Non-Friends Forever

By Contributor

October 23, 2009

Very few can make us editors ALOL before 10 a.m., but villanous_mwaha succeeded! —SparkNotes editors

So, you may think some of your friends are pretty annoying. You like them sometimes, but they have one (or more) of the following traits, and you just can't take it anymore:

1.   The laugh that makes you want to hurl yourself off a roofAt first, you think, “oh, that is a very…odd laugh…I suppose I’ll get used to it. It isn’t that bad, is it?” But deep, deep down, you know that it is that bad and after two weeks of being friends with the horrible hyena, you feel the definite urge to strangle them, and that is not a healthy feeling for either of you.
Laughs that can be classed as annoying include any of the following:
•   Ahoi, ahoi, ahoi, ahoi!!!
•   Nyat nyat nyat nyat nyat, NYAT NYAT NYAT NYAT NYAT!!!!
•   He…hehe….hehehehe….hahahaha….hahahahahahaha…….HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
•   Giggle giggle SNORT giggle giggle
•   Ahuh ahuh ahuh
•   Machine gun laugh
•   Not laughing at all because they have an awful sense of humor (see below)

2. The terrible sense of humor
A sense of humor is a very important aspect of one’s personality. If you are talking to a person who has a sense of humor deficit, it can be really quite detrimental to a conversation. A normal, interesting conversation can turn into something like this:

Dude 1: Hey dude 2!! How’s your day been?
Dude 2: Hi dude 1, aw, it was great!
Dude 1: That’s what she said!!!
Dude 2: Ha-ha, that was funny-ish…
Dude 1: Like yo mama!!!
Dude 2: Umm, yeah, that was not as good.
Dude 1: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!
Dude 2: Okay, now that was just pathetic.
Dude 1: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

3. Too much sarcasm
This one is pretty simple to spot. Does the person roll his/her eyes or make tutting noises or go "ha!" at just about everything you say? Like this?

You: Wow, that really was a great movie!
Him/Her: *eye roll* yeah, I TOTALLY agree *eye roll*

4. The know-it-all
You’re happy being a fairly average person who doesn’t know the value of pi to 20 significant figures, except for when you’re in math and the teacher, just by chance, asks you the value of pi to 20 significant figures. You say, “umm…3.141596…umm…,” and your know-it-all pally stands up and says, “Sir, I believe the answer is 3.1415926535897932384. Not to be, like, more clever than my buddy here but, oh, wait, I am!! Ha ha ha ha!! Let’s go solve some unsolvable equation my lil' bestie mate…oh…you can’t solve those kind of equations can you…oh. Well, maybe you could make me tea whilst I do the unsolvable things. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?! Yes it would! OH YES IT WOULD!”
The last part, by the way, is said as if to a dog. You can see how that friendship is slightly problematic.

5. Too loud. WAY TOO LOUD.
This trait can manifest in many different ways. First, there's the person who talks very loudly naturally. I'm guilty of this. My friends always tell me off for it.

This also often happens with actor-types, because they have to project their voices on stage and then apparently hallucinate that they are on stage when they are chatting with their friends. This is hardly an excuse, and they are still very annoying and deserve water-bombing.

The second way this can happen is when somebody raises his/her voice to interrupt (see rudeness) a conversation. Nobody is going to enjoy a conversation like this:

Person 1: Hi!
Person 2: Heya.
Person 1: How are you?
Person 2: Not bad, not bad, I had such a great day coz you know my boyfriend? Well we were having dinner and he got down on one knee and—
Person 1: WOW, THAT'S REALLY NICE AND ALL BUT I REALLY WANT TO TELL YOU HOW AWFUL MY LUNCH WAS! I GOT FOOD POISONING AND THE WAITER AND I FLIRTED BUT HE NEVER CALLED! And then you have to come in here and talk about how your boyfriend fell over.
Person 2: Well, actually he—
Person 1: —I DON’T CARE!! ME ME ME!!!

6. Persistence

I named this one persistence, but what it means is really clingy and annoying and just….well…..really, really annoying!!! I mean, it’s always nice to meet someone new and make some new friends. What is NOT nice is, when that new friend makes an assumption that you are deeply in love with them and want you to be with them forever and ever.

You go to lunch with your SO and then out of nowhere, "Heya guys!!!" You're reading in the library and then, "Hey there, buddy!! What you reading? Ooh, I’ve heard that’s a really bad book, don’t bother reading it. Why don’t we go outside? No boring books or anything like that. Ooh! Let’s grab a magazine and do one of those quizzes that best friends do, I bet we’re like soulmates. Oh, wait….what are you doing with that staple gun? Seriously, that could hurt me like, badly!"

Do any of your friends have these traits? What do you do about it?