Blogging "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"

If you grew up in America, you have seen the Peanuts Halloween special "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at least ten times by your tenth birthday. It's shown every year; you can catch it tonight at 8 on ABC. Some folks love the program, and we were big fans as well…that is, until we took a closer, more analytical look at this classic show.

After sitting through 22-minutes of poor animation, bad voice acting, and looong stretches of watching Snoopy walk, we can't help but wonder why this show is so beloved.

For those unfamiliar with the plot, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," tells the tale of Linus, a young boy who hopes the mythic Great Pumpkin will visit him on Halloween. Despite the show's title, Charlie Brown is more of a background character in this story. A better title would have been, "Linus Lies" or "Snoopy Does Stuff for Ten Minutes That Doesn't Pertain to the Plot" or "World's Most Depressing Kids' Show."

It all begins with Linus and his sister Lucy walking to the pumpkin patch. Linus digs around and picks up pumpkins of various sizes for Lucy's approval. She finally decides on the biggest one in the patch, and Linus struggles to bring the pumpkin home.

Yep, they just stole a pumpkin. And not just any pumpkin—they stole the biggest pumpkin they could carry! Their blithe attitude towards this blatant act of thievery leads me to believe that these two commit crimes on a regular basis. It's cute and funny during pumpkin carving season, don't get me wrong. But it's probably less cute when Linus uses his blanket to take out security cameras in a parking garage while Lucy carjacks an old woman.

After a fun and trippy title sequence, the story picks up with Snoopy helping Charlie Brown pile leaves in the yard. Linus sees Charlie and the pile of leaves, and runs and leaps into the pile, scattering the heap while getting a mouthful of leaves in the process.

So when he's not stealing from hardworking pumpkin farmers, Linus enjoys being a jerk to his hardworking friends. And he's the character we're supposed to sympathize with?

In the next scene, Linus is writing a letter to the Great Pumpkin. The basic rules of the Great Pumpkin are as follows: Once a year, on Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin visits the most sincere pumpkin patch in the world and gives toys and presents to all the children.

I love the idea of a Great Pumpkin. And I love Linus' loyalty to this mythic entity. But what I don't understand is where Linus first heard about the Great Pumpkin.

He sure is an expert on the subject, willing to spout off about the rules and regulations needed for the demon to pay a visit. But he must have learned about the legend from someone else…someone who is rather mean. Because unlike every other holiday cartoon, there is no magic or happy ending in this show. The Great Pumpkin doesn't appear. It's one big lie. And it had to originate somewhere. I imagine Linus was being a pest one day, and his dad made up the story to scare him.

LINUS: Hey Dad, wanna see how high I can jump? I can jump pretty high. Dad? Dad? Are you watching? Dad, watch me! Are you watching? Did you see that? I jumped so high.
DAD: Damnit, Linus. I don't have time for this crap.
LINUS: Dad, I can jump really high!
DAD: Stop that.
LINUS: Stop what?
DAD: Stop jumping. You're giving me a headache.
LINUS: No I'm not.
DAD: Yes you are.
LINUS: No I'm not.
DAD: Yes, you are. And if you don't stop jumping, the Great Pumpkin will come and eat your face.
LINUS: …
DAD: That's right. He will come and tear your face off and eat it. Then he'll nail you hands together. So…be good.
LINUS: I…I never heard about the Great Pumpkin.
DAD: Oh yeah. He's a real mean son of a gun. He eats faces all the time and nails people's hands together.
LINUS: But…why would he do something like that?
DAD: Because you're being bad.
LINUS: But…my face? He's really going to eat my face?
DAD: Yep. The only way to stop him is if you go sit in the pumpkin patch…all freaking night.
LINUS: Gosh.
DAD: And you need to tell your friends to sit there too. I don't want them hanging around here all night and getting their sticky hands all over my stereo.
LINUS: If I wait in the pumpkin patch, The Great Pumpkin won't eat my face?
DAD: No, he won't. Hell, he'll even give you presents if you wait all night. But don't tell your friends that he eats faces. That's just between you and me. Got it?
LINUS: But…but…which pumpkin patch should I sit in?
DAD: I don't know. Pick the most sincere pumpkin patch you can find.
LINUS: I don't know what that word means. Does "sincere" mean "orange"?
DAD: Not my problem, Blanket Boy. But it's going to be your problem when you need to live the rest of your lame life without a face and with your hands nailed together.
LINUS: No! I'll find the pumpkin patch! I'm sure I will! [RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE CLUTCHING HIS FACE].

