Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
2 weeks ago I started talking to the guy I liked. He knew I liked him because several of my friends decided it was their business to tell him. Anyway, we started texting and heavily flirting and we decided that he'd come over one day and we'd hang out. Well, he ended up coming over and we made out. It was the first time I'd ever kissed a guy and afterwards I asked him if he wanted to go out sometime. He basically explained to me that he basically wasn't over his ex (who he hasn't been with for about a year). He seemed really upset with himself and kept calling himself a 'horrible person'.
I told him that I'd rather him tell me the truth than just walk out without warning. He told me, "I've made out with girls before and haven't spoken to them since. I don't want to do that to you. You're too nice a person to hurt like that." We agreed that we'd be friends, but I told him that if he does want to maintain a friendship he has to call me. He told me he completely understands and he doesn't want to hurt me. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him at all. I saw him tonight at a fair, but he didn't really pay any attention to me. I really like him and I know he sounds like a complete jerk, but I don't want our relationship to end. Do you have any advice as to what I should do? I usually have a really good head on my shoulders and try not to get hung up over a guy, but I feel like a complete idiot right now. Please help!
Whoa. Whoooooa. We just went from “Yaaaaay makeouts!” to “GAAAAAH heartbreak!” in less than 300 words. Tell me, dear, are you feeling sick? A bit nauseated, maybe? Because the emotional rollercoaster you’ve just been on is so extreme that you’d be well within your rights to puke all over your shoes right now.
Or, even better, all over the shoes of your crush, a.k.a. Jerkboy von Whinypants.
Yes, he is.
I know you’re feeling awful, and it’s truly unfortunate that your first kiss had to end in such a lousy way. But rather than continuing to pine for him, please, please step back and recognize exactly what happened here: You’ve been the victim of some really astounding emotional manipulation. In fact, this guy is a master at it. He is a Master Manipulator… or, as I prefer to call it, a MASTULATOR.
(I'll pause while you stop giggling.)
You say you don’t want your relationship to end, but read your letter again. Seems like it never really began, doesn’t it? And that’s not your fault—it’s because Jerkboy von Whinypants, the MASTULATOR, has his game down to a science. It goes like this:
1. He burrows his way into your heart by showering you with attention (texting and flirting).
2. He makes out with you (fun!), and,
3. Only then does he remember that (oops!) he’s not over his ex.
Then, to complete the play, he finishes off with the “Oh noooo, I’m a horrible person” routine—flipping things around so that you feel bad for him, and absolving himself of any responsibility for what he’s done. Because he’s still heartbroken, poor puppy! I mean, y’know, not so heartbroken that he can’t make out with you—just heartbroken enough to use it as an excuse to act like a raging inferno of douchebaggery.
Because he’s a filthy MASTULATOR.
That may sound a little harsh, but frankly, this sort of thing really cheeses Auntie SparkNotes’ tater-tots. It is so, SO uncool. And rather than wondering how to keep things going with this guy, I hope you’ll be able to step back and see that the only reason you’re hung up on him is his own cunning manipulation. Look at what's happening here: He's actually got you defending his sorry, faux-heartbroken butt at the expense of your own totally legitimate feelings. Doesn't that make you angry?
Yes?
GOOD. Because he’s a jerk, and you deserve much, much better.
Auntie OUT.
Have you ever known a MASTULATOR? Do you need Auntie SparkNotes’ advice? Sound off in the comments, or email your questions to advice@sparknotes.com.
By: kat_rosenfield
Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, cartoons
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