Chris Listens: Tough Times, Wiccan Beliefs, and Gay Best Friends

Happy November, Sparklers. I received many heartfelt, well-considered, artfully composed electronic missives over the last week and a half, and I want to apologize for not being able to respond to all of them. But let me reiterate that even if I don’t have the time or space to answer every question, I do read every one from the first letter to the last emoticon, and my thoughts are with all of you, especially those who are feeling less than happy right now. If you're feeling down, let someone know (in addition to me!), because that's the surest way to make things better. OK, enough general advice. Let's get specific...

Lately life just seems pretty bad. Maybe it’s cuz 14 is the stage where everything seems bad. Maybe not. All through summer I've changed (according to my friend). I have to agree I have. The thing is, I feel so angry all the time, I never feel happy unless I’m with my friend (she's like my big sister). I've been through a lot ever since junior high started. First cutting (which sometimes I still feel like doing). Then smoking (I quit that with difficulty) and finally running away. All that happened last year. I started going to the counselors after my mom saw what was going on (well... she thinks cutting was a side effect of my meds, and she’s never found out about the smoking part) and for a time everything started going ok. Things at home changed, but then we ran out of money so I quit going to the counselors. Don't think that everything started going downhill at that moment. No, everything was fine for a while... And then at the start of summer break I found myself cooped up while my friends were away so all through summer I was so angry at everyone for this. It got so bad that now every time I’m upset I throw up. Well summer passed, and I thought everything would simmer down when school started. Boy was I wrong. Things started getting bad again at home, my parents would explode on me for every little thing, and then they threatened to call the police if I ran away again. This still goes on from time to time sometimes they say that if I start cutting again they’ll beat me because they think I’m just trying to call attention to myself (funny thing is when they do beat me it doesn’t even hurt anymore) after school started I started to get angrier and angrier and everyone around me is always watching out to see if I’ll explode. I thought maybe it was cuz a girl I really hate was trying to pick a fight with me, but after she moved I realized that it wasn’t the problem. School kept going, my grades dropped, you can imagine, right? Then last month on September 19 my friend and his little brother were killed by their mother, who ultimately turned the gun on herself. I got the call the next morning. Ever since this happened everything got worse... I’m so so so angry at everyone and everything. The littlest things set me off, I've gone so far that I’ve made my best friend cry. That doesn’t happen easily. Then she puts all her problems on me, I've been thinking so much about dying these past few days I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of exploding...

I am so very sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through, and especially about your friend and his little brother. Life can be really sad and horrible sometimes, and you have every right to feel angry and like you are about to explode. Your angry feelings sound to me like they're pretty serious, and I want to recommend that you get help as soon as possible, either through a parent, trusted friend, or school counselor. You absolutely need to let people know how you feel, and it's important that you talk to a professional at this point. You should not keep your feelings bottled up, as they'll only make you feel worse, or they'll come out in other ways, like the throwing up you mentioned. Self-harm is definitely not the answer, and if you are having thoughts of suicide, please call 1-800-442-HOPE right now. You can also visit Save.org or Suicide.org to find other ways to get help. People you know care about you, and I care about you. The best thing you can do is show that you care about yourself by reaching out for help. No matter how hard it is, let someone close to you know how you are feeling. There is hope, and you don’t have to feel bad and angry all the time. Take care of yourself!

Hey, I'm a girl and am in high school. Until now, I never really thought about my sexual orientation. I always just dated guys without a second thought, and it was always okay. But every guy I've ever dated has only wanted to use me for sex. But to go that far, it never felt right enough with any of them. A couple of guys tried to force me, but I always managed to get away. But recently, I've started thinking about girls. I made out with a girl, and I thought it would feel wrong or at least different than making out with a guy, but it didn't. Actually, I liked it. I mean, I still find some guys hot, but I have avoided any kind of relationship with them for the longest time. Like, if a hot girl were to walk up to me right now and tell me to kiss her, I would. But, if a hot guy were to walk up to me and say the same thing, I would hesitate. I’m so confused. Am I just turning to girls because I've been hurt too many times by guys and feel like they wont hurt me? Or is it like for real??

First, let me say that I’m glad that you didn’t have sex before you were ready, and I’m very happy that you were able to get away from guys who tried to force you to do something. You did the right thing. It’s certainly possible that your bad experiences with guys have made you think about girls, but it’s probably not enough on its own to make you physically attracted to them. There’s likely some natural predisposition there, too. And so if your body tells you that you are attracted to girls, then there’s a distinct possibility that this is “for real.” But that doesn’t mean you are obligated to do anything about it at the moment. You do not have to say, “I am gay” or “I am straight” or “I am bisexual” or anything like that. All you have to do is be willing to accept that your sexual orientation might not be what you thought it was. And it seems like you are open to that. You should also be willing to give yourself time to grow and have a variety of experiences and see how your feelings for girls and guys develop. You shouldn't feel pressured to make any kind of decision about your sexuality, because chances are your body will let you know what’s up. If time passes and you are still feeling really confused, I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone, such as a counselor or therapist, because it helps to express your thoughts out loud to an objective listener. But at the moment I think you should just act on how you feel and see what happens.

