Sparkler Smokey778 obviously has tons of experience destroying opponents in debates while bringing audiences to laughter-induced tears. We're not sure if we have a future president or the next host of The Daily Show on our hands, but either way, we like it. —SparkNotes editors
Intellectual sparing, civilized argument, verbal chess, whatever you call it, debate is a big part of high school, college, and for some people, the real world, and you'll probably have to take part in one eventually.
There are different tactics for dealing with debates: You could research your subject thoroughly, construct a logical argument, then calmly analyzes your opponent’s views and find its weak points, or you could dip kittens in Jell-O, then ride around the town square on a llama singing "Barbie Girl."
A good argument will only get you so far. It’s been a long time since debates have been about having the better logic; that's a thing of the past, like Model T cars, full service gas stations, and good horror movies. The way to win is to realize debates are like a game, and as such you should have your strategies and cheat codes in place before it's time to play:
In the Beginning
When the Crowd’s Being Seated
This is the time to get to know the crowd and establish yourself as the good guy. Kissing babies might be a bit over the top, but it certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea to shake a few hands and introduce the crowd to your award-winning smile. If you happen to see your opponent during this time, leap forward with your hand outstretched as if you can’t wait to get that handshake in. Pat your opponent on the shoulder and comment on how great it is to see him again. The fact that just a couple days ago you were leaving him creepy phone messages and selling his email address to advertisers should not affect your friendly persona.
During Introductions
If you get time to introduce yourself, make sure to tell a quaint, adorable story about yourself in a folksy accent. Any hints you can make about your opponent being not quite as folksy or charming as you will be to your advantage. Remember, at this point you’re still selling yourself, not the argument, so resist the temptation to add anything relevant to the debate issue in your introduction.
During the Debate
Your First Argument
Your first argument should be filled with questionable facts you "heard from somewhere" that specifically, directly contradict everything your opponent says. With any luck, your opponent will spend all his/her time trying to correct all your information and you can use your time to dish out more "facts." It is always quicker to lie than to correct a lie, so by the end of the debate, a dozen or so of your lies will be left uncorrected, and will have become "logic" in the audience's head. Be sure to smile sincerely and use the folksy accent whenever employing this tactic.
In the Second Wave
The first tactic only works until people start questioning where you’re getting your facts from. It's important to switch to the second strategy, the Questionable Logic Strategy, before that happens. You can't let the lying last too long. Instead, use good facts paired with bad logic. Example: "Puppies need dog houses to live in. Dog houses take up space. Any person that supports using that space to put up a dam wants puppies to be homeless." At this point, it might be good to milk the puppy bit and accuse your opponent of being a puppy-hater.
If Your Opponent Comes Up With a Good Point You Can’t Dispute
A good point is every debater’s worst nightmare. It means your opponent is probably using the old Research and Logic Tactic, and has come up with a list of ways to disprove you if you try and argue against her point with logic. Since you can't use logic, the only alternative is to accuse your opponent of having a personal bias.
This tactic works so well because there is no logic to it, just emotion. If your opponent if arguing in favor of a tax cut for the rich, accuse him of trying to get a tax break for himself. If your opponent is pro bigger parks, accuse her of hating the quaint neighborhood parks that make this country great. Around this time, the good point will be forgotten as your opponent defensively tries to disprove your claim. Time to lay back and enjoy your opponent’s worthless attempts to redeem himself.
Near the End of the Debate
At this point, if there are any tricks left up your sleeve that you haven’t used, pull them all out. Repeat everything that your opponent said in a sarcastic tone, accuse your opponent of hating you personally, talk into your opponent’s time or, my favorite one, yell like a lunatic. This last tactic needs utter conviction to work; you need to look as if you’ve really lost your mind and decided to screech incoherently at your opponent. What you’ll really be doing is
a. Drowning out whatever your opponent’s trying to say
b. Appearing passionate about whatever you’re arguing for.
What you’re shouting about really doesn’t matter; most of it should be incoherent anyway. Once you get good at this, you can throw a few sound bites into your jumbled mess for the crowd to hear. Good phrases include things like, "Lower taxes for all!" or, "The children matter most!"
The only downside to this tactic is once you’re back in the real world you’ll be known as The Insane Yelling Guy, but that's a small price to pay for winning a local town house debate in front of twenty people.
In the Final Wave
When the debate is over, leave the platform and act as if everything is normal again. Employ similar tactics as you did before the debate started but this time you can add phrases such as how you’re glad you "played it my way" and proud that you "never let your opponent drag you down from your high standards."
The moral of the story is to never let a lack of knowledge or understanding keep you from debating.
Don't agree? Let's debate it.
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Related Post: Can We Have Some New Debate Topics, Please?
By: Contributor
Topics: Guides
Tags: sparkler posts, debate
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