Chris Listens: Coming Out, Panic Attacks, and a Serious Roommate Crush

Last week a very clever Sparkler used this column as a platform on which to express his or her affection for yours truly. But anonymous crushes are one of the things that make the internet great, right? Or maybe they make the internet horrifying? Either way, thanks to all those who leapt to the defense of brown-eyed, glasses-wearing nerds. Lately I’ve received a lot of emails from people who are feeling down and out and/or disrespected, and it bums me out. I know evolutionary theory dictates that we prey on the weak and only the strong survive and all that, but I just wanted to make a quick appeal: If you know someone who doesn’t quite fit in or who is feeling lonely or depressed, do something about it. Make an effort to say hello and/or include them in what you’re doing. High school isn’t easy for anyone and we all have to do our best to endure it while our hormones go crazy and we face psychotic teachers, out-of-touch parents, relationships run amok, and the relentless pressure to succeed. So whenever/wherever possible, be kind to each other. OK. Speech done. Thanks for listening. Now: questions!

This school year I haven't been happy at school. I already go to a charter school for the arts, and I love my department, but I hate the environment I am forced in. I had an easier time because my sister was at school with me, but now that she's graduated, I can't stand it. My mom thinks it's that I just don't really have a close friend right now, but it's not just that. I've recently been looking into Community College and Online High School, getting my GED/Diploma there, but my mom thinks that it will just make me more lonely. But I'm really no longer happy in any aspect at school anymore, and I want to try an alternative, what should I do?

Hmmmm, I’m a little skeptical of this whole online high school idea, especially when compared to a charter school for the arts. My gut reaction is that you should just stick it out where you are now because you’ll probably get a better education and, more importantly, you’ll have more opportunities to socialize! If you don’t have a close friend right now, going to school online will probably only make it harder to find someone with whom you can really connect. Since you can’t change the environment at school, you might want to adjust the way you perceive it, or your actions, to make it easier on yourself. Make a list of the stuff you don’t like about school, then write down one thing that you can do to make each negative point a little better. In terms of finding friends, you need to look for opportunities—you may want to join an extracurricular activity or club or sport or band or local biker gang (kidding!) to give you some friendmaking options beyond the classroom.

So I'm a senior in high school, and for a while now I've wanted to tell my parents that I'm gay (male) but I don't know, I think they will hate me for it. How can I break this to them without them wanting me dead. Thanks!

Well, let’s hope they won’t want you dead for any reason, but especially not for being gay. Coming out to your parents can be really hard, and there’s not necessarily one “right” way to do it. A lot depends on your parents, your relationship with them, and their feelings on sexual orientation. For example, if they have gay friends, coming out to them might not be such a big deal. But if they haven't had much exposure to gay people or harbor negative feelings toward homosexuality, things might not go so smoothly. Here are a few recommendations for you:

• First things first, don't discuss this with them at a time when they're stressed out or right after they've gotten some bad news. If you talk to them at a time when they're relaxed and stress-free, they might be more receptive.
• If you think one parent might be more receptive or understanding, talk to that one first and see how he/she thinks you should come out to the other. Or maybe, for you, it would be best to talk to both of them together, so you’ll only have to have this momentous, potentially awkward discussion once. Think about which strategy would work best for you.
• Arrange to have some support waiting in the wings. Your parents might be totally cool with your bit of news. But have a friend or other trusted resource waiting for your call, in case they completely flip out. You might even want to arrange for a place to stay, at a friend's house or with a close relative, in the event that things get really bad. Hopefully, it won't come to that, but having a back-up might help to put your mind at ease.
• Be prepared for them to pepper you with lots of questions. They'll likely ask you how sure you are about your sexuality. Be comfortable and assured when you talk with them. They're also likely to be concerned for your safety, both physically and emotionally, even if they are okay with your orientation. Homophobia is very real and dangerous, and even if your family accepts you, others around you might not. Your parents are going to be worried for you, but you can help to reassure them by showing that you understand their concerns and also know about available resources (see the links below). You don't need to know all the answers, but you're more likely to put them at ease if you can show that you've given this a lot of thought and done some research.

There are a lot of different things you can say and do when you're coming out. Fortunately, there are some fantastic resources on the internet to help you through it. For example: http://www.youthresource.com/living/features/comingout.htm. You can also look at http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/families/a/outtoparents.htm. Although the second piece is written with females in mind, a lot of the advice holds true for both sexes. No matter how you go about it, I’m really glad that you want to talk your parents about your orientation. It’s a brave thing to do and I wish you the best of luck!

