Hello again. Right now you may be thinking, "Didn't we just do this whole question-listen-answer thing a couple of days ago?" Well, let me reassure you that your brain is not deceiving you. Your computer is not trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Heck, you’re not even wearing a wool hat, or any other cranial accoutrement. We had so many fantastic questions this week, that we've decided to offer a double-dose of yours truly. So on we go, with no deception, no tricks, no wool pulled, onward!
I'm writing to you because 1) you don't know me and won't judge me like the people I DO know would, and 2) you probably know about this from the letters you get—so that being said, I want to know more about cutting. Yes, weird question, I know. Especially coming from me, because I am in all ways happy with my life! I'm a freshman at university this year making awesome grades and I have awesome friends and an awesome family that even lives nearby! So naturally I wasn't expecting THIS scenario: My roommate went home last night and left me alone at the dorm, where I proceeded to sink into a spiral of moodiness and before I knew it, I was actually cutting my wrist. I've never personally known anyone who does this, and I've always thought it was a ridiculously counter-productive way to deal with your problems, but at the time, it was totally making sense (no, I'm not on anything). And today I've been going around with this slash on my wrist, and all I can think is "Imacutter-imacutter-ohmygodimacutter..." while at the same time I almost kind of like having it there. But that is NOT who I am!! Why have I done this?? I guess there's no way you'll be able to tell me exactly what my deal is from this email, and in all honesty I probably won't be able to bring myself to talk to any kind of professional if you tell me to do that, so I just want to know like, what sort of reasons people have for doing this, what they generally should do to stop, if they should stop at all, etc. Is it dangerous, or habit-forming? Is it common to just... experiment? Like I said, I don't know anyone who's done this and I don't feel comfortable asking anybody else... I'm lost here.
Well, even if you claim you aren't going to take my advice, I still want to say it, just in case: If you are feeling depressed or angry or sad or lonely and these feelings won’t go away, you should really talk to a therapist or other professional counselor about it. Especially if these feelings make you injure yourself. There are a lot of reasons why people cut themselves, but in my experience it’s usually a way to cope with pain that they don’t otherwise know how to deal with. That pain could be caused by any number of things: the pressures of school, trouble with parents, a relationship gone awry, or the feeling of being stuck in a particular situation. Oftentimes it's several factors working together. You can find out a lot more about cutting here. You are right that it is counter-productive, because it is in essence a destructive act. And I want to assure you that it is both dangerous (you could end up in the hospital if you cut yourself too deeply) and habit-forming because it often brings on a false sense of relief that your brain eventually craves. I’m not sure how common it is to experiment with cutting, but in any case I think you should try to nip it in the bud before it gets serious. One of the main things you can do is try to figure out what made you cut yourself, and then address that problem specifically instead of the pain it is causing. If no problems spring to mind, you might want a therapist or counselor to help you talk through your feelings and self-harming motives. If you don’t want to speak to a professional, you should still tell someone, either a close friend or the college doctor or nurse, or even a professor that you trust. You want to find someone who will listen to you on a regular basis and support you through whatever emotional turmoil is causing you to cut yourself. I hope you'll talk to someone soon. Take care of yourself!
Well let’s just say I started high school swim team... Before that I was on a recreational team. I thought that high school swim team would be lots of fun! I have two girl coaches and it seems like they are always PMSing or something. Today they yelled at us for losing a meet! Before our first meet one of the coaches told us not to stress and try our best. Afterward, they yelled at us, they left! So we started to swim without our coach. We have this assistant coach who wants to help our team be better (let’s just say my team hasn't been good since the ‘70s). But I guess he's a creeper or something. Then he helped us, so finally the other coaches came back and yelled at the poor guy! So he left. Then our coach started being all nice! She doesn't seem to be a very good coach! She told us that if we want to be on here, then were in the right place. If we joined swim team to spice up our lives, we should quit. I don't think she enjoys being a coach! Then she left! That’s a hypocrite! On the old recreational team my coach would make me want to swim by being encouraging. He is the best coach in my state. Also, like a week ago, my new coach was gossiping about me to other people on the team. She said that the only time that I'll swim is when I want to. Sometimes I have to get out of the pool because I get horrible headaches. It’s from all these medications I have to take. Also I haven't gotten much sleep because some crazy things happened to me. I kind of want to quit high school swim team and go back on the other team. I really can't handle the drama at this moment! I've had things happen to me that have changed my life. I kind of want to tell my coach that I'm not weak I've just had things happen. I don't know what to do!
Unless you have dreams of becoming an Olympian, I’d probably leave the drama of the high school team behind and head back to the recreational team, pronto. In my opinion, playing sports in high school should be fun—a way to relieve stress, make friends, and get exercise. If you’re not enjoying it and it’s only adding stress to your life, you’re probably better off without it. Your coach is obviously a big part of the problem. She seems to be taking everything waaaay too seriously and also acting pretty immature. Yelling and leaving in a huff are rarely effective motivational techniques, so it’s no surprise the team isn’t doing that well. If you don’t want to leave the team straight away, try to talk to your coach and tell her how you feel, because at this point you have nothing to lose. She might cut you some slack or change her ways, but if she doesn’t sympathize, I’d bust out of there ASAP. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life, and being on this team is only making things more complicated.
