Pointless worrying is the media's favorite activity ever. Today's news contains yet another report that'll put your parents into a frothing, shrieking, pants-wetting panic. According to ABC News, teenagers everywhere are watching TV, playing video games, listening to music... and being transformed into murderous, drug-taking, sex-having degenerates as a result! Quelle horreur!
Says the article: “Studies have linked a preference for certain types of music to specific behaviors. For example, the kind of electronic music played at raves has been associated with use of drugs and alcohol, while heavy metal and rap have been associated with reckless behavior and below-average academic performance.”
So basically, if you spent the weekend listening to Kanye West or Lil Wayne, it's only a matter of time until you flunk out of high school, total your car, and embark on a freewheeling life of crime. And if you like house music, you are probably drunk right now.
No, don't try to argue—it's science.
Your SparkNotes editors can't help thinking (in between rolling our eyes and muttering "Correlation is not causation") that this is all just a bit overblown. But we're also nothing if not helpful—so we've gone ahead and created this handy guide to tell you just what sort of horror lurks under the surface of your musical preferences! Ready?
If you like...
Emo: You only shower once a year... and it doesn't help.
Punk: You like to kick puppies.
Jazz: You ate the last cookie and lied about it.
Country: You never wear underpants.
Alt-country: You only wear other people's underpants. Which you steal.
Electronica: You pick your nose and wipe it under the furniture.
RnB: You keep your farts in jars.
Hip-hop: You are a serial killer.
Rock: Instead of cleaning your room, you just throw all your crap into a closet and cover it with a blanket. SHAME.
Metal: You stole my boyfriend in second grade.
Bluegrass: You wet your bed...on purpose.
Classical: You cheated on your bio final.
Showtunes: You are a highly trained international assassin.
Disco: You once punched a baby in the face.
Did we miss anything? Do you like hip-hop and want to confess where you hid the bodies? Tell us in the comments!
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