As Linus is writing his letter, telling The Great Pumpkin to bring toys and whatnot, Snoopy is reading it over his shoulder and laughing. The dog leaves cackling, and Lucy walks in and yells at Linus for writing such a silly note. She leaves and then another girl looks over his shoulder and makes fun of Linus.

Where did this mystery girl come from?! Is this Lucy's friend? Is this a strange girl that wanders around town? Is this girl just a figment of Linus' imagination, perhaps his subconscious telling him that he's fallen for a lie? Is this the ghost of the girl who died one year ago this very day in a tragic car crash? She leaves, and we never find out who she was.

Finally Charlie Brown's sister, Sally, stops by and flirts shamelessly with Linus. And he gives her all the details about the Great Pumpkin.

Meanwhile, Charlie Brown gets an invitation to Violet's Halloween Party, and he couldn't be more excited as he dances and yells, "It's the first time I've been invited to a party!" (Way to play it cool, Chuck.) But before Violet's rave begins, we get to see the elaborate costumes the Peanuts gang has come up with.

They're all ghosts. All of them.

Sure, some people, like Lucy, add a mask to their ghost costumes. (Is she a ghost, a witch, or the ghost of a witch?) But they're all variations on ghosts, with no signs of a single Power Ranger, ladybug, or sexy police officer in the group.

One nameless kid adds an awesome green mask to accessorize his/her bed sheet. Dear department stores: I want this Green Mask/Ghost costume. I'm not joking. It is amazingly odd and fun. I will pay upwards of $20 for this costume. (Also? department stores, can you make popcorn that sounds like laser beams when it pops? Sort of a "Beehew Beehew" sound? Thanks! Sincerely, Dan.)

The kids talk about going trick-or-treating, or, as they refer to: tricks or treats. As in, "We're wearing costumes for tricks or treats." That phrasing makes grammatical sense, I guess. But am I the only one who thinks "tricks or treats" sounds strange…and somewhat greedy? Yelling, "tricks or treats!" implies that you better supply me with more than one piece of candy or suffer the multiple tricks I shall play on your and your family.

We then see Charlie's ghost costume, which features far too many eye holes. He tries to cover up his mistake by saying, "I had a little trouble with the scissors." Where are this kid's parents? A child who mistakenly thinks he has ten eyes is a child who shouldn't be using scissors in the first place.

Snoopy shows up as the only one not dressed as a ghost. He's wearing his World War I Flying Ace costume. (i.e. A hat, goggles, and a scarf.) He walks away, and the kids all leave to go tricks or treats-ering. (Am I using that phrase correctly? I still think trick-or-treating sounds better.)

Along the way, they find Linus waiting in the pumpkin patch. He's not joining the others because he doesn't want to miss the chance of seeing The Great Pumpkin. Everyone mocks him, and rightfully so. But Sally agrees to stay with him. Poor, naïve Sally. I foresee an unwanted pregnancy in her high school days if she keeps doing things just to make the boys happy.

The gang goes door to door shouting, "tricks or treats!" At three different houses, Charlie Brown is given a rock, while the other kids are given candy. This isn't funny. This is scary. If stranger drops a rock in your bag, you don't just say, "Oh. I got a rock." You call the cops. And if it happens three different times, you call the FBI, because something in your neighborhood is fishy. (It's probably a child-murdering cult.)