I'm turning 14 in a couple of days and have been through some interesting times, including a confirmation of anxiety disorder, beginning therapy, enrolling in homeschooling, and a tad bit of minor depression. And I am just now being told I may have ADD. I have always been quirky. My memory is almost identical to Dory’s. I can think of the most insane things, and I am well known for it throughout my school of 900 kids. I am not just weird, I am a freak, and I am very proud of it. I've been told that I have a great sense of humor with my extensive randomness. I also love to write and draw portraits. Life is good. Mostly, anyways. All of these "quirks" I have thought to be part of my personality. I thought that was me. But ever since my mom and my therapist both brought up ADD, I have felt very, very confused. And as I look through lists of symptoms, I believe it more and more. The excessive talking, the procrastination, the careless mistakes, the forgetfulness, and the squirming and getting out of my seat every five minutes to get a glass of milk or just to walk around in the living room. It would explain all of the tasks and goals I have never been able to complete. If I do have ADD (which by now is almost confirmed), I could get medication so I could complete schoolwork before 10:00 at night, and I could get things done. I have always considered my greatest fault to never be consistent through long-term projects and activities. I even think that may have been what brought me to my therapist in the first place (besides anxiety). I have always felt so bad after my mother yelling at me for not doing the dishes or not being able to finish my work. My dad always became disappointed when I felt inspired to work on the yard, and then I completely forgot about it for a week. It always seems that if I do remember something it was because I happened to glance at a sticky note that I had written a couple days before in an act of desperation to remember. Most of the time I don't even remember to look at my sticky notes, or my notebooks, or my planner. Forgetting is one of the most painful things, because I always feel like I'm letting people down and not living up to what I should be doing to help out with my mom, who has myself, my 8 year old brother with ADHD (and who is dyslexic), and my almost-2-year-old brother to take care of while my dad is serving in Baghdad. Is it ironic that I usually think about these things when I'm supposed to be completing the math assignment open in front of me? (The answer is YES.) I know all this may make it sound like my life is one, big, complicated mess, but overall we are a happy, connected family with great friends and people who love us. I talk to my dad almost every day on Skype and my mom is doing very well with us three kids to take care of. So medication should sound like a great thing (I am a firm believer in medication when it may be necessary, because my brother with ADHD could not be doing the amazing things he is doing without his medication. When he was in public school [he is currently homeschooling] in second grade he could not read at all and was saying how every day was "the worst day ever" because of how other kids didn't want to play with him because of his lack of socialization skills. Though now in the last eight months he is at a second grade reading level, loves social studies, and says he wants to be an archeologist when he grows up), but I'm having second thoughts. I don't want medication to change me. Of course I would love to be able to finish what I start and not forget everything, and maybe be able to actually finish writing a novel (I've never gotten anywhere near an end. Not even a complete, first draft). But creativity is also a strong symptom of ADD, and I am scared of what might happen to it if I do have ADD and if I get medication. I still want to be crazy random and artistic. And maybe medication won't affect anything. Should I continue to try and overcome my ADD by myself, or should I go with medication? Any other ideas for me?

Thanks for sharing your story! Despite some of the confusion you’re experiencing regarding your ADD diagnosis, it seems like things are going pretty well considering the circumstances. I’m glad to hear that you are proud of your quirks and that your family is hanging together while your dad is in Baghdad. You have a very sensible perspective on all of these difficult issues, and I commend your maturity. While I am definitely not a doctor and can’t really hand out medical advice, you might want to give the ADD medication a try to see if it helps you. Maybe give yourself a three-month trial period and see how it goes? If it totally sucks out all your creativity, you may want to stop taking it, but you should at least see if it can help your memory and commitment to tasks and projects. You should definitely talk to your therapist or doctor if you have concerns! If you want to work on overcoming ADD without medication, you might try some meditation or other relaxation techniques to help you clear your mind and focus. You could also try giving yourself rewards for focusing. For example, if you work on something for 10 minutes straight, reward yourself by getting up and walking around. Then gradually increase the intervals as you become better at working on tasks. It’s possible that these more natural remedies might not work, however, and that medication is the most effective treatment. But like I said before, be sure to consult with your doctor and/or therapist.

I have just started my freshman year of high school. I am going to a school where there a lot of smart people and it's tough to stand out of the crowd. Well anyway, all throughout middle school I had a lot of people that I could talk to, but no one was a TRUE friend. I know it seems juvenile, but no one invited me to hang out or go over to their house. Society has created a perception that boys aren't supposed to care, but I DO care. Going on, I was hoping for high school to be different. I can't connect with any guys, and the few people that I do know I barely get to see, with the exception of one. He's in my homeroom, and although we hang during homeroom, most of the time he makes fun of me or needs help with homework/classwork. The people that I do get to see just  make fun of me too, constantly saying mean things about me, telling me to go work at Dunkin Donuts/7-11 (I am Indian, though we do have a large Asian population at our school), and other stuff that bothers me after a while. So, how can I make friends with other guys if I am just an outcast?

Ugh, it makes me really sad that people are treating you so poorly. People can be exceptionally cruel sometimes, and they don’t know how their words can affect others. In my opinion, you are not the outcast—they are, because they don’t know how to treat other people with the proper respect and kindness. It’s totally understandable for you to feel hurt by this, and you have a couple options. 1) You can stand up to these people and tell them how they make you feel, hoping that they might see the error of their ways. 2) You can try to tune it out and focus on meeting people who do care. Because I promise you there are people who care. I care, a lot of people reading this blog care, and there are people in your school who will care, too. It sounds like the guy in your homeroom is just using you for your homework, and because he gets a kick out of making fun of you. I’m not sure he’s worth being friends with. If you want to take an active role in making friends, you might want to join a group or club with people who have common interests, or start a conversation with someone you don't know that well. It can be really hard to make friends (and especially true friends), but if you stay patient and be persistent, it will happen eventually. Thanks for writing, and hang in there!

