Chris Listens: Troubled Parents, Checking People Out, and Feeling Left Out

As you know, I'm a big fan of communicating (and its second cousin, venting). Expressing yourself is good for your mental health, and, in my experience, people like to know how other people feel about things. It's a win-win. The problem is, it's easy to write about communication on the internet, but hard to do in actual real-life reality. So this week, I want everyone to practice. If you think your friend is buggin' out, go and tell him, and ask what you can do to help. If you want to ask out your crush, take a deep breath and do it. And if you want to get out of a tough situation, express your feelings to someone you can trust. She might not have the answer, but you might not need an answer—you might just need a little support.

And now, on to your questions:

I’ve been having real trouble with my parents. My Mum and Dad both work full time and get really stressed, angry, frustrated, and just downright scary when things are hectic at their work, which is usually all the time. My Dad always comes home in a huff at everyone and everything and when you try to talk to him he'll just boom at you "I’VE HAD S*** ALL DAY AT WORK I DONT WANT ANY FROM YOU" or "STOP THAT NOISE" when me and my sister are just talking in the other room. My Mum, she's having a midlife breakdown, nothing is good for her any more, e.g., "My birthday was crap," “What's your idiot father doing?" and "Can’t you see that I'm under stress, why can’t you just clean up for me, what does this house want to send me to the grave, you’re all useless." Notice that last one... Anyway this really upsets me and my sister and so I usually try really hard to clean up and be quiet and be perfect for my parents, but it never seems to make any difference, especially since I get home late and have minimal time to clean up and do homework (I get to bed at 11 and I’m only in year 8 in Australia!!). I tried talking to my Dad about this (coz my Mum'll kill me and try and say her life is a lot harder) but he just popped his head and we had a full-blown argument. Lately I’ve also been feeling really depressed but I don’t want to talk to anyone because last time I went to a counselor my parents thought I was lying to make them out as horrible people. So yeah I really need something to help me out!!

I’m very sorry to hear about your parent troubles. I want to start off by reassuring you that you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like your parents are having some serious issues with stress management and possibly depression, and they are taking it out on you and your sister and most likely each other. This isn’t something that’s easy to fix, and it’s not something that you’ll be able to do on your own, but I have some ideas both for helping your parents and for coping with the madness. First of all, I’m really glad that you tried to talk to your dad about this situation and how you’re feeling. That was a brave thing to do, because even if he popped his head, hopefully he also recognized that there’s a problem with the way he and your mum have been acting. In fact, he may have popped his head because he recognized that fact and didn’t know how else to react. So if you want to play an active role in trying to make things better, you could try bringing it up again with one or both parents. But be aware that you may need to be both extremely tactful and extremely persistent. Your parents may think you are criticizing them (which you are, but constructively!) and respond poorly. But if you keep bringing it up, they may someday think, “Hey, maybe I have a problem,” or “Hey, maybe I’m not treating my children the way they deserve to be treated.” Of course, there’s no guarantee that this will happen if you raise the issue, but if you want to do something, that’s probably your boldest move. As for your own mental health, is there any way you can go to a school counselor or teacher without your parents finding out? You should really try to find a trusted person you can confide in who will keep everything confidential. Even if that doesn’t directly solve your family issue, you will probably feel better if you talk regularly about what's bothering you. Hopefully your parents are just going through a rough patch and things will get better on their own, but if they don’t, you need the support of a responsible adult. Take care!

I don't have a "thing." As awkward as that may first sound, I'm dead serious. For my best friend, it's volleyball. For her boyfriend, it's drama. For my boyfriend, it's running. It appears as though wherever I turn my thing-less eyes, everyone I know has something that they LOVE to do, and excel at. I've gone through many, many trials and tribulations in search of my "thing," and while some of them appear to be a perfect fit, we all know that nothing is perfect. I've tried drama, but the favoritism from directors bothered me. I've tried tennis, and a few years later I'm still just as bad as day one. I've tried art, but let's just say that the Mona Lisa of my lifetime will consist of macaroni noodles glued to a piece of construction paper. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of and no "thing" seems to stick to me. Sure, I'm one of the outstanding officers in my school's student council, but in all reality that only takes up my time during Homecoming week. Any great ideas towards finding my "thing," and giving me something to do in my spare time?

