The SparkNotes Guide to Sexy Halloween
I think it was either Mahatma Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr. who first said, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like total tramps and no other girls can say anything about it.” And if you’ve been paying any attention to Halloween fashion over the past few years, you’ve probably noticed that the costumes available for ladyfolk have taken that advice to heart in a major way—all of them seem to involve fishnet stockings, plunging necklines, and just enough fabric to cover one, but never both, of your buttcheeks.
Indeed, the “Sexy Halloween” trend is happening in full force, right now, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. But here at SparkNotes—where we generally prefer to weather the October chill with both of our buttcheeks safely under wraps—we’ve noticed one glaring problem with said trend:
Boy, is it ever. Every Halloween for the past five years has brought a bevy of sexy cops, sexy French maids, sexy witches, sexy schoolgirls, and sexy who-knows-what else parading past our front porches in search of candy (or, possibly, some extra fabric to cover that other buttcheek). We have seen it all, you guys, and it’s dull. So while we can’t stop “Sexy Halloween” from coming again this year, we can insist that you all take it to the next level—with some Sexy Costumes that anyone can wear and that nobody has ever thought of before. So grab your nearest pair of fishnet stockings, snarf a handful of candy corn, and get ready to score big with costumes like…
You’ll be the life of the party in a costume that says, “I'm udder-ly HOT!”
What you need: Fishnets, a brown suede dress or jacket, a pink rubber glove, and a jug of milk.
Step 1: Put on the fishnets and suede dress.
Step 2: Create your udder. Using a funnel to avoid spills, fill the rubber glove with milk, leaving just enough room to tie it off at the top. Attach the glove to your front with a few safety pins.
Step 3: When you arrive at your Halloween destination, prick each finger of the glove with a pin and scream “FREE MILK!” Indiscriminately allow guests to drink from your udders. If you have any milk left over, spray it all over the furniture like the shameless trampy cow you are.
Sexy Traffic Light
Green means “go,” after all.
What you need: Fishnets and multi-colored construction paper.
Step 1: Cut out three large circles from the construction paper. You will need one bright green circle (for the green light) and two drab-colored circles (a brownish-gold for yellow and a burgundy for red will look the most like un-lit lights.)
Step 2: Attach the circles to your torso from top to bottom, beginning with the dark red and ending with the bright green—just like a traffic light.
Step 3: While conversing with other people at Halloween parties, periodically point to the green light and shout, “You've been GREENLIGHTED!"
This one’s easy, because every peacock is a tramp. What? YES. You heard it here first: Peacocks are easy. You know that glorious, multicolored display of plumage they’re all sporting? You know what it's for? Bringing on the lady peacocks, that’s what!
What you need: Fishnets, a blue bodysuit, and plumage.
No steps required: We think you can figure this one out on your own. Spread out your tailfeathers, and let the glorious machinations of nature accomplish what bare butts and a peek-a-boo bra cannot!
Sexy Kim Jong Il
Is there anybody more provocative than the enigmatic leader of North Korea? NO.
What you need: Fishnets, army-gray jacket with twin chest pockets, short shorts, enormous glasses, and a LOT of hairspray.
Step 1: Put on the fishnets, jacket, and short shorts. Make angry/enigmatic faces at yourself in the mirror for fifteen minutes.
Step 2: Spray an entire can of AquaNet onto your head and backcomb your hair until it sticks straight up. Make angry/enigmatic faces at yourself in the mirror for fifteen minutes.
Step 3. Put on the glasses and your angry/enigmatic expression and set off for your Halloween destination. When you arrive, burst through the door and shout, “I’m here to test the nuclear weapons IN MY PANTS!”
Our most complicated costume suggestion, but it’s totally worth it.
What you need: Fishnets, a big cardboard box, a unitard, and an assortment of foods.
Step 1: Make the fridge: Cut holes in the box for your arms, legs, and head. Paint the box to resemble a refrigerator (we like this vintage Philco model for inspiration), and use aluminum foil or some silver pipe cleaners to create a functional handle on the front. Create the refrigerator “door” by cutting a hinged panel into the front of the box and folding it back.
Step 2: Use a needle and thread to attach plastic fruits and vegetables, cardboard cutouts, or empty food containers to the unitard. You will wear this under the box.
Step 3: Once you arrive at your Halloween party, fling your refrigerator door open and let everyone see your goodies. (Bonus points for attaching anatomically suggestive fruit and veg to your “business district.”)
Are you planning something provocative for Halloween? Or do you prefer to trick-or-treat strictly with adequate butt-coverage? Tell us in the comments!
Related post: The Easiest Halloween Costumes Ever