Real House of Horrors

No matter where you live, chances are that a haunted house, haunted woods, haunted prison, or haunted aquarium are within driving distance. These spooky attractions are all pretty much the same: Walk down a dark hallway and scream your head off when some teen in a rubber mask pops out of the shadows and shouts. People must love these haunted attractions, because every year, more and more crop up. But we're unimpressed.

Scaring someone by jumping out is easy. Too easy. Anyone could do it. Once upon a time there was a man who [BOO!]…See, we just scared you, didn't we? We're sorry, but we wanted to prove a point. Cheap scares are weak. We prefer a haunted house with real horrors, real nightmares, and real evil lurking in every corner. This is why we have created the perfect haunted house experience. Take a walk into one of our horrifying rooms of evil:

The Room of Math
There's no mad scientist's laboratory in our haunted house. Instead, you enter a room where a ghoulish teacher will make you take a math exam…in pen, with no scrap paper or calculator. You will be stuck in this room until you pass the test. And the room will be stuffy and warm! Are you brave enough to continue?

The Hall of Rejection
Next, you will walk down a narrow hallway, as college admission officers berate you and your college application with screams of, "You school activities are forgettable and your application essay has a comma splice error! You will never attend college. Never!" To get past this hallway, you must fill out an application perfectly without any errors. This includes writing an essay on the topic of "Everything That I Have Ever Learned." (Essay must rhyme.)

The Den of Communication
You will then enter a seemingly picturesque living room of a typical house, where you will find your parents sitting on the coach. To get past this room, you must have a 20-minute discussion with your parents dealing with any of the following topics (And no yelling allowed!):

Sex.
Your potential and how you're not living up to it.
The amount of time you spend on the computer.
The way you dress.
Where you were last night.
How great your sibling is.

Hell's Cafeteria
After leaving that room, you will arrive late to the devilish cafeteria, where you will carry around a heavy tray of food, desperately looking for a place to sit. You will not be able to find any of your friends, and the only seats left open are next to people who are really mean and eat with their mouths open (even soup). You must then eat your lunch without making eye contact before you can leave.

Gym Class
You will then be made to endure a gym class…a regular gym class. We can hear your heart palpitating already!

The Realm of Low Confidence
If you haven't passed out from fright yet, the last room will leave you gasping for breath. Here, you will be forced to ask out the most popular student at your school…on a huge stage in front of the entire student body. And for every tear of embarrassment that you shed, you must stay on the stage for another five minutes. This event will also be recorded for distribution on YouTube.

Could you survive our Real House of Horror? What other rooms should we add?

Related post: The Four Types of Halloween Teachers