I get pretty decent grades in school. I always get mostly A's and a couple of B's, and all of my classes are either honors or AP. Bad thing is, this semester, I'm getting a C in physics. Science has always been my worst subject, no matter how hard I try I can never manage to get anything higher than a low B (even after hours of studying alone, in groups, or with a buddy, or with the teacher). I've tried everything possible (sticky notes, index cards, plain notes on paper, hands-on activities, etc.). In all physics classes there are only two B's and the rest D's or C's for the final semester grade. My parents can't help because they can't speak English at all. Two times I failed (with D's) the science mid-term, not actual core grades and that was in the 6th and 7th grade, to this day my mother randomly makes me feel guilty about it by rubbing it in my face and comparing me to others. My parents are basically allergic to anything lower than a B. I need advice on two things: How am I supposed to be able to get better at science? And how am I supposed to get my parents to understand that it isn't easy for me to get good grades in science?
Been there! When I was in high school, I was horrible at calculus. No amount of studying or teacher-bribing seemed to help. I think the basic problem was that, as a word nerd, I fundamentally didn’t care very much about advanced math. Maybe you feel that way about science. Sometimes a lack of enthusiasm for the subject matter can make it hard for you to do well. In that case, you might want to try forcing yourself to care more about science. Spend more time studying for it, reading articles about it, and trying to understand how physics applies to real life (because it does, in many ways). If that doesn’t work, consider working with a tutor—maybe another student in your class—who can help you wrangle the formulas and understand the sometimes abstract concepts. Your other option is to resign yourself to the fact that you aren’t good at science. Pour your energy into things that you do like, and which you are good at. You’ll have to explain this to your parents, of course. Part of your approach can be that no one is good at every single subject, and while you will certainly try your best, you can’t promise that you are going to do as well in science as in other subjects. However, I recommend trying to get more psyched about science before giving up on it. Good luck!
I was asked in class to read out the answer to a question. I was supposed to stand up and read it out. But I got incredibly nervous. As soon as I stood up, my knees started to shake. I started to read but my voice got all high-pitched and I stuttered a bit. I was sweating a lot. I couldn’t focus on what I was reading and all I could think of was how fast my heart was beating. I finished finally and sat down in a daze. I have always had stage fright but it has never hit me quite so hard. Now, the big problem is that I have to present a project in the same class next month. This time I have to stand in front of the whole class and it won’t be just reading aloud from a book, I’ll have to face the other students and it will actually be a bit like teaching a lesson. I’m really worried about it. I’m afraid I’ll mess up again. I really wanna get rid of my stage fright. What do you think I should do about it?
Practice, practice, practice! Stage fright is a common malady, and the easiest way to get over it is to put yourself in that terrifying situation as often as possible. Instead of waiting until your next big presentation to speak in front of people, try out your speech in front of your friends and family. Start small, with one or two people in the audience, and work your way up to eight or ten people—or more, if you can corral them in your kitchen for long enough. You need to build up your self-confidence and get comfortable performing (because that’s what you’re doing, really) in front of others, and it’s only through repeated action that you’ll get better. Of course, you can also try the age-old trick of imagining everyone in the audience in their underwear, but that might make you really embarrassed and take your concentration off the important subject at hand.
I know you probably get emails like this all the time, and you're probably not going to answer mine. But what the heck, I'll ask anyway. It's EXTREMELY important to me. All right. So. I like this guy (that's how they all start out, right?) and I have no idea how to deal with it. It's been three years since the last time I've felt like this about anyone besides my former boyfriend, so honestly, I forgot what it feels like to have a crush on somebody. It took me a long time before I realized why I felt all funny inside when I saw this one guy... this one random guy out of the crowd... but once I figured it out, I decided to TRY to do something about it. Problem is, I can't for the life of me figure out how to! See, I almost never see him because he's a couple grades below mine, but he's only two years younger than me so there's no problem, right? Wrong. I'm very shy and worried about what other people would think if they knew I like him, and that certainly doesn't help matters much. Not only is he younger than me, but he's a little shorter, too, and I know people would talk. Anyway, I really think that if somebody could work me through this he might start to like me (I know lots about him but I don't know his name—although the name doesn't make the character). I have tried so hard to get somebody to help and no one is willing to, so not only do I have no idea how to do this, but I'm feeling quite alone right now, too. And he's the sweetest guy, too... I'm sure his life events have had something to do with that. See, he lives in basically a shack of a house, he has to wear the same clothes almost every day because he doesn't have many more, and there's something wrong with his hip, so he walks a little different. He's sweet because he knows what real pain is, but people my age think he's a freak. I beg to differ, and not only do I want to be with him, and get to know him more, and make him feel better (he always seems sad), but that's why I'm so worried that I'll lose what little reputation I DO have.... I know, though, that in the end, my reputation doesn't matter at all like being with him would matter, because I know we're perfect for each other, and we both need somebody in our lives to make us happy, and he's such a special person... ok. To get to the point here so you don't think I'm rambling on: I would really appreciate some help. I have nowhere else to turn to, since I've already tried everyone I know and they have no interest in helping. I've read many of your posts and I think you're great at giving advice, so... please. I beg you. Please help me.
