November Horoscopes

Happy November! We once again gaze into the future to bring you your monthly horoscopes.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If you see a Gemini, run the other way! These people will bring you nothing but trouble, especially if they whistle. You will drink from someone else's cup during the first week of the month, and come down with a cold during the second week of the month. (You do the math.) Check your essay, because you need a comma in the second sentence. Someone who has the letter E in his/her last name really likes you. However, someone else, who also has the letter E in his/her last name, is just pretending to like you. Use a spoon more often than a fork, and true love will find you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Drink only lukewarm liquids. Be wary of people with last names that are also first names. (e.g. Thomas Jefferson.) Be unwary of people with last names that are also common nouns. (e.g. Stacy Refrigerator.) Something will happen with your ankle, but if we tell you, it will only bum you out. When your relatives ask you how school is going, do not roll your eyes. That's rude. Flare your nostrils instead. (It's less noticeable, and just as satisfying.) Find a better hiding spot for the…you-know-what.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Find the nearest Aries and stand as close to him/her as possible while whistling. Failure to do so will result in severe bad luck. If they run, chase after them. It's your only hope. Your best friend will lie to you about what happened last night, but trust us when we say that you do not want to know what really happened last night. Keep an eye on the inside of your elbow, especially in the morning. If you feel worn out, try blinking less. The energy you save by not blinking could be enough to pep you up. You're not going to wear that outside, are you?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Jumping will only make thinks worse. The good news: Your ability to fly a kite will peak during November. The bad news: If you step outside of your house, bad things will happen. So you can either risk your life to fly a kite like no one has ever flown a kite before, or stay inside where it's safe. We cannot make this call for you. Look under your bed and you will find something that is dead. Look under the sink and you'll find something that is alive. Call the first person in you cell phone contact list right away. Your feet will surprise you…pleasantly.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Take charge. Be the leader of your group. (If your group contains more than one Leo, the leader should be chosen by a footrace around the house.) You will forget the name of an actor, and you will be tempted to look this information up online. But do not do it! Think harder and the answer will come to you. (Hint: The actor's name is not Gary, but it's something like Gary.) This is a great month to buy pants, birds, and clipboards. It's a bad month to buy turtle food, baby clothes, and shovels.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone special will flirt with you, but this person is very bad at flirting, and it may come across as though s/he is making fun of you, or that s/he is just being very, very loud. Do not accept any high five, but go crazy with the low fives. High fives from very short people are acceptable, obviously. Someone you hate is reading your profile online right now! Call the local radio station at exactly 3:42 p.m. on November 9th and you will win tickets to something horrible. You will not look fat in your sweatshirt. In fact, you will look damn good in your sweatshirt. But don't wear sweatpants that have words printed on the butt. (This goes for everyone.)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
There is something on your face. No, the other side. No, a little higher up, near your eye. No, you still didn't get it. Up a little bit. No, too high. Almost. Almost! No, you missed it. You better go check yourself in a mirror. Call someone you have never called before and great things may, or may not, happen. Telling a group of people, "The name Thursday actually means Thor's Day," will not result in a round of applause and/or shocked gasps. The first week of November will be the most memorable week of your life…as long as you end every sentence you say with, "Ta-da!" You should be studying right now instead of reading horoscopes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Do not make declarative statements. Only ask questions this month. Someone with a funny nickname has a crush on you. Seek this person out, and kiss him/her. Your math teacher is up to no good. Be afraid. Someone you knew in kindergarten will come back into your life, and there will be much drama and crying. It's later than you think it is. Before selling a shipment of stolen flat-screen TVs, make sure the buyer isn't wearing a wire. He could be a cop. In fact, change the location of the deal at the last minute to make sure you're not walking into a trap. Red is a good color for you this month. Eat more peas than usual.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Start a band immediately and you will become famous. Did you start a band yet? No? Why not?! Don't read the rest of this horoscope. We told you to start a band right away. But you just keep reading this horoscope, showing blatant disregard for what we've written. See, this is the problem. You never do what we tell you to do. And then you get mad when your horoscope isn't accurate. If you don't follow the rules, then we're just wasting our time, aren't we? Sorry. Sorry. It's just that we try so very hard to look into the future, it takes up most of our day, and it leaves us with a headache and bloody ears. It's no picnic, we assure you. So if we're grumpy, we apologize. Oh, and stay away from cold food, guys named Stevie, and ants. Also, when you try to pick up just one paper plate, you will inadvertently pick up three. You will not realize this until much later.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Something furry will startle you. (Could be an animal. Could be mold. Could be a moldy animal.) You will have the best luck of your life during the last week of the month. But if you attempt to buy a lottery ticket, or make any money during this time, your luck will disappear forever. A guy named Mike will tell you something, and you must try not to laugh. He's being honest. (After he tells you, please email us and give us the scoop, because we're dying to know what it is!) Kiss with your eyes open to experience something that is both amazing and frightening. Don't go in the garage after five o'clock.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You will say, "It's freezing in here!" at least nineteen times this month, and yet you will refuse to carry a sweatshirt with you. Your pet will do something cute, but when you try to explain to your friends what your pet did, it will not sound as cute, and your friends will just nod and politely say, "Oh yeah? How about that." In the middle of the month, you will cry tears of joy, followed by tears of embarrassment. Keep two red dice with you at all times, even at night. Talk to girls named Liv or Ava. Stay away from guys named Greg or Thaddeus. You will rely on your ribcage more this month than any other month of the year. Plan accordingly.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
That dream you had on August 8 will come true…except for the part about spaghetti. You will see New Moon, and secretly love it, but tell everyone that it was just OK. The person you're texting with is not the person you think it is. Cover your ears at exactly 8:56 a.m. on November 17th. Trust us. Put ten dollars in your shoe. This will come in handy during emergencies or when you want to show your friends an amazing magic trick called "The Teleporting Ten Dollar Bill." Wear a helmet, but not on your head. Knock before entering any bathroom, or else.

Related post: October Horoscopes