At this point in the show, I beg you to turn it off, or watch something else for the next three minutes. If you don't, make sure a pillow is handy, because things are about to grind to a halt as Snoopy has World War I fantasy that features nothing but him sitting on his dog house, making odd, witch-like cackles.

It's all done in such a dull yet hallucinogenic manner that the three minutes feel like three hours. In this fantasy, Snoopy tries and fails to kill the Red Baron, and his plane is destroyed by enemy fire. So, in Snoopy's wildest dreams, he is a failure. Does anyone else find this depressing?

We then head back to the Tricks or Treats-ers (that doesn't sound right, does it?). They walk past Linus and Sally, and everyone makes fun of them again. That's what you get for being different in a small town, I guess. Wow. I really don't remember this show being such a downer.

Cut to Violet's party. There's a gag involving Charlie Brown's pumpkin-shaped head, but this is pretty much just an excuse to play some jazz music. (I assume at the pitch meeting for this show, the producers simply said the preceding sentence, and everyone cried, "Perfect!")

And then we go back to Snoopy in World War I, where he is now stuck behind enemy lines. He walks…and walks…and walks. Honestly, this entire show could fit inside a 30-second commercial if you took out all the needless wandering and walking.

Snoops then comes to the party and visits with the piano-playing Schroeder, who is banging out a patriotic march that Snoopy seems to dig.

General Peanuts Question: Where did Schroeder score such a tiny piano, and how can this minuscule instrument create such a full, dynamic sound? I've played with toy pianos before, and they always sound like a wind chime being struck by a Q-tip.

Also, by the time Schroeder is 25, he is going to have serious back pain, if he doesn't already. Get a damn chair, you pompous prodigy.

As Schroeder plays the tune, Snoopy marches and dances. For no real reason, Schroeder changes the song abruptly to a sad ballad. There are a few strange, awkward moments here, where I wasn't sure if Snoopy was sad, or feral. It's hard to judge by the animation. Finally, Snoopy bursts into tears, and Schroeder plays the happy song again. Snoopy begins dancing. And then Schroeder switches to the sad song, and Snoopy cries once more.

Schroeder has a God complex. Twisting and controlling Snoopy's emotions must give him a great deal of pleasure. Why else would he torture the poor beagle?

To escape his own depression, Snoopy decides to visit his World War I fantasy again. If you're feeling sad, and the only thing that makes you feel less sad is thinking about war, then perhaps you should talk to somebody.

Back at the pumpkin patch, Linus thinks he sees the Great Pumpkin rising out of the ground. But it's just Snoopy, being an ass. Sally is mad, and yells at Linus. She wasted her entire night and missed out on the party and tricks or treats-ing (enough! I'm going back to calling it trick-or-treating.) As she's yelling, everyone from the party comes out to see what's going on. They all leave Linus in the pumpkin patch.

This is a sad story, don't you think? You might assume that everything will work out in the end. But it doesn't. Reading Catcher in the Rye while listening to Morrissey will put you in a more festive mood than watching this depressing story play out.

After the commercial break, Lucy looks at her alarm clock and sees that it's four in the morning. She goes outside to find Linus, shivering under his blanket, still waiting for the Great Pumpkin. She brings him inside and puts him to bed. This is the climax of the story? My grandpa's rambling tale of how he made applesauce had a better, more riveting conclusion. (Spoiler alert: cinnamon played a major role.)

The next day, Charlie Brown and Linus are talking about their miserable experiences. Linus gets visibly angry and shouts louder and louder. And that, dear readers, is how this charming story ends.

What's the moral of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"? Pick from the choices below:

If you believe in something, you are wrong.

Don't think for yourself. Do what everyone else does.

If you are a loser, no one will like you.

Don't be bald or carry a blanket.

Dogs can read.

People hate you, and there's nothing you can do about.

It's OK to steal pumpkins.

So what's the moral? Tell us in the comments!

Related post: Interview Dan Bergstein!