OK, before you make any moves on this sweet guy, I think your goal should be to become friends with him. While you do know a few things about him, most of your judgments are based on his appearance—how he looks, where he lives, how he walks. You should probably get to know his personality a little before you decide that you’re perfect for each other. Make sure you actually like him as a person, and that you're not just feeling sorry for him because of his difficult life situation. Fortunately, it's easy to become friends with a guy. All you need to do is talk to him. Ideally you'd have some common ground to use as a conversation topic. If you are complete strangers at this point, your best bet is to just get near him and comment on something you are both experiencing. Maybe the lunch line is super long? Maybe the library is unusually empty for a Wednesday afternoon? Maybe it's taking forever for the bus to arrive? Maybe the leaves on the trees are really lovely in the midday light? Just say SOMETHING. At this point, you pretty much need to break the ice by any means necessary, then introduce yourself and find out his name. Once the initial conversation is over with, you can start talking more regularly when you meet up in the halls. Over time you may become friends. You can use this period to see how your romantic feelings for him develop. But I wouldn't bank on a relationship just yet. That all being said, I'm glad you're not worried about your reputation and what other people might think about you, him, and the prospect of you and him together. That's an excellent attitude to have about life in general. And to allay your concerns, dating a shorter guy is no big deal. It's what's on the inside that counts.
For this last question, I'm going to turn things over to fellow SparkLife writer and advice-giver, Emily. But, rest assured, I've listened thoroughly.
So i would bet you've never been asked this before: How do I become more mean? My parents always stressed kindness, community service, being polite etc, and I've turned into a walking talking compassion machine. And I hate it. Its affecting every part of my life. For field hockey, I've actually been pulled aside by my coach and been told 'to stop being so nice' because I refused to push the girl back who pushed me. I'm agressive, but I won't push or be physical, which is a large part of the game. And as for my love life, whenever a guy starts talking to me, I don't have the heart to turn him away, cause who wants to be heartbroken> I always text back with non-flirty, just polite answers, but I guess because I don't say anything mean or turn them away they don't get it ! And on top of all this, I'm rather intelligent. The night before a test and/or a project, I get 1000 calls from classmates asking for help on questions. And I answer every single one, because I know if I need help I'd want them to help me. On more than one occasion I've been up past 2 o'clock just helping the procrastinators out. Because I couldn't be mean enough to say no. Please help me mean up Chris. I know you are rather kind yourself, but I'm sure you can help me!
Hey, Sparkler. I hope it’s okay that I’m tackling this question for Chris. I went through a similar experience in high school, and I am really excited to share with you what I learned: The good news is, you don’t have to be mean to stand up for yourself (and you definitely DO need to stand up for yourself because it sounds like people are taking advantage of you). All you have to do is be honest, firm, and direct…and if all else fails, use my secret weapon (more on that later). To avoid conflict, many people communicate with subtext and passive aggressiveness instead of being honest and direct. You don’t want to communicate like that—it only begets more passive aggressiveness and will make your valid concerns appear petty. Honesty can be both refreshing and jarring, but most people agree that the truth is ultimately good, even if it stings. It’s important to be firm, too, so as not to leave wiggle room. If a guy who has a crush on you hears you’re 80 percent sure he’s a butthead, he’ll stick around, hoping that 20 percent of non-buttheadness blossoms into all-consuming love. Firmly, honestly, and directly tell your peers (one-on-one, out of respect for them) that you can no longer stay up late helping with last-minute questions because it’s not fair to you. It’s important that you’re not mean or catty when you talk to them. You don’t need to muddle the issue by saying things that are meant to be hurtful. Two more tips: Never say, “I hope you understand,” or “I hope we can still be friends.” These sentences give the other person undue power because they essentially mean, “Now that you can’t take advantage of me anymore, am I worth anything to you? I really hope I am. I’m scared of losing you.” Being honest will definitely reveal who your real friends are, and that can be hard, but you don’t need to beg for forgiveness just for standing up for yourself. You have the power, after all, because you have the answers to the upcoming test and the ability to say “no.”
If, no matter what you say, people still try to argue with you, use my secret weapon sentence: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Essentially, “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a polite way of saying, “I disagree, but this isn’t my problem, so I’m not going to waste time fighting about it.” The sentence works like magic because it usually leaves the other person at a complete loss for words, and you’ll be able to end the conversation pretty quickly.
Crushing? Cutting? Scared of the spotlight? Write to chris@sparknotes.com.
Related Post: Tough Times, Wiccan Beliefs, and Gay Best Friends
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
Tags: parents, sports, science, dating, grades, depression, public speaking, cutting, peer pressure, saying no
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