I recently began to follow a Wiccan path. I have already told my parents, and they accept that, even though they aren't Wiccan. The problem is that I go to an Episcopalian school, and my parents have forbidden me to tell anyone. This would be fine, but the people at my school are really nosey and keep asking me what my religion is (rude, right). I am a very truthful person, and I am starting to feel really freaked out about constantly lying or saying "No, I can't tell you," which just makes them more curious and ends with me quickly changing the subject. I am really uncomfortable about the whole thing, because I am usually the kind of person who isn't afraid to share her beliefs, no matter what. I'm starting to get really paranoid any time someone mentions witches, which is fairly often since Halloween is so close. Should I come out of the broom closet and share if someone asks or not?

Now that Halloween has passed, hopefully the witch references have died down a bit. I’m glad that you are very open and willing to share your beliefs, and it’s great that you told your parents, and that they accept you. In forbidding you to tell everyone at school, they are probably just trying to make your life easier. They may feel that people at school will a) not understand your choice, b) try to make you believe something else, c) make fun of you for your belief, or d) all of the above. And they may be right. Religion is a very touchy subject, and different people will have vastly different reactions to another person’s beliefs. But I don’t think you should be categorically forbidden from telling people about your Wiccan beliefs. You just have to ask yourself how much work you want to put into defending and/or explaining those beliefs, because people might not get it right away. If you’d rather live your life and not be defined by your beliefs, you might tell only the people who are closest to you, or those you suspect would understand. If people ask you about your religion and you prefer not to tell them, you can say, “Well, I go to an Episcopalian school, don’t I?” (technically, you're not answering their question). Or you could simply answer, “None of your beeswax.”

I have an interesting problem. My life is actually pretty good right now, I'm doing well in school, I have great friends, and a wonderful family. The problem is my house, or more specifically, the stuff in it. Have you taken a look at your attic recently? You know that junk? The junk that's just there, and no one knows what it is or what to do with it? So you ignore it. And that's all fine and good and dandy because it's in the attic. But that sort of junk is currently all over my house. And it has been all over my house for quite some time now. It started when my mother went back to work. We were all very happy for her, and she liked her job, and we liked money, so that was fine. But that meant that she wasn't home all day, and no one was cleaning. We'd pitch in to do the dishes and the basic cleaning, but things piled up on the to-do list of life, and after things like vacations or sporting events, no one would put away the things we had used. Then my grandmother died. We received a lot of furniture from her, and we had planned to sell our furniture. But in came the new furniture and our old couches, tables, and chairs never left. Add in two sisters coming and going from college, and leaving vast amounts of clothes, magazines, caution tape, and parking meters, and before we even realized what was going on, our house was an unfathomable mess. So my mother and I set out to try and tidy up. We cleaned the den, got rid of a lot of things, and got very organized and neat. It looked awesome and we felt awesome. Then we tackled the basement. We got rid of a lot of things, and got very organized and neat. We did that by moving everything to the downstairs. And thus, the problem. Almost every break I have from school my mom and I have spent cleaning rooms. We go through everything, get rid of whatever we don't need, and have everything put neatly away. But it never seems to make any difference. We must have done the entire house 3 times now, and it still looks like a moving van hit a flea market. It's incredibly frustrating. I haven't had my friends over to my house in 3 years, and it looks like I'll be hitting the downstairs again for Thanksgiving. How can I escape The Twilight Zone?

Parking meters, huh? At least you don’t have any cars parked in your living room. Cleaning and straightening and organizing won't solve the problem if you simply have more physical objects than space. I recommend a three-pronged approach. The first step is to hold a garage and/or yard sale to get rid of the stuff you don’t want and don’t have room to store. Next, bring any unsold items from the sale to your local Goodwill or Salvation Army. You probably wouldn’t have sold them for much anyway, and you can use your charitable donation to feel good and get a tax write-off. (Make sure you get a receipt when you donate.) If after these two steps your living room still resembles an antique store that collided with a souvenir shop, you should consider renting a storage space for all the things you never (or rarely) use. You can rent storage spaces by the month and not have to worry about parting with the objects that have sentimental value. In fact, it’s possible to keep an entire collection of furniture in your storage space and change up your interior décor once a year. The best part about not getting rid of this stuff is that when you move to your own (more organized) place someday, you won’t have to spring for new furniture.

