Twilight Tie-Ins That Make Sense

There are just a few weeks left until the premier of New Moon, and all over the country, advertising executives are sitting in offices, racking their brains over the whole “Twilight” phenomenon.

Ad Exec #1: Hey, I hear that kids these days are really into sparkly vampires.
Ad Exec #2: Sparkly what? Albert, are you drunk again?
Ad Exec #1: No, I'm dead serious! Sparkly vampires, Bob! Apparently the entire thing is just an extended metaphor for teen abstinence, but they freakin' love it.
Ad Exec #2: Really? Let's look it up on the Google.
(pause)
Ad Exec #2: Sweet peacocks! You're right! We'd better take this love of sparkly vampires and create an ad campaign around it, immediately!
Ad Exec #1: Yes! YES! But... for what product?
Ad Exec #2: All of them, Albert. ALL OF THEM.

What we're saying, Twilight lovers, is that you have only yourselves to blame for this:

What drives Edward? A Volvo! Get it? Because, like, that's his car? And it... like... drives him? Literally. That Volvo drives Edward. (Somewhere, Bob and Albert just high-fived and shrieked, “Genius! We're geniuses!”)

Your SparkNotes editors can't help feeling that this awkward mash-up of vaguely car-related footage from New Moon is a pretty low-rent attempt at profiting from the Twilight craze. Sure, Edward drives a Volvo—but why? He can't possibly be interested in the safety features. The dude's immortal, after all. Does he like Volvos because they last a long time? Because they come in pretty pretty colors like “Midnight Hunter” and “Bloodlust Red”? Because Volvo starts with a “V,” just like vampire?

Well, whatever—we'll be damned if we're going to let this gravy train pass us by! So we'll just be over here, creating our very own Twilight-themed ad campaigns for awesome products like...

Bella: A New Fragrance from SparkNotes
Everyone knows that Edward was inexorably drawn to the unique scent of Bella's natural she-musk. Now, you can make Edward Cullen want you just as badly, with a perfume that perfectly mimics the vampire-attracting smell of Bella's B.O. One spray, and you, too, can be on your stinky way to a life-altering love affair with a 97-year-old dead man! (Cut to footage of Edward flaring his nostrils and panting with desire.)

Edward Cullen Body Glitter from SparkNotes
You may not be a super-strong vampire who spends his weekends sucking the blood out of big-eyed woodland creatures, but when your pale, hairless chest sparkles in the sun like a diamond-encrusted potato, the ladies won't know the difference. Slather on this Special Edition body glitter, position yourself near a window, and watch as passing females come running. Like bees to honey, bro. (Cut to footage of Edward sparkling in the sun.)

A Wolf, from SparkNotes
You know what's cool? Vampires. You know what else is cool? A WOLF. Buy this WOLF, and the next time somebody is all, “Twilight is so cool,” you'll be able to say, “Yeah, Twilight is okay, but check out this awesome WOLF I've got.” (Cut to footage of Edward Cullen's face superimposed on the body of a WOLF.) (SparkNotes is not responsible for injury or loss of body parts caused by our super-cool wolf.)

Do you want in on this cash cow? Tell us about your can't-miss Twilight product in the comments!

Related post: Premiere Protocol: What to Do at the Opening of New Moon