Many of you are going (or have gone) to Homecoming with that Special Person, the Love of your Life, the person who makes your heart turn inside out and float around somewhere just out of reach of your body. That’s cool.
And some of you are going with friends (fine) and some of you have better things to do than hang around in the semi-darkness in your high school gymnasium (also fine), but there is a subset of you out there who are going, but not with a “date date.” You’re going with someone who you may like very much, who is a terrific person inside and out, someone who has terrific hygiene, makes eye contact, and uses proper grammar. You just don’t happen to feel like kissing this person at the end of the night. It doesn’t matter why. It’s just how you feel. But as this person’s date, what you WILL be doing is a slow dance or two.
Now, those people who are In Love don’t need to worry about this, but if you’re not In Love with your date, it will behoove you to have some topics lined up, because those slow dances can be awfully slow. And by slow we mean long. So here are some diversionary conversational topics to keep in your brain pouch to pull out if things start to get awkward.
1. Clothing.
Comment positively on your date’s outfit, but not in a way that suggests your date looks “hot” in a way that might make you want to “kiss him.” Keep it to logistics. For example, “where did you get that (shirt/dress/tie)?” can lead to a lively discussion about discount retail stores. Discount retail stores with bad overhead lighting that make your contact lenses shrivel up and romantic feelings crumble like dry cornbread. Slow songs can be long, so make sure you parcel out your comments slowly, focusing on one article or accessory at a time. If you run out of things to say, find someone else on the dance floor and comment on HER outfit. Like that dress. There’s a lot you can say about it. Just that one article alone can get you though “Open Arms” by Journey.
2. Other people.
This is a good one because it provides you not only with sufficient fodder to make it though a slow dance, but it also affords plenty of opportunity to avoid close-range eye contact if things start feeling weird. What you are doing here, in effect, is creating a barrier of sound with your monologues about things such as how Traci and Carter were supposed to come to the dance and then Traci’s horse started to give birth and she got so excited that she ran out to the barn and put on the long rubber gloves and started to help out, forgetting that she was already in her Homecoming dress, and so she ruined her dress right as Carter showed up with the corsage, and you think someone would be excited about seeing a new baby horse still in the amniotic sac, but he was less excited about it than you would imagine, and so that’s why they’re not here tonight.
Also that guy Meighan came with is actually her cousin and he’s in college, and oh look, the song’s over. That was short, wasn’t it?
3. Politics.
Nothing says “I have no romantic interest in you” like a rollicking discussion of Sonia Sotomayor’s recent nomination to the Supreme Court. The mental image of a bunch of stern old people in black robes staring in disapproval is enough to dampen the enthusiasm of a Springer Spaniel on a quail hunt. So just think about what it could do for your slow dance! Avoid talk of the White House and the First Family—the First Lady has those arms, and Mr. President has been photographed with his shirt off, and you just don’t want to go there. At all. Even Bo is too dangerous, because he’s fluffy and inspires immediate warm feelings. Banish the thought.
Haven’t you ever wondered about the Senate Finance Committee? There we go. Now we’re on safe ground. And just in time, because the DJ just decided to follow that slow song with a worse slow song, “Baby Come Back.”
4. The weather.
If you’re bold enough to be obvious about your romantic disinterest, the weather is a perfect topic. Just make sure you keep it to common weather patterns—no tsunami or hurricane or tornado talk, lest you lead your partner to believe you are speaking in metaphor. And if you ARE one for speaking in metaphor, keep your talk to light, unrelenting drizzle, or calm yet overcast skies. Unravel the mysteries of barometric pressure. Be honest, you don’t really know what that is, and probably, neither does your date. Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You” provides at least three minutes of time to break down that mystery. And if you figure it out, you can move on to ponder the wonder of the Jet Stream.
If this goes well, you may even be back home by ten.
Related Post: How Not to Dance
Topics: Life
Tags: awkward situations, dances
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