So I go to an all-girls school and really don't have a problem with it. But recently, my best friend came out to me and told me that she was totally in love with me. When I heard this, I wanted to cry. I was literally floored. I'm not gay and I do support gay rights. It's just that she's my BEST FRIEND and I love her in the platonic friend way. I now have no idea how to maintain that relationship anymore and I don't want to lose that relationship completely. It's just awkward and I feel like things won't be the same again. SO awkward. Also, I know that she's going to need help coming out and I want to be there for her especially since she's been there for me in my time of need. Any advice of what I should do? Would be much appreciated. Ah, did I mention it's awkward?

I’m really glad to hear that you want to be there for your best friend. The decision to come out is an extremely difficult one for any person, but it is especially hard for a teenager. It’s really important for her to have support when she comes out, and it may make the whole process easier for her, so make sure you tell her that she can count on you. The most important thing for you to remember is that your friend is still the same person she was before. As for her romantic feelings toward you, you have to tell her as clearly as possible that you are not gay and that you do not think of her as anything but a very close platonic friend. It may be hard for her to accept these facts, which means things will be awkward for a while. But if you are completely honest with her and don't leave any room for misinterpretation, there’s a good chance that she will eventually come to terms with the idea of being just friends. At that point, hopefully your relationship will return to normal. It'll take some time, but I am confident that your friendship will survive. Check out the website for Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for information that can help you and your friend.

I have a serious clash between my studies and my relationship with my boyfriend. This is my first relationship. I am nearly 16 years old. We have been together for a month, and I feel that his entrance in my life is disturbing other regular activities, like music, reading, doing homework. He is more than obsessed with me. I love him very much, but I really can't continue. It has affected my studies and my performance in tests lately, as well. I want to convince him on breaking up, but I really don't know how to do that, because I think it will break his heart. He might even think I'm just making excuses because maybe I've found another guy. I am really confused about this. Please help me make a satisfactory decision.

I think you need to be honest with this boy, and soon. And you shouldn’t have to "convince" him to break up. You are allowed to break up with him, and that’s that—he doesn’t have to give you permission. If you’ve only been together for a month and you already know it’s not going to work out, then it’s probably best to end things now. You might break his heart, but if you let the relationship continue, breaking up with him later will cause his heart to shatter into a billion pieces, some of which will get lost under the couch. Plus you will only continue to neglect the other activities that mean a lot to you, and that's not good, either. So take a few deep breaths, gather up all your courage, and tell the guy that it's over.

I don't think I can explain how out of character it is for me to write this but here it goes: I try really hard at my school. I'm a senior and I've taken several AP classes over the past two years, I take a class at an Ivy League university now even, I babysit two kids twice a week (every week), and somehow I balance that with clubs and an A average. Now that I seem like a bragging snob, my real problem seems to be my parents. I don't work quite as much as my siblings have (including my twin sister), so it's not uncommon for me to be called names like "lazy" when compared to my sister because I'm not awake at 3am writing a Spanish essay (I dropped Spanish this year). I've kind of gotten used to it over the years being a twin, obviously things get compared a lot so I usually shrug it off. Generally, I'm not the type of person to talk about this type of stuff at all but it has really been getting to me recently. My parents have never been the most supportive people in the world, but it wears down on me after a while. It's not that I don't appreciate them making me try hard but I never once have heard a "good job" or "you've earned it" from them. My sister got a B+ last year in a math class and they told her she tried her best since math is her worst subject. I got a B+ sophomore year in my Biology class and my mom brought it up for over a year, knowing science is my worst subject. I just don't know how to communicate that I in fact need some support from them from time to time, or rather get myself to a point where I can live without it. I've already tried to talk to my parents about it but they deny it and just say, "Well, it's true," when I mention all of the negative things they say instead. I don't talk to my friends about it because I don't want to sound like I'm whiny and I've tried talking to my guidance counselor but he didn't seem to understand. I probably do sound whiny right now, but it's so hard to be proud of my work to just have it be compared to my sister's, whether it's better or worse. I don't want to think about how I'm racking up against my siblings, I want to do my work without actually feeling like I'm making my sister look bad if I do something better because she gets her share of all of this too. I just feel so overwhelmed right now while applying for colleges and having my parents keep commenting how my sister has more stuff to put down as extracurriculars. I know I have to build my nonexistent self-confidence but it seems harder when it's your parents being unsupportive and not just your peers.

Hey there, you are not whining. Everyone deserves to have supportive parents! I think you should try talking with them again, but make your case in a different way. You want them to understand the full scope of your feelings. I think you have a very mature perspective on the situation, and you have outlined your concerns in a very compelling and reasonable way in your email. What if you take the question you've written to me and put it into a letter to them? I think the only way to improve this relationship is through some frank discussion wherein you (if necessary) call out your parents for being unsupportive. Of course, this will not be an easy thing to do, but it sounds like they don't realize how their attitude is affecting you. They might not change their behavior if they don't understand what's going on. You need to make it clear that this is a serious issue and that you are willing to work with them to make things better. Good luck!

Hit a rough patch? Stuck in a rut? Run into a bramble bush? Write to chris@sparknotes.com.

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