Ok, so I know this is pretty random, but a few years ago I got asthma suddenly. Because it scared me when I felt like I couldn't breathe, I started having panic attacks. Even though I now understand the asthma and stuff, the panic increased until now I have really bad separation anxiety and panic attacks and have been depressed for the past few months. I barely leave the house and really have no friends at all. The thing is, no one else knows how bad it is, so I'm miserable. I hate my life and it feels like I can never get over the anxiety. I mean I can barely walk the dog alone, so how am I ever going to go back to high school? It's like I am constantly trapped in myself; I get so frustrated I just want to go out and go something adventurous or something I'm not supposed to, but I can't because I can't go anywhere. There are no rules to break because I have no life. I thought about cutting but I don't want to go that far. I feel like I've lost enough control over my life already. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they'll think I'm stupid and tell me it's in my head. Mostly I'm just embarrassed to admit how bad it is and how much I've ruined my own life. Can you help me?

I can relate to this situation. When I was younger, I was in a doctor’s office being tested for strep throat. While performing the throat culture (wherein a Q-tip is forced down one’s throat), the nurse accidentally touched my epiglottis, which snapped shut and caused me to stop breathing for a moment. I pretty much freaked out, had a panic attack, and, in conjunction with the illness that sent me to the doctor in the first place, I ended up in the hospital. It was not fun, and I felt really anxious and panicky for a while afterward, especially when my throat or neck was involved. Many people have had similar experiences. So I want you to know you are not alone in this, and that it's totally okay to talk about it. I think there is help for you out there—you should probably talk to a therapist or counselor to help you with your feelings of depression, especially if you think about harming yourself. I definitely don’t want you to resort to that, because it will only make you feel worse. While talking to someone about how you feel may be enough to help you regain control, your doctor might prescribe you some medication to help you feel less anxious. You took a great first step by writing in to me to tell me how you are feeling, and I want you to keep up the good work by sharing your feelings with other people who can help you. You don’t need to tell all your friends what’s going on (unless you want to), but I do think you need to seek out a professional resource. I would bring it up with your parents (if you haven’t already) and get help ASAP. You can do it!

So my problem is that I'm in like with my boarding school roommate. Yeah, it's a gay thing (both of us are gay—lucky, right? WRONG!) but that doesn't really matter. You're always telling people to communicate, and I thought that was really good advice, so I took it. I told him I liked him. He told me he didn’t like me back. I really thought he did like me because we used to sit around and talk about all the things we would look for in a BF and I really thought I had those things. I don't know why I thought I would ever be so lucky. Well anyway, since the day I told him I like him the situation has gotten worse. He started dating someone else. I want to be supportive, but it's so hard, ya know? The worst part is, I can't help but ask about their relationship. I ask him things like, "Did you guys make out?" and "Did you guys have sex?" and the answer is always yes, they did. It drives me crazy but at the same time I have to know the truth or I will assume the worst. Really I just want it not to be true and that's why I ask him things like that. He is always telling me I have to get over him because he will never like me like that. But even if I did get over liking him I will never stop being attracted to him. My friends tell me I should avoid him as much as possible, but I can't because I want to be the friend that he shares things with, I want to be there for him, because that's the kind of friend he is to me. So my question is, what do I do when I've communicated how I feel and it didn't do any good? How do I stop liking him so I can just be his friend? How do I stop being attracted to him? Should I really give up hope that he will ever be with me? Most importantly, how can I do it when I have to see him all the time because he's my roommate and we hang out all the time and neither of us can move out or stop going here? I really hope you can help me because my friends try to give me advice but they never seem to know what to say about it to make me feel better. Maybe there is nothing to say to make me feel better?

You might be right in assuming that there is nothing someone can say to make you feel better, because sometimes life just deals you a crappy hand and you have to suffer through it. But I think it was good that you told your roommate how you are feeling, because even if he didn’t reciprocate, at least you know where you stand and you can work towards moving on. And indeed, I do think moving on should be your goal. You can’t prevent yourself from being physically attracted to him, but you can make a conscious effort to avoid subjects of conversation that may ignite your passions, such as whom your roommate is making out with and/or having sex with. You may be curious about these things, but it’ll probably make it easier for you if you don’t know all the intimate details of his relationships. Striving for avoidance might be hard since you do live together and all, but it’s not the worst strategy. At this point you really need to focus on other things, and I bet that the more you see your roommate, the longer your attraction will continue. Right now you are fixated on this guy, but hopefully with some distance and time, that will change. I don’t think you should necessarily give up hope that he will never be with you, but I would really try not to have any expectations about the situation. It's not going to be easy, but if you take it day by day and try not to obsess over him, I think you can get through it.

How do you write out the sound of blowing a raspberry?

Thbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbthbtthbthbzzzzzzz. That’s how I do it, anyway, and I write it out almost every day.

Send your burning questions and raspberry sounds to chris@sparknotes.com.

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