I have three pieces of advice for you, which all apply at the same time. (You don’t even have to choose which one to go with!) Number one: Don’t worry about not having a thing—your thing can be the fact that you dabble in a lot of things. Consider yourself a renaissance girl, a Jill of all trades, and someone whose curiosity spans many areas of interest. Number two: Be more patient. Is it possible that some of the things you’ve tried didn’t work out because you weren’t immediately good at them? Yes, some people are naturally amazing at drama or running, but for some people it takes work, but in the end they become amazing. Number three: Try more things! While you said you tried EVERYTHING, I bet there are a few things out there that would totally love it if you gave them a shot. Digital photography? Upright bass? Snowboarding? Swahili? Architecture? Glass-blowing? The list goes on and on—get to it!

I honestly don't expect any sort of reply, so I did this sort of just for the heck of it. Or perhaps the remnants of the good person I was are crying for help from some random person since no one else wants to help. Well, really I don't want to contact the people who would be able to help because I don't want my family judging me. ANYhoo, I'm somewhat certain I've been depressed (clinically? I don't know, I hope so; then maybe my friends would care or something) as of late (the past 3-4 weeks) and it's a lot to do with low self-esteem and jealousy and all that fun stuff. When I do tell my best friend and my other friend they don't exactly offer much for advice, once they did, but they didn't say something like "I'll be here to help you overcome this," they just said "be positive." Yet this is probably my fault (things usually are anyway) for not requesting that someone help me "get better." Speaking of getting better, I seemed to have failed as a friend by not keeping the agreement to not cut. Whoops. I know deep down that when I do it it's the stupidest thing ever, but I still feel the need to be punished (for being a terrible person; and I realize that this all sounds annoyingly pathetic but I can't stop that either {hooray for being an attention hog}, well I could but I don't try to for very long). I want to know I'm good enough...but I'll interpret things my friends say (particularly after I've done something wrong...), even if it's not meant to be harmful in any way, as it further indicating that I as a person suck. I would really like to stop having to use idiotic negative words to describe myself. Except I'm stubborn and would feel weak to ask for help so someone can assist me in the path to...idk not depression, and I take it personally when people don't offer help (it makes me feel like no one cares enough to want to help me that much). And I'll see those same friends offering help to someone else in a heartbeat, or so it seems. I don't really know what I'm asking...I know I don't want to feel bad about myself and jealous of people (especially those with significant others...) and like I have to cause myself bodily harm but I don't know how to go about doing that on my own...(I feel like I've said but too much...) What should I do...?

I’m really glad you wrote to me. Because while you may think that no one cares, people do care. For example, I care, and I don’t even know you except for the 15 or so sentences of prose you sent to me. And I bet other people reading this care too, and they want you to feel better and not harm yourself. You are not a terrible person and you should not feel that you need to punish yourself. Of course, you know this, but you can’t stop from feeling this way, which is probably a pretty good indication that you are depressed. In fact, you seem to know many, many things about yourself and even the reasons that you feel the way you do, and you’ve done a remarkable job analyzing yourself—calling out the idiotic negative words, stubbornness, low self-esteem, etc. So all hope is not lost; in fact, you might find it easier to get help since you’ve identified the specific things that are bothering you. Now I want you to take all these feelings and nuggets of info and talk about them to someone you really trust: a teacher, school counselor, or therapist. Your friends might not be able to give you the help you need, and they probably responded as they did because they just didn’t know what else to say. It’s natural for you to NOT want to get help, but actively seeking help is your best bet in this situation. You have to put aside all the awkward, weak feelings and reach out to someone who can support you through this tough time. You may not start frolicking in fields of flowers immediately, but it’s a big important first step to take if you want to get better. And I know you do. Thanks for writing and take care of yourself!

I've been dating for 2.5 years in my first relationship ever (I'm almost 20 now). Obviously, I started out very ignorant and have probably lessened that by a little chunk (hopefully). Out of all the things that have been a problem in my relationship, "checking out" people other than one's partner is what bothers me the most. It doesn't have to be noticeably done, and even doing it when away from one's partner or in media bothers me as well. My opinion on this issue is that it's simply a personal preference whether or not it's okay between the people involved, but society seems to say that it's fact that people have to act this way—that they have a RIGHT to act this way in a relationship (no matter what). I never even paid attention to people's appearances until I caught my partner paying way too MUCH attention to it, and then it became a huge problem between us... For me, it's an embarrassing thing to talk with others about, because SO MANY people (society in general) have a "whatever" attitude towards it. I talk to others (friends, random strangers) about it and even if it's something that would bother them, they wouldn't take any action towards their partner about it. I always feel like an obsessive psycho when I get on my soapbox about why I stand where I stand on this issue. What do YOU think: Is it a personal opinion to be ok/not ok with a partner/spouse checking out other people (however subtle or not), or is a just a God-given right to anyone that shouldn't even be an argument with backing?

