Premiere Protocol: What to Do at the Opening of New Moon

Sparklers, prepare yourselves: November 20th is The Day of Reckoning. On this otherwise quiet Friday, New Moon, the latest installment of the Twilight saga, will explode into theaters with a blaze of scowls, whininess, and uber-intense face-touching. Since this will almost certainly be the most important day of your entire life, we’ve put together a list of things to do when you attend the movie’s opening:

1. Buy tickets to the midnight showing, which is sure to be packed with die-hard fans, and dress up as Harry Potter.

Wave your wand at horrified onlookers while angrily rubbing your lightning scar. After you purchase your tub of popcorn, loudly explain to the crowd that Lord Voldemort has returned, and you will need their help to defeat him. To prove your wizarding powers and the earnestness of your cause, claim that you will make your tub of popcorn levitate across the room. Then hurl it across the room with all your might. If possible, hit someone wearing a “BITE ME, EDWARD” t-shirt right in the face. Bow grandly, then proceed into the theater. At the most suspenseful, climactic moment in the movie, shout: “SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE. WE CANNOT LET THIS INJUSTICE GO UNPUNISHED.” As you are dragged out by security, scream that everyone in the audience is a death eater and a traitor, and is responsible for the end of all that is good in the world.

2. Make a bunch (like, 167) of cardboard signs that read: “DAN BERGSTEIN FOR PRESIDENT,” and be sure to use as much glitter paint and as many exclamation points as possible. Send pictures to editors@sparknotes.com.

March in circles in front of the theater, blasting Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” on your parents' old portable, battery operated CD player. If you don’t know that song, play Miley Cirus’ “Party in the USA” instead. This is what we call a “grassroots movement.”

3. Show up to the premiere covered in garlic butter.

Also, wear a giant silver crucifix around your neck. And carry a cross bow stocked with silver-tipped arrows. If anyone asks your name, glower and respond, “Your worst nightmare.”

4. Whenever Bella and Edward kiss, touch, or pout in each other’s direction, stand up, do a really vulgar hip thrust, and yell “OH YEAHHHHH. GET SOME.”

Then high-five everyone in a 2-foot radius. If they refuse to high-five you, yell “BUZZ KILL, MAN. WHAT, YOU DON’T LIKE LOVE?!? YOU HATE LOVE?!? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?!?” If it seems appropriate, dump your $6 soda right on that love-hater’s head.

5. As soon as the movie begins, bust out your cell phone and call your grandparents.

Put your grandpops on speaker and proceed to narrate the entire film. Repeat all of the dialogue verbatim, using a Mickey Mouse voice for Edward. Leave nothing out of your detailed descriptions, including the scenery. Ideally, the conversation should go something like this:
Grandpa: There’s a what-now? A meatloaf?
You: No, Grandpa, it’s a WEREWOLF. Jake just turned into a WEREWOLF. To protect Bella from a vampire. They’re standing in a field, and it seems unusually green for October…could be a good fertilizer, maybe, or a sprinkler system. Man, werewolves are fearsome, huh?
Grandpa: I just don’t understand…you’re saying there’s a meatloaf? In a field? Put your father on the phone.
You: TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, GRANDPOPS. A WEREWOLF. W-E-R-E-W-O-L-F.
Grandpa: I'm hanging up.
You: I will call you one hundred times a minute until you pick up again.
Grandpa: Oh, lord. Fine. Tell me more about this meat-loaf character. He sounds like a hoodlum.
You: Take it back, Grandpops. Take it back right now or I won't shovel your driveway this winter.

6. When exiting the theater, rip off your clothes to reveal a gold sequined bodysuit.

Fall to your knees, throw your arms out wide, and proclaim “DO NOT LOOK UPON MY SPARKLY VAMPIRE SKIN. I AM HIDEOUS.” (Note: this works best if the sun is out.)

Now go forth, and make us proud.

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