and wave it in the air with flourish and flare. The lack of grip on your failure-and-sweat-soaked hands practically guarantees catastrophe, and in no time flat, $589 worth of fine china lies broken on the floor.
Your date is also on the floor, army-crawling toward the exit. You, being resourceful and creepy, nail your date in the head with the bread basket so he/she is too dizzy to escape, and order the Lobster Feast with a side of 14K Gold Filet Mignon. “Put it on my tab, Smithers,” becomes your motto of the evening. Mission: FAILED.
How to Fail at Working: Get a job at the classiest business in town. On the first day, arrive an hour early, break into the building using a bobby pin and the skills of a misspent youth (read: throw a brick through a plate-glass window), and construct a life-size castle using double-sided tape, customer complaint forms, and a staple gun. When your new co-workers filter in, you should be seated on a throne crafted from cash you’ve stolen from the vault. Greet everyone by magnanimously proclaiming: “I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ. YOU MAY NOW WORSHIP AT MY FEET.” Then turn on some Jackson 5 and do a little dance that involves a lot of clapping, jumping up and down, excessively unprofessional gyrating, and at least one “voluntary” assistant, preferably Milton from accounting.
End the show by knee-sliding across the office and directly into your boss’s fragile shins. As he topples head-first into the nearest garbage can, exclaim, “AND THAT’S WHAT I CALL TAKING OUT THE TRASSSHHHH.” Raise both hands for high fives. Get none. Build a bigger castle, and repeat. Mission: FAILED.
How to Fail at Life, Overall: Be a vampire. Or, even worse, be a whiny teenager whose only goal in life is to become a vampire. Say stuff like, “Screw college, I just wanna chow down on some grungy forest animals, you catch my drift?” Or, “Dude, I am about to get all up in your facial space while still keeping it entirely PG.” (Insert half-hearted vulgar hip thrust here.) Mission: FAILED TIMES ONE MILLION.
Are you an expert at failing?
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By: Chelsea_Dagger
Topics: Guides
Tags: awkward things, failure
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