What Your SparkNotes Nickname Says About You

You’ve all heard the phrase “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” In fact, you probably stumbled across it while trying to stab your eyes out with a highlighter during your English-class-enforced reading of Romeo and Juliet. But if names don’t matter, why don’t we all go by Geraldo, or Captain Hook? Can one name really capture our personality better than another? We believe it can, which is why we’ve put together yet another scientifically inaccurate and socially irresponsible analysis, this time to find out what your SparkLife nickname says about you.

IF: Your SparkLife name is taken from literature or television, like dracomustdie or ihearthemingway
THEN: You are the next Atticus Finch, or the next Lady Gaga. Actually, you are probably some fierce and formidable combination of the two—a legal-minded paragon of morality with an incredibly questionable sense of style.

You’re not only well-read/addicted to pop culture, you also have an incredibly distinguished profile, except for your left eyebrow, which is out of CONTROL.

You’re not bad at litigating, but you’re even better at litigating while wearing hot pants and shimmy-shammying your way across poorly-lit stages. Keep this in mind when choosing a career path.

IF: Your SparkLife name is a variation on your real name, like charlie979 or kristinesixteen
THEN: You are an egomaniac with an inflatable head the size of Mount Kilimanjaro. If you can drag yourself away from your mirror long enough, you should probably change your nickname to “NarcisscistNumeroUno” or “GreatGoogiliyMoogilyImHot” and be done with it.

But while prying yourself away from the nearest reflective surface, please be careful. We can’t have you falling face-first over a chair. ‘Cuz if you can’t exploit your outrageously good looks for cash and free stuff, what will you give us for Christmas?

IF: Your SparkLife name is a seemingly random mash-up of letters and numbers, like hogo878x or 96JK
THEN: You are a robot. Unfortunately, this does not make you particularly adept at the robot dance, so quit trying to show off at parties. On the upside, you can hack into computer mainframes with surprising speed, which makes you a prime target for government assassination. Even though you’re made of metal and have a spark plug instead of a heart, you still cry like a rusty little baby over sad movies, Sears catalogues, and diaper commercials. Suck it up, Tin Man.

IF: Your SparkLife name is a pun, a play on words, or a clever phrase, like barak’n’roller or worldpeasnow
THEN: You are the next Albert Einstein, or my dad. If you’re my dad, then Dad, get back to work. Those cards on your screen aren’t going to play Solitaire by themselves. If you’re not my dad, well, that sucks. BUT, you might be a genius. Or just really fond of puns. Either way, you should be able to finagle your way into an Ivy League college; if your IQ is low, just use your way with words to forge your transcript.

What other nickname characteristics can you think of?

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