I’m with you—I believe that it’s a personal preference and that every relationship is different. Some people might feel that checking out another person is akin to cheating, while others may feel that it’s OK to look at the menu even if you’re on a diet (if you catch my drift). I know plenty of people who would get p.o.'d if they caught their s.o. checking out another human specimen, and some of them have even said as much to their partner (usually something along the lines of, DON’T DO THAT!). While it may be hard at times to avoid noticing someone you find physically attractive, I think people in relationships should have some self-control, especially when they are around their partner. It’s rather rude, and unless one’s partner explicitly says, “Yes, I encourage you to check out other people,” I would try to keep one's eyes averted.

There's this group of girls at my school. It started out with 5 girls, and they were all best friends and didn't talk to anyone who wasn't in that group. The rest of my grade agreed that they were snobs and didn't pay much attention to them. Last year (our junior year) one of the girls left, and I became really good friends with one of the other girls. This year, I'm good friends with the rest of the girls, and individually, they're awesome. We have the same classes and like the same things. The problem is, whenever we hang out in a large group, with the four of them and me, I feel like they're excluding me. We recently had a field trip/class project, and we formed a group to work on our project. The entire time, whenever they wanted a picture, I would take it and no one asked me to be in pictures with them. When we were planning the project in a group, they were actually discussing a sleepover they were having the night after the trip, and didn't invite me, or say anything about it to me! They just pretended like I wasn't there. They still act really clique-y whenever they're together, but, like I said, they're awesome when they're separated, which they usually are. Every time we hang out together, I seem to forget that they act like snobs together, and think that because they're awesome individually, they'll be even more awesome together. How do I avoid putting myself in situations where I feel like the fifth wheel?

Let me answer your question with a question: How awesome can these separate people be if they think it’s acceptable to exclude you when they are all together in snobby clique mode? Instead of avoiding fifth-wheel situations, I’d probably ask myself whether it’s worth being friends with them at all. Your other option is to focus on each one individually and try not to be around them when they unite into the snobby snobberbeast. Hopefully you can build some meaningful relationships, but I still question the viability of friendships that dissipate when other people come into the picture.

There's this guy. I've known him for a couple of years but I didn't really get to know him until this year. We're really good friends and that’s the problem. I've realized I like him as more than a friend, but we're very obviously in the "friend zone." We have the same sense of humor, he's really nice, smart, and fun, which is exactly what I look for in a guy. We talk a lot and he tells me about his girl problems. He's a really friendly person so I'm almost 100% sure he is not interested in me (partially because he told me who he likes and partially because he's friendly to everyone). He's also a different race than me (which doesn't bother me at all) and he told me that most people don't look for boyfriends/girlfriends of different cultural backgrounds. So I guess my question is: How do I make him see me as a potential girlfriend without ruining our friendship?

So I guess this guy has taken a survey of all the people on earth regarding whether they look to date people of different cultural backgrounds? It sounds like he’s making a stupendously broad generalization based on his personal preferences or experience. Maybe what he means is that he's not comfortable dating someone from a different background. Or maybe he just sees you as a really good friend and doesn’t want to mess that up. I don’t think there’s anything you should do to "make" him see you as GF material, because that would be forcing the issue and it could make things weird, especially if he rebuffs your advances. I would just chill at the moment and keep an eye out for signs that he wants to be more than friends. If he gives you the signal, you might try being subtly flirtatious and see how he responds. Of course, you could also send him an email that reads, “I want to be your GF. Do you want to be my BF? Please circle Y/N below.”

So there's this crush: He's mega-handsome from his small picture with these dainty, black glasses encompassing his brown eyes. He's witty, understanding, and super funny. I'm really attracted to him and he's so kind: he always listens to everyone's problems and gives such genuine advice. So what's the problem? I've never met and he doesn't know who I am... What should I do?

Hmmm, this is quite a confuzzling conundrum. To be honest, this dude sounds like a nerd. Glasses? What’s the matter, he’s too scared to try contacts? Nowadays they make ones that could turn those brown eyes blue. And that wittiness is probably just a defense mechanism. He’s probably deathly afraid of being serious, so everything is a joke to him. If he’s so interested in everyone’s problems, he probably has a few of his own. And I bet if you saw that small pic blown up to life-size, you’d stumble on a few imperfections. My advice is to move on—you can do better!

Need more advice on achieving a state of outness? Write to chris@sparknotes.com.

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